People Lie

Sometimes people tell themselves things.

I posted a rather stupid comment on my grown daughter’s Facebook page that implied something I honestly hadn’t meant.  I was trying to be funny and failed.  The dog walker jumped on there and called me out and said something to the effect of “shame on you.  (Ex-hubby) and (daughter) are father and daughter!”  I replied that it wasn’t her business and that I knew they were father and daughter since I helped raise my daughter since she was 7.  But I realized my comment was kinda stupid and apologized to my ex and my daughter and deleted it.

The dog walker sent a message to me saying it was her business because my daughter is her family and my ex and my daughter belong to her now.  Um. Okay.  Like they are cows.  It’s not like I think my ex is mine at all, in any shape or form.  I get that my daughter is also becoming the dog walker’s family.  This is natural.  They are in each other’s lives daily and likely care a great deal about each other.  More people loving and treating my daughter well is awesome in my book.  My daughter becoming family is awesome, but it doesn’t make her any less my family too.  And as I said here many times, I genuinely liked the dog walker.  I think she’s a good fit for The ex and she was always really nice.  I’m honestly not sure what beef she could have with me.  I never talk to her, have no dealings with her, talk to my ex (her boyfriend) hardly ever, and have never said a negative thing about her.  I’m a grown-up.  She was always amazing with my pets, and seemed like a genuinely nice person.

Image of pinocchio from stevemehta.com

So, here’s the thing that puzzled me with this.  When she sent her irate message, she started it with “your cheating is out in the open now”.  Um.. yeah.  I’d say me having sex outside my marriage is pretty fucking well documented.  I’ve been writing a blog about it for 3 years now and it has gotten over 120,000 hits and has 750 or so regular prescribers.  I am out to pretty much everyone.  My husband and I told our families we were open.  Even a few people at my work know.  It’s not a secret.  I had sex with others.

And What If They Suck?

image of a fortune cooking saying “mind your own business” found at- http://freeisbeautiful.net/wp-content/uploads/2012/05/MYOB-Cookie.jpg

I have to start this out by saying, my metamours (partners partners) DO NOT SUCK.  This post is more of a general post.  I’ll admit that I’ve had these conversations with my metas and with my partners and others and I’ll admit that from time to time I’ve seen some of this stuff. Sometimes, much to our consternation, our partners are gonna pick people that we wouldn’t pick.

Recently I met a guy online that worked for a while with one of my partners.  I told my partner I’d met this guy online and he said only “Oh.  That’s cool.  Maybe meet him in person before you make any decisions”.  It turns out this guy was maybe a little bit nutty.  Afterwards I asked my partner why he didn’t warn me.  He said that he didn’t want to meddle and he had no way of knowing how this guy conducted relationships, of course.  He said he didn’t want to appear protective or to influence me into not dating someone if I liked them.

We try to not meddle in each others relationships. Beyond matters of safety, it’s honestly none of my business.  I choose for myself how involved I am with the people my partner is dating.  Some of them I have become absolutely loving with and some I see now and then.  I haven’t always liked everyone that dated everyone I dated and I likely won’t.  What matters in who my partner dates is who THEY want.  Now, clearly if my partner has issues with partner selection and maturity, that’s gonna be an issue eventually.  But it will be an issue between my love and I, not between me and who they date.  Take for example dudes that seek out youngin’s all the time.

classic black and white image of a well dressed man saying “chill out slut” found at http://www.funnyjunk.com

I am 39 years old, almost 40.  I don’t date 20 year olds because they are simply too young for me.  It’s a maturity thing.

This Has Been Compromised

Well.. a lot of things have come to a head.  The old problem with my roommate situation has arose again and I’m throwing in the towel.  My roommate and I had a talk and I can’t really talk about it much here because she (they?) have been reading the blog and are upset.

This is kind of hard, mostly because I’m hurt and angry and this is where I would talk about my feelings but it’s being used to judge me.  I was told that they’d read and discussed the blog and this is why I’ve been made to feel so unwelcome in my home.  I’m getting more and more angry the more I think about it honestly.  I’m not going to quote anyone, but fuck off that I can’t talk about my feelings about this.  Kink made me a person of bad character?  Screw off.

Tit for Tat

Oh Please.  Lies are see-through.  You’ll pretend and say anything to “compete”, though of course it’s not a competition.  When you play that game, you always lose because love and sex and relationships aren’t a sport.  They aren’t a contest.  You don’t have to dangle carrots you think others are dangling to get the attention you crave.  And you sure as shit aren’t going to make any real converts by trying to out be what someone else is.  Be you. 

Be you.  Be who you are.  Do what you do well.  Love those you love for what they are.  Don’t pretend you want what you don’t.  Don’t use people.  Be authentic about what you want and need and what you like.  Tell people clearly and directly what you want and show them who YOU are.  Those that belong in your life will love you for that.  Stop playing games to deal when you are jealous or insecure or unhappy.  Don’t create drama and whisper darkness to hurt others because you are hurting.  Talk to people honestly about these feelings when they come up, because they do in all of us, and work on what is driving them.  Until you admit you are tweaked, you will never be free of what is chapping you.  Sigh. 

Little Bits

I haven’t written this week because I haven’t had much to say and didn’t have any burning topics.  I thought I’d do a quick little bits and pieces post though of little things that weren’t a whole post.

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Why why why?

God bless it. It’s day one and already it’s stupid. My husband is so convinced I want to fuck him over. I’d like not to be stupid or hire lawyers or whatever. We wanted to take some time to let this all sink in. Already he’s getting wacky. He got upset because I moved the insurance on my car and got rental insurance. Seriously? Why?

