It’s Complicated

It’s always complicated. Isn’t it?

What is this thing between us? How many millions of ways do we ask this? Does he like me? What does she want? What is happening here? There really aren’t enough words and there are far too many.

 

• friends with benefits
• husband
• friend
• metamours
• lovers
• vixen
• stag
• cuckold
• Dom
• ex
• boyfriend
• unicorn
• fuck buddy
• paramour
• sister wife
• beau
• fiance
• significant other
• bull
• cuckquean
• partner
• primary
• side chick
• play partner
• protector
• swing circle
• knight
• special friend
• anchor
• secondary
• great love
• main squeeze
• baby daddy
• sugar daddy
• Dom Daddy
• baby mama
• boytoy
• little
• my little secret
• beard

Just scratching the surface really.

 

 

Starting the NEW blog

 

Some years ago we started asking ourselves questions. Does monogamy actually work for us? What does it mean if we want to touch other people? Have sex with other people? Have relationships or even love for more than one person?  Would having an orgasm with someone somehow erase what I have with this other person? Would it really?

Could I have sex with others?  Could people I care about have sex with others and we’d still be us?  What if I loved more than one person? At the time I was married, and swinging appealed to me. I had wanted to be a swinger pretty much since I’d learned about what it was. My husband at the time and I discussed it. He was interested at first, but quickly realized he would rather have relationships with others, and we learned about and became poly. And well.. I’m not going to lie. For a lot of reasons, not all of them polyamory, my marriage exploded.

But I was here and I was still poly. I had the capacity and interest in relationships with more than one person at a time. And over the years I had these polyamorous relationships. The most people I was ever dating at once was four, and I do not recommend it. It’s exhausting and basically I was always disappointing somebody.

I read and read and blogged and blogged and lived and talked and tried, and found that hierarchies weren’t for me. I didn’t like primaries and secondaries and never did. Even my husband and I when we first opened up felt that this wouldn’t work for us.  This doesn’t mean that my existing relationships and long term loves don’t have priority with me or that they don’t matter. I am very into honoring commitments and the investment of love and time and experience.  But I liked anyone I dated to be a whole person and to not be arbitrarily forever limited, no matter what, because someone met someone first. This is long and hard to explain. We’ll come back to it.

So.. I’ve been polyamorous for 5 years. And over the years I’ve had occasion to explore, my sexuality, life and all kinds of things. I’ve discovered I’m still interested in swinging and joined a club. I’ve also discovered I’m kinky, and explored that a little bit too. And over time I just kinda discovered that I didnt’ need and didn’t fit super neatly into any tiny box.

Like most humans, I’m complicated. I’m guessing so are you.

So finding myself at need to create a new blog for a variety of reasons I thought about the next chapter. What did I want to write? It wasn’t going to be just a blog on polyamory. And it wasn’t a blog just on swinging. Or a blog even just on dating.

Love, Sex and Relationships have always interested me and are fodder for an infinite stream of thought. It’s also a stream for profound connection and I’ve made so many friends here on this journey of ethical non-monogamy, of honest open relating. And it occurred to me this new little blog could be something else.

I could have blogs on all of these open sex and love and relationships, and could invite a friend to contribute here and there too. We could have interviews and podcasts and links. In non-monogamy, in so many ways we are all defining for ourselves what any of these words and labels mean, and how they fit us, if at all.  And we’re the architects of the connections we are creating. And that’s beautiful but it’s scary and difficult too. And I learn a lot from my friends, and hope you do too.

There’s a weird thing that happens when we start asking ourselves all of these questions. We find and create the love and sex and relationships we crave, and we walk off of the path that doing things the way we were told to creates.  I have found the blogger community so informative and supportive. Starting this new broader blog, I hope that continues.

However you got here and whatever brings you, welcome. I hope to hear from you in comments or emails or on facebook or twitter or any of the other places.

I’m so excited at this next chapter. Here’s to open love and sex and relationships. Here’s to new blogs.

– Thanks for reading!

