Home Again

Traveler and I just got home from a week away, and what a week!  I think I fell even more in love with him.

We spent a week together in Vancouver Island in British Columbia.  It was wonderful. We hiked and walked and ate great meals and did sea kayaking.  We had morning and afternoon and evening kisses and snuggles and hot passionate sex. We had connected sex and sweet sex and close gasping, can’t stop kissing, locked eyes, grasping, aching, delicious sex.  Almost four years in and I fall fall fall.  God yes.  We’ve never spent a week together before, just us, and it was glorious.

We talked and talked and joked and laughed and kissed and snuggled and just had the best time.  It was easy and fun.

And honestly it was hard to come home.  We daydreamed about the cafe we’d open in Hawaii or the bed and breakfast we’d run like the one we stayed in.  We dreamed about the vacation home we’d build together and the little country house we’d live in.  It’s idle dreams that we both know won’t happen.  We love Quinky, and our jobs and our friends, and our lives.  But there was something special about this dreaming o me.  It’s special because it isn’t real.  It won’t hurt anyone or change our lives. It’s just the admission that in a perfect world made of magic we’d get to be together like this all the time.  It’s only the admission that this love is a great love too.

Away From it All

I’m packing and running around for a week long trip to Vancouver island with Traveler. I can’t wait!

A week. We are spending a whole week together. And the best part is that most of the time we won’t have wifi. This means he can’t work a bunch of it like his work always wants to make him. I’m not deluded. I’m sure he’ll work some, but a lot of it, he can’t. Heaven.

We will check in with Quinky as we are able, because of course we’ll miss her, but other than that and maybe a tiny bit of work Traveler is roped into, we will just be together.

We planned a canoe trip and a caving adventure, and I’m going to take him to a taxidermy store. We will have a couple of fancy dinners, and try some yummy beer and get a nanaimo bar too. We’ll hike and hit the hot tub, and be in nature, and enjoy board games with our wine. We’re planning sand castles and a sexy adventure too. God, I’m excited!!!

Back to packing!

Sexy Times Are Lovely Learning Experiences

It’s been mostly real and hard to talk about lately.. good stuff.. just deeper and harder to say, closer to the chest. And then there is sexy adventure.  😉 Traveler and I took a vacation to Idaho for skiing and had a wonderful time. It was so bonding and so wonderful.  All the good talks and all the good meals and all the fun was had.  It was nice just to be together, marveling at the joy of just having time.  And we met our lovely smart funny sexy blogger friend.  The conversation was one of those great ones that is all over and we soon talked like old friends, excitedly sharing info and relating.  It was one of those conversations were I learned a lot of Traveler’s thoughts too on things.  And she was so very sexy, mesmerizing with her beautiful mind and sexy hourglass curves and the enticing slant of her smile. I worry a little that I pushed things maybe further than they were naturally though.  It seemed like flirting and fun were welcome and the kisses fiery and sweet and everyone consented to and seemed to enjoy everything.  Late into the night we found ourselves naked and playing, Traveler and my friend and me. and it was all good, wonderful even, beyond the orgasms and the excitement, but I worried maybe I pushed things.  I would have been happy to just have those kisses, and it was hot, all of it, the kisses and play and all the sexy times that came after, but it’s just something I’ll think of in future situations, to not push so much because I’d rather be left with no doubt and be sure that nobody ever feels pushed and that no hesitancy, however minor, is ignored.  Everyone seemed to have fun and in the morning we all checked in and were good.  In no way was the evening or all that happened a bad thing.  I just want to be sure I always learn what I can. I love what threesomes teach me about myself, about someone new, and about my partner.  I’m still processing good things.

A redheaded woman reclines in the water, from pinterest.com

47 Things

Ever notice in poly you get to feel 47 things at once? 

I just got back from a wonderful vacation with Traveler.  It was relaxing and fun and beautiful.  I walked through the door and started unpacking and planning to walk down the street fair by my house.  Traveler and I plan to play WoW and maybe have a bite later and walking around sounds like a fun way to stretch my driving muscles.  Quinky Girl is outta town until tomorrow, and we got back a day earlier than her.  Poor man, Traveler has some more work stuff to do, but we’ll see how it goes and at least play WoW later.  I love it.  I love that even after all that time together we still want to see each other.  It makes me feel so fucking loved.  

