Comfort

I’ve been tired, so tired my love.  My mind is weary.  I felt like I’d drown in this and needed those few hours to dig in the dirt with you and to make my body ache.  I needed to quiet my mind and rest in the labor.  I needed our breath, and the sounds of us working, and the little smiles and dirty kisses and the sun that was there even if it was cloudy.  I needed to rest, but my mind won’t ease now.  There is too much to do and to think about and I’m thinking deadlines deadlines deadlines.  So I needed to just work with you.  I needed the comfort and ease of the way we work together.

I’ve felt a little distant from you love.  I’ve felt far away and too deep in my head with all of this work.  I’ve needed to linger and spend time looking at each other, but it’s time we don’t have.  Thank you for your little touches while we worked side by side later on the couch.  I needed those little smiles.  I needed those pets.  Soon love.  Soon.

Thank you for fantasizing with me a little afterward, for giving my mind something to chew on that wasn’t academic.  Thank you for knowing how to please me so well, for your warm skin and your soft kisses.  Oh, when you call be beautiful or pull me to you.  Oh when you trace my curves.  Oh god I was so tired but I could not stop touching you and being touched by you.  I love you I love you I love you on my breath and in my heart and my head.  I fell asleep sated and tired and ready for blissful sleep, such comfort.

image from alligator-sunglasses.com

And thank you for not being able to get out of bed. Dozing in and out of sleep with you curled to me…. heaven.  Why can’t I ever stop touching you? Craving your touch?  So many little kisses.  Everywhere.  Your taste.  Your smile.  Your scent.  On my lips and in my breath and in my heart.  I love you I love you I love you.  The warm comfort of you lingers.

I’m so tired, love.  But we’re almost there.  You’re such a comfort.

I'm Actually a Romantic

I have a cold, so maybe this is the meds talking.. but I have to confess that I’m a romantic.  Don’t fucking laugh.  I’m serious.

couple laughing found at: http://s3.favim.com/orig/40/couple-cute-laughing-love-pretty-Favim.com-336669.jpg

Even a poly girl.. shit.. maybe especially a poly girl is prone to this.  My heart is huge.  My heart is wide.

Even a poly girl.. shit.. maybe especially a poly girl is prone to this.  My heart is huge.  My heart is wide.

Traveler and I are deeply, madly, passionately in love with each other.  It took 8 billion years, but he says it all the time.  I’ve always been a mush who says it.  Such proclamations don’t come easy to him.  He told me 72,000 ways that he loved me and I finally heard it.  But I needed him to TELL me.  I need the words.  And they came.  They come more easily now.  I need him to say, out loud, what he feels and he does.

And yet, I’ll admit, I have a yearning.  It isn’t because of a lack.  It’s not because Traveler doesn’t go there or isn’t enough.  It’s because of me.

I want more.

I want to find my other love.  I want to watch TV curled up with her, or go to the library on Saturdays with him.  I want to be too lazy on a rainy afternoon together.  I want to hit the art show.  I want to say mushy mushy things to each other with our limbs entertwined.  I want all of it.  Traveler is mine.  He is fully and completely mine even if he isn’t mine alone.  And I am his.  I am utterly and totally his.  But I have this wide wide heart.  I have this well of love that constantly fills, and I want more.

girls snuggling found at polyvore.com

Even after all these years in open relationships that still feels subversive.  How can I be so greedy?  How can I have this.. THIS!.. and ever want more.  Am I unsatisfied? No.  If the other loves never came I have to admit that would be perfectly okay.  I have my life.  I have my life with Traveler.  And it’s everything.   I told him the other day when we were laying on the couch just laughing and holding each other that I’ve never been loved like this.  I’ve never had a love that held me like that.  He holds me in a way that makes me feel like I am filling.  I am flooded with all the good hormones and I feel myself glow.

We were talking about nothing really, just laughing and petting each other. There wasn’t any music on and the TV was off and we’d be laying there just talking for a long long time and neither one of us wanted out.  I’ve never had that.  I’ve never had the love that doesn’t pull away.  I’ve spent my life apologizing for being too affectionate.  I didn’t know how much that hurt.  I pulled away to sip my wine and he curled around me the second the glass touched down, unconsciously and not breaking the stride of his conversation.  And I lay curled against him smiling and laughing with him until it was getting really late and we needed to go to bed.