Holly

It's is the Point

Boss and I hit the “Bondage is the Point” party at the center.  This includes frank talk of sex and kink.  😉

First.. a tiny aside.. happy happy sigh.  Traveler had a little unexpected free time tonight and asked if I’d like to do dinner and WoW.  Yes please.  It was a quiet little night and I loved it.  I always love it.  I said to Quinky Girl the other day (and sounded like a greeting card) that the most precious thing we give each other is time.  I revel in it.  I’m so grateful.  I’m so fucking happy.  I could not be more grateful.  Seriously.  Getting to see more of Cleveland, and more of Traveler and having a sexy sexy date with Boss!?!?  I’m just gushing over here.  Gushing.  See what I did there?

I just got home from Traveler’s and I’m sated and languid.  We talked and laughed over dinner at our favourite place, played our game, snuggled and called it a night and I couldn’t be happier if we’d had the most epic date ever.  I just love being with him.  I loved working in his yard this past weekend and talking while we did dishes and made dinner.  I loved holding him and sleeping tangled in a ball.  I loved playing WoW.  I loved being overcome with passion.  I love everything we do.  Okay.. okay.. enough of that.  I’m sorry.  I’m just so fucking happy.  I’m reluctant to repeat this gushiness here with Cleveland, but it is there too.  I fall deeper deeper deeper….

Now, on to the promised kinky fun.  🙂

Boss and I had missed seeing each other on a couple of occasions and I’d been looking forward to our date.  The party that night was the “Bondage is the Point” party.  The description said “no impact” and talked about bondage kinda being the point.  Neither Boss nor I are super bondage people (though as it turns out he is actually very good at it).  You gotta love that he’s that good at his weak point.  

Looking Forward

I have done a fair bit of thinking about the idea of policing what I write… and you know… the problem with if it’s done not in moderation is that is that then this becomes a completely useless blog.  It’s not an outlet for me, and the people who do get something out of it get nothing and even then I could likely say some innocuous thing that will upset SOMEONE.  Someone won’t like to read about kink or someone will think it bad of me to talk about sex or think the idea of multiple relationships in the first place is offensive.  I CAN’T please everyone, even if I try.  I can work to be considerate and to learn, but I’m not sure that writing so that I never offend anyone is a good goal.

I can of course try to be careful not to communicate by blog.  I can talk to people the are affected before anything goes in here.  I can avoid details sharing info that isn’t mine to share.  I can talk about me and my life.  I can ask permission to talk about people.  I can give warnings at the beginning of potentially upsetting posts to people who would like not to read certain things and I’m willing to be careful not to write too much about some topics.  I totally can police myself, but I think I also need to do that in moderation or what’s the fucking point?  Why would I write a blog at all?  I can be careful, but to a certain degree it’s impossible to write anything remotely useful and at the same time say anything.

So here goes.  I’m gonna talk about sexy plans and gush on a little in happiness.  Be advised.

Sleep Over

Some frank talk of sex.. just letting you know.  🙂

I had my first sleepover with Boss this weekend.  It was his first sleep over in a long time and my first with a new partner in a long time and our first together.  I think we were both really nervous and hoping certain things didn’t happen and excited that others could.  When he raised the idea at first I said I didn’t think it was a good idea and then I changed my mind.  And then I changed it back, and changed it again.

http://www.westernwhips.com/images/australian-whip-wsgn.jpg

In the end, I talked to him about it and we seemed cool.  He wasn’t suggesting staying over as some big step or proclimation of love.  When I said it was “too relationshippy” to sleep with someone he said “Well, only if we actually sleep though, right?”.  He was kidding, but the humour helped.  We set up the overnight.  He brought stuff and made a very delicious dinner and we chatted comfortably and enjoyed some time before our party. In his typical straight-forward way (that I totally enjoy), he said “I think we should relax with some good sex before the party”.

I had to laugh at that.  We had plans to go to a kinky sex party and he wanted to have sex beforehand.  Huzzah!  We laughed and talked and made my blog picture, and settled in my room.  We kissed and teased a bit before he turned me over gruffly and spanked my ass. Yay!  I got deeply into sucking his cock, to lovely lovely effect, and was left ridiculously excited and he helped me out.  🙂 Heh.