So, checking in with everyone I have a brief chat with Cleveland and learn that he’s going to have bagels with his wife in the morning and can’t come have breakfast with me on his way out of town.  He can however pop by for a quick hug and kiss before his 2 week trip away.  He said he could do sexy stuff too if I like, and the only response I could muster was “heh”.  A week apart with no cell connectivity and almost no contact and seeing him before 2 more weeks apart also likely with little to no cell or other contact, and the plan had to change.  <facepalm>  I’m just not ready to feel or deal with that one.  I just want to enjoy my trip just a little bit longer, so I’m tabling my reaction to that.  And what good would it do anyway?  

Back to the good stuff.

Back to feeling wonderful.  Back to feeling relaxed and happy and loved.  Back to talk of the future and talk about the little scary things, and talk about everything else.  Back to the sweet time together.  Back to 800 miles of companionship and delicious dinners on the patio.  Back to sleeping wrapped like spider monkeys most of the time.  Back to kisses and hugs and snuggles and affection and passionate expressions that leave me breathless.  One situation in life will NEVER replace the other here in matters of the heart, but just for tonight, just for now, I’m going to concentrate on the good stuff in my life and maybe table the things that hurt.  Right this moment, right here and now, I’m deciding to feel just some of my 47 things.  I just want to keep feeling happy.  

Vacation… ahhhh.

Traveler and I are enjoying the Okanagan Valley pretty damn well indeed.  Isn’t it fun how time spools out in a vacation?  It’s never as long as it seemed it would be and it’s so lovely whiling away the hours relaxing and talking and eating and drinking good things, taking time and making time and just being.  

We found a vacation rental that is private, lovely, and perfectly suited.  It’s a carriage house overlooking a lake.  We are enjoying the grill and deck immensely.  It’s in a town called Kaleden, on the Skaha lake in Okanagan Valley British Columbia.  And it’s heavenly.  The mountains all around reflect the sun on the green rolling hills and vineyards leading down to the center lake, and everywhere are tiny little wineries and little mom and pop places.  I think I’m a little more into some of our wines than he is though.  But then, he knows a thing or two about wine.  I just like the yummy ones.

A picture in the Cascade Mountains, showing the shockingly green water

We woke up and had a leisurely breakfast of brioche french toast and pineapple and lazed about a good bit.  Traveler’s work unfortunately is intruding with something that shouldn’t be a crisis but leaves him no choice.. being annoying without really being actually urgent, but what are you going to do?  So tonight he’s snuggled into one loveseat and I’m in the other, he to work on work and me to blog.  He’ll need to spend a few hours tomorrow on it too, which is a slight bummer, but at least it’s not worse.  I’ll be glad when he’s done.  It’s been weighing on him and it’ll be nice when he can relax and have it behind him.

The time is drizzling from my fingers and going too fast.  Even this moment I’m trying to remember to take note.  I’m looking at him a little here and there, loving the shared time of separate togetherness.  It’s a thing I miss sometimes in polyamory, where time is so precious that it’s rare to have this “nothing” time together.  It’s precious stuff.. this evening computer time and laundry and errands and planning and doing the little business of life.  I’ve been enjoying more of it lately with Traveler and even some here and there with Quinky Girl, and I have to tell you, I’m a fan.

A delicious Okanagan wine, Haywire Syrah

I love that this is a real vacation, a trip long enough to have touring and fun and delicious passionate sex and hours of snuggles and naps, and dishes and grilling and watching a family of deer and trying again and again to video chat with Quinky Girl on her trip back east and just.. everything.  I don’t think I could ever stop wanting to hold him and pet him and kiss him.  I love listening to him talk about this work thing, hearing some of his philosophy on the ridiculous practice of evaluations.  I love our fits-and-starts game of Axis and Allies.  I love the delicious meals we are making together and his hands on my hips as I cut broccoli or him reading things off the net to me while I’m sautéing.  I like taking my time and washing every inch of him in the shower, exchanging smiles and wet kisses.  I am so content sitting here together.  Vacation.  Ahhhh.

