Coming Out Sideways

If you don’t deal with feelings they don’t come out the regular way and instead burst a hole to the side, creating a lot more wreckage.

I’ve heard people say they never get jealous and you know.. I don’t usually like to be so harsh.. but fuck you and your self righteous bullshit. I know, I know. I’ll probably get emails or messages about how “no.. I am a special and unique human being and I never get jealous. I might be insecure at times, or something far less stigmatized than jealousy, but I don’t get jealous”.

The people I have really known who say things like this tend to have a jealousy problem. It’s like people saying they hate drama. Drama creators are usually the people you hear vocally spewing about hating all these people with all this drama. They whip everyone around them into drama filled scenes and then moan about the drama, never owning that they draw it to themselves. You can’t stop being a drama llama if you think the drama is always everyone else. I know that I am the maker of most of the drama in my life, either directly or indirectly playing my part, and that’s the first stop toward unraveling drama.

Jealousy is much the same. I don’t care how evolved you are. You will feel jealous at times and if you own it, understand it and will look at it, you won’t stomp over the tender hearts of all in your midst as you passively aggressively exert your desire for control and relief from your jealousy.

We can plan out too, and think how okay things are, only to find these ugly little surprises. All of a sudden we’ll have this thought, or this fear, and that is okay if we can deal with it directly and maturely.

Most of the time I really love watching Traveler fuck a woman we are with. I love seeing his passion from another side. I love knowing how she feels. I love watching their pleasure. It’s hot. But of course I’ve had little moments. I will have more I am sure. Once when it happened I realized it was me pulling away and got back in there and helped. What is NOT okay would be bursting into tears and slamming the door as I storm out in an emotional explosion. It’s okay if later I need to curl up and ask for extra kisses or need to talk about my feelings with my partner or a friend.

In poly I see it often as people display their jealousy by getting territorial or reactive and emotional or withdrawn. Sometimes it involves a lot of insecurity, and sometimes people hide from their jealousy and say they are just a little insecure for a moment.  They do little meddling things to fuck with each other. They keep score. They try to exert control in the other relationship. They get petty. They try to make sure they are given better or best or more. They try to limit others, or sabotage even. I have seen it over and over. It’s corrosive when ignored and even more so when denied, and for what? Foolish pride?

Jealousy is not inherently bad. It can be used as a healthy signal for self-examination and a sign that there is a need to be met. I hate the bad rep jealousy gets because it isn’t all bad and it can be a really helpful and healthy reminder.

But I’m telling you… jealousy is a dirty bomb when allowed to explode. Get it out, or it’s coming out sideways.  Just sayin’

 

Goldilocks

Goldilocks painting by Jasmine Beckett-Griffith

I’ve said many times I wish I were the ever-graceful and unaffected Grace Kelly.  I’m not particularly emotional at the moment, but it’s a thing with me that I get embarrassed of my emotion.  Wait, no.  I get embarrassed of my *messy* emotions.

I’m perfectly happy that I feel boundless love.  I am tickled that a great number of things delight me. I’m passionate.  I love deeply.  I’m fiercely loyal.  I’m tenacious and determined and empathetic.  I can go there with a friend.  I can take a lover there.  All of these emotions I adore.

But it’s the messy stuff.  I’m ashamed I have insecurities.  I’m embarrassed when I cry.  I can’t stand being irrational or out of sorts or brooding.  I despise that I burn over offenses and that I have to address and let go of things when others seem perfectly capable of stuffing them down forever.  I hate my messy emotions.

I was talking about this with Quinky Girl.  She is a human who gets twinges, but by and large she is unaffected by some things that make me rail.  I deeply envy that.  I would be the same way if I could and I can’t.  I HATE to talk about the little things that bother me.  But if I don’t they become big things and come out sideways.  I hate that too.  Other polys say “Oh I didn’t need to talk about that.  I just let it go”.  And I feel much much worse.  It’s like they are jabbing me right in my eye with that.  I’d prefer not to have awkward moments but I can’t be any other way.  I don’t wanna make shit weird.  I don’t wanna have a little chat.  I hate confrontation and awkwardness.  I wanna just flip my hand, brush my hair off my shoulder and say “I never did mind the little things”.  But I simply don’t work that way.

Podcast 11- Peach's Inquisition

We’re doing a little multi-part podcast where we interrogate the members of our little Murder (aka polycule… aka people we are dating and they are dating).  First up is Peaches, boldly submitting to our questions and here for your listening pleasure.  She talks all about the murder, dating poly and mono, how she came to this, and how she does this.  It’s Peaches!

Listen to it HERE.

(yes.  click the little aqua word that says “here” to link to it.)

(it’s free)

(yes it will play on your computer or phone automatically)

Full Stop

I have to stop comparing. It’s making me so fucking unhappy. Stop stop stop.

I am playing WoW and can’t concentrate because I’m all butt-hurt. There. It helped even to write it. I have to stop comparing. This is the second time I’ve done this and it’s so dumb.  I have to stop looking at my cake and then theirs and my cake and then theirs because it just makes me so miserable and otherwise I’m actually very happy. Plus it’s just impossible and wrong. When I’m focusing on my stuff, my plate, my world, all is well. When I look at theirs I think.. hey.. why do they get so much?

