A Tizzy

My beautiful metamour, please skip this one.  Thank you!

…

I am in a tizzy.  Maybe it’s the sweltering heat.  Maybe it’s all the naughty adventure talk.  Maybe it’s imagining what I’d like to order Yarn Hooker to do.  Maybe it’s reliving recent fun adventures or not having had a taste of the man I just started dating recently.  Maybe it is what is happening between Traveler and I.  Maybe it is our plans together or the plans I’m pursuing alone.  I don’t know.  It’s delicious.

I feel like I am in heat.  I cross my legs at work to feel them press against my pussy.  When I am walking and my rings rub I find the lick delicious.  I am on fire.  We’ve been exhausted and had little time together for weeks until this last weekend and still it is hotter.  This rabbit hole!

I’m planning an adventure…two actually.  One adventure Traveler and I are undertaking together.  One I am undertaking myself.  I have a long held fantasy and I am going for it.  I have to admit I worried about it, worried about hurting this thing with Traveler and I.  It keeps going deeper.  It keeps getting hotter and I have more here than any woman has a right to… right here.  Last night while he worked his magic I felt high with desire.  He played me like a viola.  I was panting.  I could not get my panties off fast enough to let his fingers inside. I could not stop the stream of sex and desire pouring out of my mouth.  I whispered.  I sang.  I breathed “I want you”.

We had spent the night sharing kinky desires and making plans.  We shared fantasies about Yarn Hooker and talk about the fantasy I’m pursuing.  I’d been scared to talk about it too much… scared to trust him saying that he wanted me to pursue it.  I’m so used to men saying they love my sluttiness and turning cold.

I remember my ex husband fucking me from behind in the hotel in Maui, knowing everyone standing right outside the door was listening and could hear, could see our outline, fucking me so hard we were both screaming with passion and then asking if he could cum in my mouth, telling me he wanted to fuck my face and loving it, he cried out while I swallowed every drop, he eagerly talked for days about how amazing it was to finally date a woman who he could be his every passion with.  And I remember the way his voice was cold shortly after our wedding when one night I asked him to cum on my face.  How quickly it all turns.

But it isn’t here.  If anything Traveler is wanting me MORE.  He doesn’t share this kink.  He doesn’t want to go there with me, but he wants me to go there and loves me for being authentically myself.  I think he might love me more for the sincerity here.  More and more and more I feel his want and his need and I’m comforted.  He sees ME.  He knows ME.  And he LOVES ME.

He doesn’t want me because I’m fulfilling a kinky desire for the slutty girl.  (Although I sure do like a slut lover).  He doesn’t want me just today because I am the porn image and he’ll reject me when he loves me, for being too much.  He wants me because he wants me, I think very much like I want him.  He wants to hold me and kiss me and love me and fuck me and be with me.  I can’t tell you what that does to me!

Last night I told him on my way home that I needed him naked.  He laughed and said I’d just had him.  We had fucked so quietly, after a long hot day, exhausted, but needing, trying to avoid the houseguest hearing and I’d come so hard trying not to make a sound that we could hear the splashing.  I’d controlled my breath and my ragged sounds and it had only made it more intense.  When he’d held his breath and bucked beneath me while he came thrashing with the pressure he’d held in, I felt him cum and I’d come again once more, soaking us both and making an audible rhythmic splash.   But I needed him again.

I needed him because I always need him.  I can’t imagine not needing him.  But I needed him too because I have been on a tizzy of desire.  I am overflowing.

We fucked hard last night after hours of teasing talk, urgent and with abandon, saying slutty slutty things, and I’d lost it when he said what he wanted me to do, and even then – right after we finished I could not stop coming and I’d played with my pussy when we’d stopped fucking, coming again all over him. It was amazing to look into each other’s faces then, unable to break a spell.

And wouldn’t you know it.  I’m still in a tizzy.

Again.

Again.

What it is to be loved and wanted and heard.. and still.. loved and wanted.

Simmer

You have me on a boil.  You have my mind racing with deep dark luscious thoughts.  I want to taste your skin with my lips barely brushing you and giving you goose flesh.  I want your salt on my tongue.  I want your hair slipping in my grasp and your name on my breath.  I want to know the color of the flecks in your eyes and trace your jaw with my kisses.  I want your warmth and your scent.  I want your breath.  I want to taste all of you, every inch.

I want your every dip and valley and saddle at my fingertips and on my tongue.  I want to make you laugh with small delight and purr with my heat.  I want you to take in your breath sharply.  I want your muscles to coil to me.  I want you to relax into me, warm to my touch.  I want your thoughts to turn to a hum.  I want you to think in simple small words… yes.. oh.. please.. mmm.. yes.