Yippee!

Cascade Mountains

Today I am off with Traveler to British Columbia.  We’re driving about 6.5 hours and traveling through the Cascade Mountain Range.  We’ll pass through some of the most gorgeous roadsides in our country, judging from Google Images.  I can’t wait.  Is it weird I’m so looking forward to so many hours in the car with my love?

I love road trip time.  I love talking about everything and nothing and sharing music and silences and the little squeeze you give each other on the knee, or that affectionate eye contact.  I just love it.  I have to admit my favorite part though is the talk.

Whenever anyone asks me what superpower I wish I had I always answer “The Ability to Read Minds at Will”.  Well, that or teleportation.  If I could I would vulcan mind-meld people. I am endlessly fascinated by the depth and breadth and variety of human existence and view and thought.  I wish I knew everything people think when I wanted to know it.  I am constantly asking “What are you thinking?”.  It makes people crazy.  I think that’s why I was so drawn to mental health.  I love knowing what makes people tick.  I like knowing what matters to you and how you feel about things and what you would like and how you plan and how your mind works.  People being honest about anything is almost never boring.  Humans are fascinating and surprise me all the time.

And road trips and long walks and talking way into the night are some of the few ways to have a teeny bit of that vulcan mind meld.  A few hours into a road trip people get honest.  You can ask them things and they’ll pause and answer when normally back home they just say “I don’t know”.  Some of my fondest times with friends and lovers were like this, just talking about nothing and everything on the road.

Well, we’re about to hit it, so I better go get the cold stuff outta the fridge and into the cooler.  I’ll be blogging here and there, and I’m always checking my stats and comments (it’s an obsession) because… well.. I just told you why.  I like knowing what you think.  If I could, I’d read your mind.

I'm so excited!!!!!!

I want to gush.  I am so excited.  I’m so excited.  Traveler and I just booked our trip’s lodgings and it’s a go.  I’m dancing with joy.  We are staying in a realllllllly cool carriage house in Canada’s wine country in the Thompson Okanagan Valley, British Columbia.  It is right by a bunch of wineries in walking distance and it has a nice kitchen and a big private deck and a grill overlooking the water of a beautiful lake.  Traveler and I can tour the beautiful area.. hitting wineries and maybe even a hot spring and then come back to our cute little carriage house to grill a yummy dinner and share some of the wine from our spoils.  I’m picturing a sky full of stars and all of our yummy grilled goodness.  We’re hoping for some quiet nights to play games and relax and pet and just chill and days to leisurely explore.

Then, we’re stopping in Vancouver on our way back and staying at this totally wonderful hotel.  It’s all new and fancy and has all these cool features like chocolate on your bed turn downs and bathrobes and slippers and bicycles and umbrellas and electronic tablets you can use for free.  There’s a rain shower and the place has no bottles so they give you these glass things to use that you can fill with filtered water.  Fancy, no?  It’s not that expensive too.. any of it.  It’s pretty fairly priced I think.

But with all that amazing amazing exciting-ness… the part I am super jazzed about and over the moon about is time.. glorious precious amazing wonderful real time with Traveler.  Can you imagine?!?!?  4 nights and 5 days.  A road trip.  Adventures.  Meals.  Snuggles.  Sleeps.  Kisses.  Time.  Time for games and lusty experiments and just.. TIME!!!  I’m so excited.  Thanks for letting me gush a little.  I’m just so excited.  😀

Anticipation

Cat hoping on his back legs with his hands clasped found at: http://lisabttc.files.wordpress.com/2012/08/cat.jpg

I said something tonight at trivia that got me thinking a little.  I said I didn’t want to hope too much when it looked like we won or it wouldn’t happen.  My friend asked if I really believed my thought could change the outcome and I said I didn’t.. not really.  See, intellectually I don’t believe my mind can control things.  But it is an old old habit.  I catch myself wanting something, excited and I try not to want it too much.  I shut it down.  I have this old tape that says if you really want it it won’t happen.  And I realized I do this all the time.  I actually tell myself “don’t get too excited or you’ll mess it up”.  It’s so funny the things we tell ourselves, isn’t it?