So, it’s a four day weekend and I was pretty fucking thrilled because that means I’d get a nice long date… a Saturday. I love Saturday dates, especially when they start a little early. It feels so long and you can have so much fun and relaxing and naughty time and just goodness. And nobody is tired from the week. And there’s breakfast. Mmmm.

So, nobody did anything wrong, but I just kinda feel like I got shafted and you know.. it’s really me and my head doing it. It’s all my head and it’s stupid.  Peaches got all of Friday night and the morning Saturday, and I got the afternoon and evening Saturday and she got the morning, afternoon and evening Sunday, and the whole morning Monday. I’ll get to see him for a tiny bit as he’s coming to my piercing with me, and I find myself butt hurt.

Let me explain. I am doing this to myself. It is totally me!

Reading Between The Lines

cyanide and happiness

I recently got a text from a friend that they’d meant to send to someone else. It was a not very nice thing about me. They had never said this to me. I said “wow. ouch”. They responded “It makes me sound like a bitch, but I love her. I just think it’s post trip annoyance”. I said “No. Ouch because you are talking to me. Great. Thanks”. They had confessed that they were trying to manipulate situations and that they had all these unresolved feelings with their partner and that they’d been upset with me about that.

They finally realized they were talking to me.

Work to Do

Most of the time Peaches and I being friends works in Traveler’s favor.  We both love him and we genuinely like each other and spend a lot of time talking and doing stuff.  It’s nice for him because we like to all go to breakfast together, or hang out, and often she and I will work out schedules for our dates.  Easy peasy.  He’s really honest and has nothing to fear by us talking.  We’ve both checked in with him multiple times about it…if he’s okay with us becoming close, talking, hanging.  He is.

And yesterday it kinda backfired.  Peaches and I were supposed to go to a concert and it fell apart.  She was bummed about that and other things and just wanted to go home alone.  I tried to talk her into doing something else, but she was didn’t want to.  I left her to her bath plans.

I texted Traveler who’d asked earlier in the week if I was able to hang on Wednesday and told him I was free after all because the concert got cancelled, and Peaches made other plans, and would he like to meet for dinner or WoW?  He texted back that it sucked our concert was cancelled.

A while later I texted back and asked “So, do you wanna meet and eat or wanna WoW then?”.  He didn’t answer.  Peaches was feeling a little better and began chatting and I added that Peaches was free after all if he’d like to invite her.  Traveler was at his chiropracter and not answering, which is understandable, and then Peaches says Traveler just asked her out for a beer, so where are we meeting?

What?  Um.  Traveler wasn’t answering my texts and then he asks her out for a beer?  Wtf? 

Keep your eyes on your own cake!

A long time ago, when we first opened up, I was reading everything I could get my hands on about polyamory and open relationships. I read “Sex at Dawn” and “Opening Up” and “The Ethical Slut”, the gold standards of poly/open/swinger lit. I spent oodles of time at Polyamory.org, reading the message boards. I went to munches and meetups and potlucks. Back then, I heard this analogy that jealousy is kinda like cake.

But.. but.. I was doing so well!

I found myself uncharacteristically emo.

Hubby and I are improving I think. It’s hard and we’re trying, and things are still really uncertain there and I have a lot of fear. Great Date and I have been stronger than ever, and things are so good there. We are so close and it’s so very much everything I want and need it to be. He’s working on his own things and growing, which is awesome, and something I really like in a partner. I’m proud of him, if proud is even the word. And our relationship is amazingly good on pretty much every level. Traveler and I are good too. We’re still pretty low drama and low maintenance, even after the “I love you”. We’ve said it once or twice since then. He’s such an engineer. Even Roller Girl and I are having a friendassance. We got to talk a few times and met for lunch. I’m so lucky to have her in my life.

So.. what’s all this emotion about?

Can't Stop Prodding It

Looking at some sexual jealousy, mine and his.. and wondering how to consistently behave.  

Things have taken a decided upswing with Hubby.  We’ve officially been in counseling for a few weeks now and have learned a few useful tools.  He’s also working a bit individually on himself.  It’s still only been days, but I am starting to see that maybe maybe maybe we’ll make it.  I can’t express strongly enough how much this would relieve me.  There’s been a lot of turmoil, but I still really love Hubby.

We had a good date where he came over to the city to spend time with me and we enjoyed each others company.  We talked and laughed, held hands and were kinda loving.  It was nice.  It was followed by days of better stuff too.  We were actually talking and being more like us.  And then last night I took a turn being the asshole.  There is this troubling spot, like a sore tooth I just can’t stop prodding.

The bitter part of the truth

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how I try in many ways to paint this rosy picture of my marriage. I feel a need to come clean. I didn’t do it before because I didn’t want to give a bad view of poly just because we were flawed and I didn’t want to malign Hubby. The God’s honest truth is that Hubby and I have been flawed for a long time. It’s true that most of our poly time we have been closer and better with each other.. but it’s also true that we’ve had dark times. Maybe saying this would help. Maybe it will make you feel not so alone. So I’m going to tell you the truth.