I want to sync.  I want to roll with you and writhe.  I want you to have to use your arms and your cheek and your leg to slide over my skin because your hands aren’t enough.  And when you are melting, easing into my embrace, I want to sink my teeth into your flesh.  I want you to wonder if the heat you feel is your broken skin.

          I want your heart to speed.  

I want to pull your head back and I want to pause so you can feel the things I want to do to you there.  And I want you to turn over to me and to crave my will.  I want you to want to please me.  I want to make me want to make it hurt just enough to make your blood sing.  I want you to feel your body’s response and I want to make you flush and squirm and swell.  I want you to growl.  I want you to course.  I want you to hear and agree with what I don’t actually say.

Mine.

Mine.

Mine. 

Well Kiss My Grits

*** Just a small correction.  I accidentally gave the impression that I was upset and one of my relationships was in trouble or something.  That’s clumsy writing and not the case at all.  I was disgruntled and disappointed about one tiny bit of a plan being messed up, not the whole enchilada.  Sorry about that!  So, clarification.  My relationships are good and I’m happy.. almost goofily so.  I was just venting about a disappointment and a sticky minute.  Having gotten to do that, I feel a lot better and things are still totally cool.  They were the whole time.  I was talking about a small part of a plan, not a whole association.  :)***

 

I know it’s not a misunderstanding.  I didn’t get it wrong.  I am aware I didn’t.  We put it there in black and white together and excitedly discussed the plan a bunch of times, laying out all of the maybes and talked about our lists of fun shit to do.  They changed their minds and don’t want the plan any more.  They had to change it.  When I balked I had slippery sand for my feet, so I said “I guess it’s just a misunderstanding”.  I was trying to save my face and not admit my disappointment because they were making me feel small for protesting.  It worked.

I know it isn’t a misunderstanding and they know it isn’t too.

“I thought this and I didn’t think it’d be a huge deal”.

What am I going to do?  Demand they want what they said they wanted?  Throw a fit over something small and rather insignificant, even if it is a wrench right in the middle?  Make a big deal over something so tiny?

Nope.  They know I’m not fooled and are giving me an out too.  They’re letting me say it doesn’t matter.  I’m disappointed.  Stuff I was excited about isn’t going to happen.  I mean, no puppies will die over it, but yeah… I am legitimately a little disappointed.

They are totally allowed to change their minds and I’m totally allowed to feel disappointed about it.  And I suppose we’re both allowed to give each other the out.

Waitresses from “Alice”, the sitcom where Flo regularly said the catch phrase “Kiss my grits!”, give each other the side-eye.

“It’s a misunderstanding” and “I didn’t think it would be a big deal”.  Kinda bullshit.

But it’s a bullshit that lets us both save face and keep the peace I crave.  They aren’t made to feel bad for feeling like they had to do something that frankly kinda sucks.  And I am not forced to acknowledge that I’m the big dumb dog who was left still wanting what we both said we wanted after they changed their mind.  I hate almost nothing more than being the big dumb dog.

And now to remember is really is a small thing, have my tiny pout, let it out and let it go, and move on.  Well kiss my grits.

47 Things

Ever notice in poly you get to feel 47 things at once? 

I just got back from a wonderful vacation with Traveler.  It was relaxing and fun and beautiful.  I walked through the door and started unpacking and planning to walk down the street fair by my house.  Traveler and I plan to play WoW and maybe have a bite later and walking around sounds like a fun way to stretch my driving muscles.  Quinky Girl is outta town until tomorrow, and we got back a day earlier than her.  Poor man, Traveler has some more work stuff to do, but we’ll see how it goes and at least play WoW later.  I love it.  I love that even after all that time together we still want to see each other.  It makes me feel so fucking loved.  

So, checking in with everyone I have a brief chat with Cleveland and learn that he’s going to have bagels with his wife in the morning and can’t come have breakfast with me on his way out of town.  He can however pop by for a quick hug and kiss before his 2 week trip away.  He said he could do sexy stuff too if I like, and the only response I could muster was “heh”.  A week apart with no cell connectivity and almost no contact and seeing him before 2 more weeks apart also likely with little to no cell or other contact, and the plan had to change.  <facepalm>  I’m just not ready to feel or deal with that one.  I just want to enjoy my trip just a little bit longer, so I’m tabling my reaction to that.  And what good would it do anyway?  

Back to the good stuff.