Having said all that, I’m really getting excited for my trip with Traveler.  I can’t fucking believe it.  We’re planning a big road trip to British Columbia for.. get this.. 4 nights and 5 days.  It’s like a real vacation!  It is a real vacation!  I need to kill leave and I think he does too and what a great way to do so.  I spent a while before my date with Cleveland tonight and after looking at lodging and getting stoked at the idea of grilling with Traveler, and getting to drive with him a good long while, and going to wineries, and maybe hitting a hot spring.. and just.. whatever.  We could play axis and allies or stay in bed until 1.  We could do anything.  I’m almost giddy.  He seemed excited too, planning it with me last night.  (Don’t want it too much).  🙂

It felt like a while since I’d seen him and I guess it was a while since we’d had much time.  My last date with him was a week before and we’d met right before our weekends away for a quick bite.  It was a precious few hours after work and before we fell asleep, but it felt like a lot to reconnect and have fun planning our vacation.  We were both yawning a lot with our bellies full of tuna pasta and we blissed out on touch.  It was so nice to reconnect in all our little ways and to fall asleep sated and warm and happy.  I love our little mundane weeknights too.  It’s funny how long it feels now when I don’t see him for a week.  Time with my beautiful men has me spinning like the hills are alive with the sound of music.

 

If You Were an Ass

“If you were an asshole, it wouldn’t be because of bad luck that you have no friends”.  This was Ph.D’s answer to my agreeing that I am ridiculously lucky with the people in my life.  He said, “It’s not just luck that you’ve created a circle of people who love you that are awesome.  You’re awesome and you picked good people and treated them well and they love you”.  Sweet, no?

Ph.D. has been visiting from Colorado for the last 5 days or so and we’ve done a whirlwind Seattle and meeting with the murder and friends kinda deal.  We’ve been crazy booked and just having the nicest times.  We played games with Cleveland and his wife, Quinky Girl, Traveler and Peaches, and we met up with my friends Tex and Fishnet, and went camping with Chicago and Chicago Boy.  We’ve have wonderful meals and lovely conversations and it was fun to show my loves and friends off to him and him off to my loves and friends.  He’s totally smitten with my whole family and circle, and it was fun to see them all through his eyes too.

You know that feeling when you share something you like with someone and they experience it and you sort of vicariously see it new through them?  It was like that.  

Happy Trails

I’m in Chicago with my good friend and having a ton of fun and a lot of great conversation.  You know those people in your life that you just have these meandering conversations about everything and nothing?  It’s thought provoking and funny and interesting and sad and healing.  There’s a comfort to people that have known you forever and love you warts and all.  I’m a lucky girl.

One of the most painful parts of this divorce has been this feeling that I am so alone and that I will always be alone, and I’m just not.  It’s absolutely saved my ass that I have the beautiful relationships I have in my life.  I look back over the last six months and see all of these moments where I was loved and held and talked to and listened to and reassured and encouraged.  I see Traveler’s Wife just getting it and cracking me like a walnut, Peaches and I commiserating, Traveler being the poor unfortunate soul who held me while I cried at each of the really bad blows, Cleveland’s sweet face and kind touch, especially after my dog died, Ph.D’s conversations and assurances that as long as he lives I’ll never be totally alone, and my friend here in Chicago knowing Hubby and I so well, having lived with us and having been a friend to both of us for years, asking questions only she would know to ask.  I hate that I have needed every bit of this but I’m so grateful it was there.

My Chicago friend and I have stayed up late and seen little of Chicago, because the flow of words has trapped us in doorways and made us stop in a million places, deep in conversation.  We’ve been catching up and diving a little deep, like we do, and I am having revelations and prompting them in her too by the cart-full.  There’s been a lot of laughter too.  It’s just good.

I’m loving this city and even the cold that is stealing all the moisture from my body.  I feel inspired by all the art and talk and food and life.

I have to admit though, I miss my loves.  I don’t love that all of our travels this month will keep us apart, but I know it’ll be fun to come together and share our stories again.  God I can’t wait.

I’m off to hit a bakery and get a Chicago dog on my way out of town.  Funny that we’re walking and eating our way through this trip.  🙂