Really? Really?

Ugh.  Dating is the fucking worst sometimes, isn’t it?

I am feeling disheartened.  I really am.

I talked with this guy last night and had all this clicking all over the place.  He is smart and interesting and a good conversationalist.  I put out feelers for a nice casual friend for some adventures.

We talked late.  We talked so late I was late on a paper.  He just seemed.. kinda great.

So today we talked about meeting for a drink.  He was willing to come by my house and I made sure that he understood meeting by my apartment would not mean that there would be any sex, and that I hoped we’d have a drink and talk.

Hours of conversation.. all that talking about all kinds of things last night and this morning and then he cools.  He isn’t so into meeting.  I ask him about it and he says he’d rather not meet for a drink, and asks to meet at my place or his.  I say we don’t have to meet for a drink.  A coffee or a walk or a yogurt or something are fine.

More foot dragging.  Talk about it again and he explains that if I’m uncomfortable we can meet in public, but he’s met people from online before without the meet and greet and it was fun for all and not all about the sex.

I tell him I understand that not everyone does things the way I do, but I would like to meet and just talk without expectation.  When I have met people from online I had oodles of sexy talk with, often the click isn’t there and for me sometimes that is because I feel like there is an obligation or expectation and it’s just better for me and sexier to meet without expectation and let things take their course.

He was rather petulant about it, and we thanked each other for the time.  Just like that.

So odd.  Why would you talk to a woman for hours and hours and then refuse to meet her for a drink if she would not promise sex immediately?   Wouldn’t it have just been smart to go, have a drink, chit chat and end the meeting with a kiss and maybe plans to play next time?  In the best case scenario you meet just for a drink, hit it off and end up together that night, right?  So weird.

What the fuck dating world?

I think I’m going to take up knitting or something instead or join a cribbage league or something.

You and I both know I’ll change my mind.  But right now I’m thinking.. fuck dating.  What a bunch of bullshit.

 

Take a Leap

There are reports out now that Gonorrhea is on the rise in Washington (and everywhere else).  It’s up 40% here, health officials at the Washington Dept of Heath report.

Eek.

A woman in a full body black rubber suit

Gonorrhea is the second most common STI in Washington, after Chlamydia.  The hardest hit demographic is young adults.  The rise is attributed to not using condoms and using them improperly, and the prevalence of unprotected oral sex.

So.. am I gonna stop having sex?  Uh. No.

There are two big errors of thinking that occur with something like this statistic.  One is that we all want to think that the bad things only happen to other people. “I’m 33 and that doesn’t apply to me” and “I was tested last year and so was my partner and we are good”, “I only sleep with educated white people” or “I’m in the NSPP and we are all poly and all safe”.  This is all NONSENSE.

Another main error is the thinking that we are immune because we take this or that safety measure.  “I use condoms with new partners” or “I ask people if they are tested” or “I go on a few dates with someone before anything happens and we always have ‘the chat'”.  This is also NONSENSE.  These are good things to do but they don’t equal immunity.  If you have sex you are taking a risk.

I Don't Know

There are so many things that I don’t know.  I know I had an insanely hot loving close intimate fun weekend.  There were trips to the sex shop for more gear, delicious breakfast casseroles and cookouts, leather cuffs, so much snuggling, petting, great talks about everything, beautiful nights, insanely hot times with just Traveler and I, and then Traveler and I and our new friend Yarn Hooker, and with a new guy I haven’t named yet.  There was wine tasting and homemade pie, games with friends, old friends playing putt putt and laughing over pizza, and a lazy morning just like we like.  There was something in the air this weekend!  I will be enjoying memories of this weekend for some time to come.

And my friend sent me messages yesterday, expressing joy at his partner finding a great new prospect and a tiny bit of trepidation.  What if she likes him better?  What if she only needs the new man?  What if he makes her forget my friend?  He went online to read blogs and found some, all ending with divorce.  Not very encouraging.