And

I have more to give.

The trick is to remain open but not to chase it.  But I’m calling it to me.  I am a greedy lover.  I want the whole thing again.  The first step is admitting it.

I’m a romantic.

I Don't Know

There are so many things that I don’t know.  I know I had an insanely hot loving close intimate fun weekend.  There were trips to the sex shop for more gear, delicious breakfast casseroles and cookouts, leather cuffs, so much snuggling, petting, great talks about everything, beautiful nights, insanely hot times with just Traveler and I, and then Traveler and I and our new friend Yarn Hooker, and with a new guy I haven’t named yet.  There was wine tasting and homemade pie, games with friends, old friends playing putt putt and laughing over pizza, and a lazy morning just like we like.  There was something in the air this weekend!  I will be enjoying memories of this weekend for some time to come.

And my friend sent me messages yesterday, expressing joy at his partner finding a great new prospect and a tiny bit of trepidation.  What if she likes him better?  What if she only needs the new man?  What if he makes her forget my friend?  He went online to read blogs and found some, all ending with divorce.  Not very encouraging.

I told him honestly that sometimes this life is bitter hard. Relationships USUALLY end before death.  This is true in monogamy and in polyamory and in every other kind of ‘amory too.  How many people do you know that are blissfully coupled with the only person they’ve ever loved and they’ve been together and close and happy for life?  Chances are if you are lucky you can name maybe 5 couples.  That’s 5 couples out of the hundreds or thousands of couples you have known.  It’s not like monogamous relationships are paragons of stability either.  But with the fluid nature of open relationship networks, things do have more opportunity for change, and that really points out the unstable nature of romantic relationships.

Whore

He said “I love you and your sluttiness…. Whore”.

I can’t tell you how sweet and beautiful and joyful that was for me… How much I loved him saying those words, those exact words.

So happy.

Learning Stuff

If you pay attention, you’re always learning stuff about yourself and those you love.

I’ve learned some stuff lately.

• Sometimes people seem at first like they have a lot of common interests, but when you talk to them more.. these are really superficial matches and sometimes not even that, so a bit of time gabbing can be useful.
• I don’t like “princess” girls, stupid girls, girls who are wildly unsafe sexually, girls who have really strong feelings about piercings needing to be delicate to be beautiful, or girls that have ridiculously foofy dogs they dress in dresses and pose on pink couches.  clit.. shriveling.
• Traveler has WAY looser standards for some sorts of dating partners than I do.
• My job site does in fact somehow manage (even with the longest and most ridiculous hiring process ever) to hire crazy and dumb people and I don’t wanna sleep with them.
• I like requests to take naughty picture sets with my lovers and my pussy is rather nice from that angle.  Mmmm.
• Piercings are very photogenic.
• I can get the piercings I’ve wanted for months and months and months and use nylon space holders when I have surgery.  Piercings back on the table!
• My pussy needs labia rings.
• Traveler and I both want and like a certain sex act we didn’t know the other liked.  Yay for threesome talks where the sexual interest isn’t into it but we realized we both are!  So much fun to explore!
• Chemistry and intensity can grow and grow and grow.
• incontinence pads are actually really soft and absorbent and sexy and it’s sooooo nice to sleep on a clean dry bed after beautifully gushing to hot hot sex.
• I like threesomes and would like more of them.
• Being stood up by a woman you were uncertain of while you are having a very fun conversation with your boyfriend is pretty cool actually.
• You should not make big judgements at 4 am after reading  a surprise email that wasn’t super fun.  Spinning about it for a while later in the morning, also before eating and getting centered, is also ill-advised.
• I value transparency and being informed when it comes to my partners.  Things that feel like they were sneakily done feel like secrets and wig me out.  I feel safest when I feel informed.
• I LOVE collaborating in love in even more ways and it’s wonderful to be able to plan around your loves getting time together when you can.
• I want her and she’s not attainable, and that is okay.
• Rob Roy on 2nd Avenue has delicious old-fashioneds.
• Sometimes sexy girls from OKC DO like me back.
• Talking so wonderfully with sexy girls for hours is great foreplay.
• Making out and getting a woman mostly naked in my new car is a lot easier than in my mini.
• I think it’s hot when she forgets an article of clothing in my car.
• Talking absolutely filthily to sexy girls while making out makes them deliciously wet… deliciously wet.
• Sometimes sexy girls think your boyfriend is hot and would entertain some lovely naughty fun with them.  Yay for threesomes back on the table.
• Warm and wonderful dates that flow from sleepily snuggling to sleepy sex to again sleepily snuggling are HOT.
• I can’t wait to make pies with my loves and then EAT PIES with my loves!