Back to feeling wonderful.  Back to feeling relaxed and happy and loved.  Back to talk of the future and talk about the little scary things, and talk about everything else.  Back to the sweet time together.  Back to 800 miles of companionship and delicious dinners on the patio.  Back to sleeping wrapped like spider monkeys most of the time.  Back to kisses and hugs and snuggles and affection and passionate expressions that leave me breathless.  One situation in life will NEVER replace the other here in matters of the heart, but just for tonight, just for now, I’m going to concentrate on the good stuff in my life and maybe table the things that hurt.  Right this moment, right here and now, I’m deciding to feel just some of my 47 things.  I just want to keep feeling happy.  

Piercing It

A while back, shortly after Great Date and I broke up and Hubby and I decided to divorce, I decided I would get piercings.  I’d long wanted nipple piercings, but Hubby didn’t really care for them, so I’d held off.  In the aftermath of our marriage, thinking about all kinds of things great and small that I might want to do with myself, piercings and tattoos came up.  I already have a number of tattoos and would like more.  I decided to pierce my nipples and get a vertical hood piercing.  Nipples take forever to heal, but it is an investment of time I suppose.  They are a lot more sensitive and I like my breasts a lot more now.  I’ve always like stimulation to my nipples, and it’s just a lot more interesting now.  I never really liked my breasts, the way they looked, and I think they are cuter now.  They are about 9 months old and I think nearly healed.  The painful healing part was fast, but you have to be careful with them, not to pull on them too much for a good long time to allow them to fully heal properly.

Beautiful woman with facial piercings found at: http://crunchmodo.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/body-piercings.jpg

I went back a short while later and got that vertical hood piercing, and that my friends, that was a damn good idea.  It might be my favorite body modification ever.  I had an orgasm in the grocery store walking down an aisle while it healed.  The crazy amazing sensitivity went away for me in about 2 weeks or so, which was actually a good thing.  The hardest part for me on the healing was not messing with it.  Every time I got excited I could feel my clit stimulated by the bar as it swelled in my hood and I got wet.  That’s not super convenient.  It become a tortuously sexy feedback loop.  Random thought- swelling- clit stimulated by the bar- more excited- wet- very aware of my own excitement and utterly unable to do anything about it… wah.

Plans

Last night Traveler and I had a lovely date planned.  We didn’t spend it remotely how we planned and it was totally lovely.  Cleveland and I had a similar thing happen this week.  In fact, this entire week didn’t go remotely to plan, and you know.. that’s all good.  I got to see both of my sweet men more than I usually do, and I’ve had this lovely connecty stuff with Quinky Girl, and it’s exactly what I need.

You Just Might Get What You Want

A long time ago RollerGirl said to me “you might have to accept that everything you want might actually be possible, and you might actually get it”.  I’m in a weird place of seeing that this is actually possible, and fearing feeling that.  I’ve been wrong before, clearly.  But I’m seeing that I need to change my perspective on this too.  Is it wrong to trust someone and build something and have lots of love and hope and dreams if it doesn’t equal forever?  If one of the parts of the dream is forever and what you get is most of the other parts of the dream, maybe for years, is is all worthless because it wasn’t forever?  To be fair, I don’t think past relationships that ended were “worthless” but yes, part of me considers the fact that it’s over as evidence that it failed, in a way.  I’m thinking this particular thought might not only be unhelpful… it might just be inaccurate.

Okay, in less pie-in-the-sky musings.. I’m thinking this.  Right now I’m feeling elated and happy and excited that things are going so well.  I’m very happy in my relationships.  Traveler and I talked for the first time in a not abstract way about being a family and a mutual desire to live together someday.  We’ve talked more generally about future dreams before, but this time we talked about US.  It surprised and delighted me.  I loved that he has been thinking about that too.  It made me feel secure in a way, that this is something to him too.  That it’s not just having fun.  He talked about practical things, and I felt a little knot somewhere inside loosen.  Maybe I don’t need to be afraid that I’m out here alone.  Maybe, just maybe, it’s okay to feel all the things I’m feeling and maybe I’m not setting myself up.  This beautiful man, this good kind decent fun simple complex thoughtful man, he might want the things I want too, and he might want them with me.  I don’t know what it would look like and I have no rush to make it happen, but it was a reassurance that we are building something.  It’s not just in my head. 

Getting It In

Time is so precious in poly relationships.  I’m traveling to Chicago to see my old friend today.  It’s one of the trips I’d hoped to make this year.  I’m traveling more and it’s part of that “making the life I crave” thing.  I’m not taking all the trips I’d hoped, but I am taking a few.  I got to see Portland finally and Victoria.  And I’m headed to Chicago and Phoenix.  It’s not totally responsible of me frankly because I’m using my savings for some of this, but my Dad left me a little money and I wanted to spend part of it doing something like this.  I know he’d like it that I used a little to see people I love and have new experiences.  He always said “get the power windows honey.  You only live once and you’ll never regret having gotten the power windows”.