Owned

Traveler added me to his OK Cupid dating profile.

I cannot say enough how much I love this.  I teared up.  My beautiful man listed me as one of his partners.  He isn’t out in many places, but out there dating he claimed me.  I am one of his partners.  He let people he would date and play with know right up front that I exist and it makes me feel safe and important and loved.  I’m listed right there in the first section as his girlfriend, with how long we’ve been together and a link to my profile and everything.

Traveler and I are OKC official.  😀

Dumb Questions

I had the nicest time last night at a very lovely New Year’s Eve party.  It was nice, everyone just relaxing and having fun.  Cleveland and his wife threw a truly lovely party.  She made her addictive cookies, a pork roast, and spaghetti squash with pesto.  I brought a super rich delicious mocha cheesecake that gave the girls afterglow, and Traveler and his wife brought caprese.  Peaches and her beau made yummy homemade sushi and these cookies she’s kinda famous for.  Cleveland made the best cosmos and whiskey sours in town.  There was lovely conversation, food appreciation, and just general relaxing good times.

On the way to make an appearance at Traveler’s Wife’s Boyfriend’s party the conversation meandered with Traveler and I and I asked him, after he’d talked about how he’d been in love with someone, if he felt he was in love with me.

Ohana- Minding the Gap

I had this excellent talk with a metamour (lover’s lover) today, about all kinds of things.  She was thinking about some things I was lucky to listen and ask questions and explore and feel with her a bit.  I’m here at my brother’s, enjoying my family and a really nice relaxing visit, and I’ve had a lot of time to think.  We talked about hard stuff, some Cadillac problems, and some common ground.  I have to admit.. I’m falling so in love with her.  And no, we are not fucking.  But her love is so fulfilling. 

I’m in this place where I’m not ready and not really wanting to change much of anything, but I’m enjoying imagining what could be.  It comforts and thrills me and makes me feel better in all of these ways to think “what are the options for my life?”.  For a while it just felt like wreckage.  Everything I wanted and everything I made were shards and it hurt so much to think about that.  And I began to see all the possibility in that.  I could make lots of choices, but boiled down, I could choose to rail against the things I didn’t like and tear my hair out screaming why, or I could decide to begin the long slow process of healing and ultimately growth that such losses bring.  I could render good from all of this.  There was and is the terrifying and exhilarating possibility of ANYTHING, but that is little comfort.  I know I don’t want to marry again, and I don’t want to be alone, so what does that leave?  Actually.. a lot.

One of the things we talked about was inclusion.  My heart was just bursting at the thought of it.  I wept with joy at my keyboard at one point.  I had all this happiness for her and this feeling of love and acceptance and my own heart opening.  I loved her for talking to me and for being real with me.  I loved her for her fierce and beautiful love for the men in her life and her desire to be as inclusive and supportive and loving to them as possible.  She wants to be sure they feel loved and that nobody loses.  I loved her for her telling me a little of her thoughts and fears and joys.  I loved her for the care she shows our mutual love.  I loved her for her loving soul.  I loved her for making me feel special and included.  And I really loved her for daydreaming with me a little.. talking about things we’d both like now and distant maybes.  She made my fondest heart’s wishes feel like viable options among all of the options. 

We talked a bit about meeting wants and needs in poly, and all day long I thought about all the needs and wants SHE fills in me.  I needed a confidant that gets it and someone who would trust me to be there for them.  I needed someone else who thinks this stuff.  I needed someone who can face and deal with this stuff in themselves and their relationships and talk about it.  I need people who wouldn’t judge me or use my weakness against me, and who had my best interests at heart.  I needed someone trustworthy to trust me.  I needed this open heart.  I’m making my family with the romantic relationships and friendships and supporters in my life, and I needed her in it.  I think I might talk to them about Ohana and Hui.  I like the benefit and responsibility of Ohana.  I like the love and acceptance of Hui. 

You Just Might Get What You Want

A long time ago RollerGirl said to me “you might have to accept that everything you want might actually be possible, and you might actually get it”.  I’m in a weird place of seeing that this is actually possible, and fearing feeling that.  I’ve been wrong before, clearly.  But I’m seeing that I need to change my perspective on this too.  Is it wrong to trust someone and build something and have lots of love and hope and dreams if it doesn’t equal forever?  If one of the parts of the dream is forever and what you get is most of the other parts of the dream, maybe for years, is is all worthless because it wasn’t forever?  To be fair, I don’t think past relationships that ended were “worthless” but yes, part of me considers the fact that it’s over as evidence that it failed, in a way.  I’m thinking this particular thought might not only be unhelpful… it might just be inaccurate.

Okay, in less pie-in-the-sky musings.. I’m thinking this.  Right now I’m feeling elated and happy and excited that things are going so well.  I’m very happy in my relationships.  Traveler and I talked for the first time in a not abstract way about being a family and a mutual desire to live together someday.  We’ve talked more generally about future dreams before, but this time we talked about US.  It surprised and delighted me.  I loved that he has been thinking about that too.  It made me feel secure in a way, that this is something to him too.  That it’s not just having fun.  He talked about practical things, and I felt a little knot somewhere inside loosen.  Maybe I don’t need to be afraid that I’m out here alone.  Maybe, just maybe, it’s okay to feel all the things I’m feeling and maybe I’m not setting myself up.  This beautiful man, this good kind decent fun simple complex thoughtful man, he might want the things I want too, and he might want them with me.  I don’t know what it would look like and I have no rush to make it happen, but it was a reassurance that we are building something.  It’s not just in my head. 

Crazy Dream

Warning- This one is sexually graphic and about Traveler and Cleveland.