We are in fact separate and I don’t live there. Even if we wait and find we’d like to magically get back together, I still don’t live there and won’t for a while. He started talking about how he knows he’s fucked and ill take him to the cleaners. What the fuck?
I swear to god it’s like he didn’t share a life with me. I’ve never been money grubbing or weird about money and he knows this. Why would I start now?

He replaced me. He threw me away and I just keep asking to be fair. Seriously? I’m giving him the house and furniture. I’m splitting my inheritance he’s not legally entitled to because it’s morally right. What is wrong with him? But then.. Just because we’re split, why would it all be reasonable now?

Young Girls are Whack

I was talking to an old friend yesterday.  He recently had a problem where a 20 year old girl he was “dating” turned out to be very unsavory.  He’s in his 40’s.  She’s hot.  He was surprised she was a train wreck. 

May/December Romance

I’ll admit there are some very young very hot girls who want relationships or friends with benefits with middle aged men, but honestly.. they’re usually very damaged.  There are exceptions of course, but they are usually for men who are very very rich or look like Matthew McConaughey and that most normal 20 year old’s don’t date most normal 40’somethings.

Um.. yes please. 🙂

When I told him this, he became increasingly upset.  He could not or would not see that I was not saying he is poor or not good looking.  He was incensed.  I didn’t think I was saying anything particularly hurtful and apologized and tried to explain.  The more I tried, the more upset he became.  He began insulting me and listing my flaws, defending himself.  I held it together for a while and then lost my temper.  I called him an infant.  He has a habit of being defensive and pushing people out of his life, despite the fact that he’s an intelligent, caring, sweet, funny, kind, good looking guy. 

I was concerned for him.  This girl was a train wreck of epic proportions.  She was a pill/meth/drug addict and was like.. days sober when they met and began “dating”.  He knew that she’d done crazy things in the past but thought she was good because “She’s sober now”.  Um.. sober for days?  And she was actually admittedly still smoking pot.  She has a twitter account and was posting shit about doing this guy and that guy and doing meth, and around the time my old friend had sex with her, she posted that she was “throwing up cum next to 7-11.  I’m so classy”.  That was almost exactly at the same time my friend had unprotected sex with her. 

“What?” he said, “I couldn’t have known.  I asked her if she was regularly screened and was clean.  She said she was.”  Right.  But she’d have sex with a guy she’s known for like a week with no condom?  She’s a paragon of sexual safety, as is my friend.  Not surprisingly she gave him Chlamydia.  (I hope that’s all she gave him).  When he finally reached her about it she admitted that she knew and “was going to tell him” but he was an asshole.  She insulted him.  He was nervous about her because of her crazy twitter and irate phone call and changed the locks on his house. 

So with him on day one of antibiotics, I thought it might be a nice time to ask him if it might be wise to rethink this whole dating-20-year-old-women thing.  He blinked a lot and seemed sincerely confused.  “No.  What do you mean? Why would you say that?”.  “Um.. because the kind of 20 year old who would date a man of your age isn’t going to be a very quality person, on average”.  This one was tweeting all kinds of unsafe and crazy things, gave him clap, lied about her testing, insulted him, and scared him.  Really, he’s surprised? 

Bono with two very young girls.

The crazy part is he’s a cool guy.   He can actually get really decent women if he raised the bar a little.  Instead of hearing me though, he became more and more unreasonable and ended the friendship, convinced I was “twisting the knife”.  Sigh.

His girlfriend was trying to tell him the same thing but he just WILL NOT hear it, and he’s a very smart guy.  Sigh. 

Eh..it’s not always a good idea to be a messenger or hold a mirror to someone.  I didn’t take his insults and lashing out to heart and I’m not very upset that he withdrew his friendship, but I am a little flabbergasted and sad.  What are you going to do?

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Good quote-

    “It takes two to make drama. There comes a point where you just have to ignore the other person and not let yourself feed in to their drama”.

I didn’t like a blog post but it pointed out true things.. kinda.  I’ve defended Great Date and his propensity for drama quite a bit, but I most certainly had my own drama in the last days of our relationship, so I have to own my part.

I was overly emotional and reactionary.  I was terrified of losing this thing I thought was so good.  I had a jealous time at first with PolyV.  I had a hard time dealing with others constant jealousy and insecurity.  I took on the feelings of those around me.  I became overwhelmed and didn’t handle my emotions well AT ALL.  I’m embarrassed at how effected I was and at the emotional lability I expressed. 

Gone

I keep having these waves, like now, where it all swells up and I can’t take it. They pass, but here I am, shaking on the boat. I can’t do this. I can’t do this. I am infinitely replaceable –and forgettable. Everyone is better. Hubby finally looks up from RollerGirl, but not at me. Great Date just erases my name and plops hers right in. They are just like me, but better. They are calmer, prettier, easier, sexier, and more fun. I know this is lies but I am nothing. I am less that nothing. I never even existed. They don’t even have a space where I once was because I matter so little. I know this is wrong.. THIS is why they better. I don’t really believe this but I believe it enough at times like this. I get to stand here watching them enjoy everything I ever wanted but wasn’t good enough to get or when I got it, to keep.  I know that I’m loved, but not like that. That is only for them and even the hard won things I earned, they got with ease. Every time… Because they are better. It takes no time and no effort to usurp me, because even those things they said, tears in their eyes, were pretend. They’re pretty pretty wisps of smoke.. Gone.