I told him honestly that sometimes this life is bitter hard. Relationships USUALLY end before death.  This is true in monogamy and in polyamory and in every other kind of ‘amory too.  How many people do you know that are blissfully coupled with the only person they’ve ever loved and they’ve been together and close and happy for life?  Chances are if you are lucky you can name maybe 5 couples.  That’s 5 couples out of the hundreds or thousands of couples you have known.  It’s not like monogamous relationships are paragons of stability either.  But with the fluid nature of open relationship networks, things do have more opportunity for change, and that really points out the unstable nature of romantic relationships.

Yarn Hooker

Traveler and I met up again with the sexy and smart girl we’d met once for drinks, and this one.. this one contains sexy times.

We sent a follow-up email earlier that we’d loved meeting her and we’d like to ply her with some ping pong and take her home to play.  And she answered that she’d really like that too.

So we met for drinks, laughed a lot over ping pong, and took a trip back to his place.

When she sent the message that she was interested I’d nearly fallen over in glee.  Holy crap.  This girl is AWESOME.  Thank you Universe!  Thank  you Stars!  Oh holy dear world, yes.

So we met and it was fun and fairly easy.  There were awkward bits because it IS awkward to date as three people.  There was a little awkwardness trying to break the physical barrier to get to touch her.  But I did as I do and finally just said “Can I kiss you?”.  I like to do the direct awkward thing sometimes and hope it comes off as charming.

Ageless

Alyson Hannigan.. yum.

God, help me.  I am just as bad as every lecherous guy I dated when I was a young woman.  I’m just as bad as my father.  I’m just as bad as every Camaro-driving balding middle-aged man with every young and beautiful waitress.  I am the idiot who feels special because a young woman thinks I still got it.

I was 18 years old when she was born. I can feel how red my face is right now, but I don’t care.  There’s something about her I like, even past the fact that she’s foxy.

She’s sexy.  She has a pretty fair resemblance to Alyson Hannigan from Buffy.  She has those sleepy sexy eyes and that cutely quirky smile and the red hair too. She’s got a lovely hourglass figure and soft alabaster skin.  She likes technical manuals and nerdy things and she’s interested in learning more about polyamory and in playing with couples and exploring.  She likes being teased.  She likes trying things like fancy Mezcal.  She has a naughty smile.  She thought we were cute too.  She knows how old we are.  She likes it.  She doesn’t have a lot of experience and she’d like more.  She likes my ideas…I do have rather fun ideas.
I’d rather love to help her explore.

Oh God.  I’d love to help her explore.

Please please please universe?

So I have to admit I’d want this girl even if it were just physical.  But there is something kinda great there, a certain humor and an intellectual curiosity that I find highly appealing.  Most every person who ever tried to justify robbing the cradle has said it, but it’s true.  She’s kinda timeless.

It’s odd but I relate to that.  I was always that old soul, that 11 year old with the 15 year old friends.  I spent my young adulthood generally with people of all sorts of ages.  I’ve had friends from 14-74.  This girl does too.  When she talks about her friend who is 63 and from Sri Lanka I totally see a bit of myself in that.

But yeah.. kinda red-faced.

She’s 23.

Sharing

I love it when I hit a little jag and spiral on a sexy interest.  It fascinates and excites me.

I’m still having fun chatting with people from Craigslist, even if I met a couple people that were totally not a good fit, one that totally was a great fit and that never contacted me again, and one that I had the fun night with.  But an old desire might be eclipsing my little jaunt into the world of rare and fun casual sex with dudes from Craigslist.

It’s women.  More specifically it’s women to share.

Lust and Marriage

flyer for Lust and Marriage by Dance Naked Productions

I went to a play last night in Seattle, at the Theatre off of Jackson.  It was called “Lust and Marriage”.  If you can, you must run to this play.  It was phenominal!  It is showing there tonight, and tomorrow and then Thursday, Friday and Saturday of next weekend too.  It is put on by Dance Naked Productions, by Eleanor O’Brien.  June 14th is the last day.

Eleanor, I hope I can call her that after she kinda bared her sex and love and relationship soul out there, put on an amazing performance.  I laughed sooo much, and I cried too a little.  It was the story of lust, desire, sex, relationships, dating, hope, heartache, jealousy, acceptance, commitment, open relationships, polyamory, freedom and love.  And it was fucking RIVETING.