Monday night I had a steamy dream that I had a threesome with Traveler and Cleveland.  It was pretty damn graphic and pretty damn enticing.  I was embarrassed to wake up all wet and writhing.  The weird part about this is that I have never consciously fantasized about being with two men, and now that I dreamed it, I can’t stop thinking about it and wondering why I haven’t fantasized about it before.

Tatuaje- Ballet Nacional de Ecuador

In the dream we were all just so… beyond physical friction.  It was a deeper more emotional thing… my men doing this for me, loving how excited they were making me, taking pleasure in me and me in them, my loving how they were making me feel and how I made them feel, and me lost in them, utterly and completely owned by them.  God.  I’m getting excited just thinking about it.  I told Cleveland about the dream and got so turned on just telling him that I had the dream, not even sharing details, that I came rubbing against his leg and begged him to fuck me.  I watched his face, lost in his breath and my own desire, and had this kind of rolling orgasm that was like waves crashing again and again and again.  I absolutely soaked my bed.  I’m not even sure you can say I squirted.  I think you’d have to say I gushed.  I masturbated this morning while thinking of last night, and while thinking of that dream.  Good Lord.  What has gotten into me!?!?

I have talked to both of my loves about sexual exploration.  They are both open-minded but I think this one might be a tough sell.  Cleveland at least liked the fantasy and my reaction to it, and I think may even be willing to consider it.  Traveler is such a wild card.  Some things he seems interested in trying or will try.  Some things he seems willing to humor, liking how much I’m into them.  Some things just aren’t his bag, but he accepts those and doesn’t seem judgmental about them.  So I think it’s safe to at least tell him my fantasy.  It’s unclear to me how he’d react to me having this dream, much less expressing a real interest in it.  I think he would not be interested but he surprises me all the time.

In the dream and my fantasy it’s not a thing that happens between Cleveland and Traveler, beyond how comfortable they are together.  I have fantasies about being with two bi men, much like my favorite FFM threesomes, but I’ve never really fantasized about being the pivot in a MMF threesome.  That’s odd even to me.  I don’t know why I haven’t.  Maybe it’s my occasional self slut-shame.

The thing about this that is just sending me over the moon is the idea of this passion with two men THAT I LOVE.  I can’t imagine the joy of opening the way I do with them and the sensations of them together, the dizzying pleasure of Cleveland’s breath on my pussy with Traveler’s cock in my mouth.  I almost shake at the fantasy of being filled with these men in every way I can be filled by them.  I want to touch and suck and feel and smell and lick and taste and connect with every part of them.  I want everything that I am at that moment to be about them, with them, in them, there at their pleasure and they at mine.

Traveler’s skin and Cleveland’s mouth

their kisses

their taste

his smoothness and his soft fuzziness

my hands in his hair and him sliding his body against my ass

knowing by the feel that those are his hands

watching his face

aching and fulfilled

his smell.. his body reacting

lost with him

flooding

and him

feeling his motions and his caress

giving all of it to him

my mouth, my hands, my lips, my tongue, my eyes, my mind, my pussy, my ass, my thighs, my skin

wanting more of him

opening for him… oh… God.

Travel Plans

I’m excited to have travel plans.  I am looking forward to camping with Traveler and his Wife and a trip to Portland with Cleveland.  Last weekend Traveler and I were planning a night away with a hike and an overnight somewhere, and the poor man had meetings…. all weekend… at 7 am!!!!  I’m lucky we had a date at all.  We kept it low key and it was marvelous, and we rescheduled for this weekend.  Then we put off and put off talking about the plans and I’m pretty sure we aren’t over-nighting anywhere.  I was disappointed for like 7 minutes. 

Sunny Day Snuggling by Pettyart

I like sexy geek girls

I attended Emerald City Comicon today with Great Date.  Huzzah! 

Thank God he caught me oogling a really cute butt this morning over coffee at his local Starbucks.  He straight up busted me, or at least I thought he had, and I’d been embarrassed to be caught.  Turns out he didn’t know what I was reacting to and I outed myself.  Whatever.

Much fun butt-oogling ensued, with us perving on all the fine women and strange lack of good looking men.  It was just really freeing.  Thank God too.. because Comicon was full of really hot geeky sexy chicks!  The people watching alone was phenomenal.

I was shocked to find an artist I love there and an online comic artist I’ve loved for years.  I’m not really a big comic geek, but damn I should be.  The art is amazing!  There is an artist, Justin Hillgrove, you must check out! 

Anyway..

I miss him.  This is the hard part of all of this.  We both have lives and can’t just spend all the time together we want to.  It was amazing to spend that time with him in his world, and I love the time he spends in mine, but it’s limited.  This weekend we spent a little time in OUR fledgling world.  I had a birthday and did what I always like to do.  I get together with my loved ones and have a nice dinner.  We laugh and eat too much and generally have a good time. 

Hubby brought RollerGirl and I brought Great Date.  My friends were there and saw that the world hadn’t melted.  They’ve been supportive but mildly dubious and it was nice for them to see that these were regular loving people.  My friends said Great Date was really cute and they said RollerGirl looked a little like Drew Barrymore (which she totally does).  🙂  A good time was had by all. 

Afterwards we went back to his new place.  It was AWESOME.  We had time and nobody was coming there to surprise us or weighing in on stuff.  The home itself is really really nice and it was so cool to be there and to dream with him about the things he’d like to do.  He’s picked really cool stuff and has a very cool vision.  It was nice to imagine watching all of that take place and getting to christen it with him. 

So.. a lovely birthday dinner, an evening of bliss, beautiful dreams and plans, and a Comicon complete with girl watching.  My favorite bit though.. it was grocery shopping and stopping at Home Depot, doing all those little domestic things, and just having a bit of a daily life.  Good times!