And Then It Was Just Us Now

I’m still processing some stuff, but for now the storm has passed with Traveler and I.  I didn’t resolve my future tripping and I don’t have it all ironed, but I decided that right now I just need to love and be loved.

This is from Worst Cat Tumbler. It’s funny. Check it out if you haven’t seen it. 🙂

So we had a wonderful mid-week date.  He helped me bring home groceries and then talked with me while I made dinner and cleaned up my kitchen.  We talked about Clash of Clans and World of Warcraft and Halloween parties.  We laughed and ate my delicious chili.  Afterwards I was hot and went to change and called him in to lay on the bed with me.  I asked what he wanted to do tonight and he said “I really don’t care at all what we do.  I just want to be with you and spend time with you”.  Of course I kissed him for that.

We planned to lay together for a minute and then go back out to the living room to play World of Warcraft together.  And we never left the bed.  We ended up in bed from about 630pm on.  We got utterly blissed out on touch, just petting each other and snuggling and kissing and saying sweet loving things.  We didn’t even really talk.  We smiled and kissed and petted and snuggled and writhed together.  We looked at each other and smiled.  We twined our limbs together like roots.  We rolled over.  We sighed happily.  We hummed pleasure.  And it was utterly and completely perfect.

It didn’t answer any future questions and it didn’t need to.  It made me feel loved.  It made me feel deeply and completely loved, and I told him that.  I also told him he was kinda crazy about me.  He agreed.

Did you know that snuggling releases oxytocin and that oxytocin is healing?  It’s true.

In the End

I love spending time with Cleveland.  I love our communication and humor and affection and sex.  I love the ridiculously excellent way our chemistry works. It’s honestly rarefied stuff to me.

But.

I love him.  I love spending time with him and our little projects and podcasting and all of it.

But.

I am always spitting out my horse’s bit.  I rankle at it.  I hate my limits.  I accept them and rail against them and become resigned.  He leaves after a beautiful date, cooking together and snuggling and hot delicious sex and warm conversation and fiery passion.  He gets up and he goes home.  I long ago got used to him leaving and it honestly isn’t that bad. Sometimes I LIKE that I get to curl up in my bed by myself  and watch a little something as I drift off to sleep.

But I hate that it’s pretty much never an option for him to stay in my bed.  I hate that on our last date he was so tired and we were so warm and comfortable and comforting and he had to go.  It’s just how things are.  I hate that he had to leave my arms to go shower all traces of me away and crawl into his bed.  Every single night.  But it’s not really the overnight lack that rankles.  It is, but it isn’t.  It’s that no matter what happens.. no matter what we feel or how things are it will always be in this little box.

I’m sad for the limits.  I’m sad for everything that could be and won’t.  I’m sad for this little box.  It is what it is and I accept it for exactly what it is, and I love him.  I have a choice and I choose this.  In the end, it just makes me a little sad sometimes.

You can't keep a good slut down

(Skip this if for ANY reason descriptions of very graphic sex with one of my partners wouldn’t be welcome).

So.. things are looking up.  They pretty much had to.