It was 90 minutes long with no break and it felt like 20.  It felt like she was telling my story.  It felt like she was telling everyone’s story.  There’s this magic that happens when someone is being so real that it just sparks on the real in others.  Our heart knows when something came from the heart.  So it was like that, so close to the bone.  It was hard to watch in parts because of this.  I knew and related to some really hard things.  But it was good too.  It was sort of wonderful to feel all of that gamut of stuff about love and sex and connection.  I laughed so much and only had that one spot to cry in, and while painful, that was good too.  She spun this kinda spell that good performances spin, and I was utterly enthralled.  So much to think about.

I say this with brutal honesty… if you are near Seattle at all, you need to run to this show.

Unicorn Hunters

I have an account on OK Cupid, where many people in open relationships are. I list myself as a bisexual woman, because I am, and this means I get a share of couples looking for that elusive bi-babe to come and be their third.  There is nothing wrong with wanting to have a threesome and nothing wrong with wanting it to be a casual thing or an ongoing thing.  It’s a common thing that new couples want to find a single woman to come and be in a relationship with both of the members.  There are a lot of reasons for this, some good and some bad frankly.  I’m not really writing about that whole ball of wax.  Many writers already have written about it, and many better than me.  This hot bi-babe that will come and have sex with and/or date both members of a couple is called a unicorn.

What I am writing about today is my response to a very certain kind of unicorn hunter.  In my account on OK Cupid I fairly regularly get a very specific sort of message that honestly drives me crazy.  Some couple or member of a couple will write this kind of form letter to me not indicating any interest at all in me or my profile or anything really having anything to do with me as a person.  It’s usually a version of this:

Hi there!  I am “name” and I’m with “name”.  We are a fun outgoing couple that likes walks on the beach and wine and fun and good sexy times.  He is blank years old and I am blank years old, and we’ve been together blank number of years.  We are low drama, drug and disease free and always play safe.  We are looking for an attractive, fun, drug and disease free woman to join us for fun/date us/explore a relationship with us.  He is amazing in bed and likes this and this and that and he says I’m super great in this way.  We want to do x and y and z in bed.  We look forward to hearing back from you.

The Case for Cunnilingus

Last night I had drinks with Quinky Girl and Peaches.  We had supportive, real down and deep girl talk.  They called me on being a “spinner”, which of course I am and know I am, but they pointed out something about my spinning.  It’s a simple idea that kinda struck me.  I struggle sometimes and think or “spin” too much.  It bothered me that what they were saying was true.  I know that they’ve gotten to know me in a really unique time in my life, and I’m an external processor and overcommunicator, so everything I feel comes out, and sometimes analyzing things was better than losing it and crying on the floor.  This thinking and spinning is part of a process for me, which they supported in a really cool way, but maybe a part that doesn’t have to be as large or as painful as it is sometimes.  And it sounds dumb, but I think I got a little nugget from that.  I knew that they were wrong about some things, like the extent, but I also knew that they were right about what they were saying, and what they were saying to me was important.  And I appreciated the reassurance too.

Oh last night… I had too many drinks.  So, early this morning I woke up and downed a glass of water and Motrin and still woke with a headache.  I was thinking how nice it would have been to have my favorite headache cure… an orgasm.  For this piece to work, we’re gonna have to suspend the fact that I could have just masturbated.  Go there with me.  It’s fun.

woman pointing happily at a man under the sheet found at:http://billydeesspace.com/storage/CunnilingusHumor.jpeg?__SQUARESPACE_CACHEVERSION=1373027010994

Confused? Yeah. I get that.

I was talking to Peaches about casual sex relationships, and she said she doesn’t like “feeling like the temp that never gets hired”.  Isn’t that a great metaphor?  It’s fun to have casual fun but a real bummer when all you meet is casual when you crave a little more.  I had to get her permission to use the quote.  It’s a good one, no?

Bosch- Garden of Earthly Delights

To be fair, neither one of us is remotely in that situation for real, but it does suck to feel that way and I know what she means.  We’re both in loving relationships with Traveler (and me with Cleveland) and she’s had her share of interest and just a couple of males who didn’t have the right interest for what she was seeking at the time.

I tried to explain how I want a very specific kind of casual when I want casual.