Woman kneeling on a stool by Araks Johannes

Yesterday I got my period, which was a HUGE bummer because Traveler and I had hoped for some frisky fun.  We’d had a date the night before and spent most of it car shopping to replace the aging stick shift car I can’t drive and that is killing me when it has repairs.  We’d had dinner with Quinky Girl and chilled a bit at their house so she could see him too after he was gone all week, and she’d been thoughtful and cooked for everyone.  We got back home pretty late and fell into bed.  I felt sad and broken and sore.  It’d been a long crutching day and a lot of running around and even if it had been a good day, it had still left me sore and beaten. I broke down and cried in his arms.  It was just that when we’d finally crawled into bed and he’d held me, my guard dropped. It’s just so exhausting and difficult.  It’s a lot more life altering than I thought.  So there weren’t sexy times Thursday, but there were equally lovely things with our short time.  He talked to me.  He told about life and stuff with him and he talked to me about all the ways he needs me.

Traveler told me how much he needs me!!  I just filled with love, overflowed.  We held each other then like holding each other was the only thing stopping our death.  Snuggling and cuddling are not adequate to describe the intimate thing we did, the eye contact, the kisses and comfort and touch.  And after all the loving words and caresses I’d needed so badly, we fell asleep tangled together and slept like the dead.

So, as perfect as Thursday night had truly been, after a week away from Traveler and a week of healing I was really looking forward to some more carnal connections with my love the next night, Friday.

Proof In Pudding- Broken Bones

I broke my foot.  I was walking in these clogs, and turned my ankle and stumbled, and *snap*.  I had a jones fracture.  It’s a break of the 5th metatarsal, or basically the bone in the middle of your foot on the pinky side of your foot.  Fuck it sucks.  Just a quick little twist.. and bam.  I feel like an old woman.  Who breaks their foot walking?!?!

I cannot express to you enough how much this sucks and is affecting my life.  It’s very hard for me to walk far.  My one good leg gets so tired and sore.  If I move it the wrong way, put any weight on it.. anything.. bam.  When I did it I was walking into my house and stopped dead in my tracks and wretched.  It was so painful I hyperventilated a little and had to sit on the ground.  I was SHOCKED by how much it hurt.  I assumed it would stop, like a terrible pain of stubbing a toe or something.  Nope.  I was planning this wonderful weekend.. dinner and drinks with Quinky Girl and Bawdy Storytelling, Brick Con (the Lego Convention) a homeshow, and a long date with Traveler.  Dammmit! I was soooo excited.  I love that stuff.  I’ve been stoked about Traveler and Quinky Girl redoing their kitchen for months.  It is SO MUCH vicarious pleasure for me.  Nope. 

Traveler and I Celebrate

Traveler and I have been together two years, as of Saturday.  🙂

image on Beyonce arched upon the sand from http://basketsblanches.com

I can’t believe another year has gone by.  We’re actually celebrating next week with a little “stay-cation” extended weekend, but yesterday was the actual day, and we celebrated in our little style.  Heh.  We cleaned gutters.  Relax.. that’s not all.. but hear me a bit on this.

Cleaning gutters with Traveler is fun.  Sure, it’s messy and a little tedious, but how great is it to be with someone that you HAVE FUN with while cleaning gutters?  We found out his cats have been pooping on the roof and were flinging it off of there and STILLLL had a good time.  In fact it was kinda hilarious.  There were many poop jokes.  It was a really shitty job.  Heh.

So after our adventures in roof and gutter cleaning we got dolled up a bit and went to one of the nicest dinners I’ve had in a while.  I was excited to be going out with Traveler.  It was this little tapas joint on a beach nearby and we splurged on a very lovely bottle of wine, a bunch of tiny delicious plates, and just had the nicest and most relaxing time.  I was feeling especially mushy, looking at his sweet face beaming with love there at the table and just told him emphatically, gushing with joy and feeling, “I’m so happy”.  I said so many things with that little statement.  We’d been talking about the kinda state of our union, and we were grinning like idiots, touching, laughing, making yummy noises.  Everything was so good… the food, the delicious wine… the rich fantastic coffee pressed at our table, the homemade baklava… the conversation.  Decadent.  His smile.  His laugh.  His sweet face and warm eyes.  Lovely. *Deep breath*

We kissed on the street and in the car.. passionate.  Warm.  Loving.  Hot.  I wanted him closer.. closer.. inside my body, no skin between us.