Magic

tea light candles glowing from: http://thepalmbeachcandlecompany.com/images/candle1.jpg

We missed our kink class, so this one has some frank sex..  Just letting you know.  🙂

A bunch of us planned to hit a kinky technique class at the local club last night, but it was cancelled due to the instructor being sick.  It happens.  So Traveler and I kissed our loves and friends goodnight and pondered what to do.  We were all gussied up.  We thought maybe we’d start out with cocktails and dessert since we’d wolfed down some tacos thinking we had to hurry to class.  After some talk we decided we’d grab some port and chocolate and have our little evening at my house.  I admitted I was a little disappointed that the kinky fun wouldn’t be happening and Traveler reminded me that we could have kinky fun all on our own.  Hilariously we’d just discussed who might cuff whom when Quinky Girl suggested in her text that maybe one of us could tie the other up.  Oh great minds!  Huzzah!

Zappy!

Boss and I hit the Myself! party at the kink club again this past weekend.  If it’s not obvious, this one is gonna have some explicit sex.  😉 The Myself! party is a masturbation friendly sex and bdsm party.  Pretty much anything the club allows is allowed, and all the areas are open for watching and playing.  So, we marked another introduction off of my bucket list.  Earlier that night I was thinking “why did I schedule a date for the night after I moved!?!?!”.  I was exhausted.  I’d spent all of Saturday moving and unpacking until about 9pm.  Then I’d spent all of Sunday unpacking and getting some items from my ex-husband’s house.  Everything was sore.  Even my fingers hurt.  I wanted to cancel because I could not imagine having the energy to be sexy, but I decided to go, knowing I’d have a great time if I went. Funny how some sexy energy can make you rally.  😀

Podcast 13 – Get Quinky!

On the podcast, this episode 13, we “Get Quinky”!  We interview and out Traveler’s other partner as the sexy poly blogger girl, Quinky Girl of blogspot.  Download it or stream it on your computer, tablet, or phone for free.  Listen to it here.

We talk about polyamory, PTSD, kink, metamours, open marriage, long term poly, polyaffective relationships, courtly love, jealousy, insecurity and more.  🙂

And Quinky’s blog is here.

Books We Talked About:

The Polyamorists Next Door: Inside Multiple-Partner Relationships and Families by Elisabeth Sheff

The Erotic Mind: Unlocking the Inner Sources of Passion and Fulfillment by Jack Morin

He Went There With Me

**Hey there reader.  This one is about a wonderful date and includes some descriptive talk of a date and sex with Traveler.  Just helping you make informed decisions.  M’kay?**

Traveler and I had a date last night.  It was to be our only date in a three week period because of traveling schedules not aligning.  Damn you December.  I’ve been missing him something fierce.  It was really hard to be in Chicago and come home knowing we were kinda slapping hands midair as I flew home and he flew out.  I found myself pining for him.  Traveler’s wife was a total fucking gem and invited me over before she and I were to go out to have yummy dinner together and give me a chance to kiss Traveler really quick when he got home and before he went on his date with Peaches Friday night.  I got to see him and get a few hugs and kisses and we sent him off.  She and I had the loveliest evening as we ate her delicious stuffed squash and hit this magical cocktail bar in Capitol Hill.  There’s something fucking awesome about dishing with your gals.

So with Traveler, it was hard to wait till he got here for our date on Sunday.  I had the house completely to myself for the evening, a lovely rarity.  He had to take care of some things at home and I was itching for him to get here.  I greeted him at the door all gussied up in thigh-highs, garters, fuck me pumps, a verrrrrrry short school-girl skirt, an unbuttoned sweater, and lacy unmentionables.  He was very appreciative.  I kissed and hugged and squeezed him so tight and he ran to shower quickly.  I poured the wine and met him with candles and music and pet his warm fresh skin.  We lay on the bed together and caught up a little.  I gave him a heads up about the bruises he would find.  He seemed amused and happy for me, and asked me to tell him about it, so I did.  He smiled and laughed with me, with my embarrassment and joy, as I told him about my night with Boss.  When I was done, he kissed me deeply as he teased me, with me still clothed in my little outfit.  I asked him if he was trying to make me cum because he had me so close, and he said naughtily “maybe…”.  I came a few times before I could even get my outfit off.  I don’t know what got into him!

We put down a towel, because it was clear he’d make me make a mess.  Um.  Yes please.  He proceeded teasing and tantalizing me, touching me and playing and exploring with me in all the ways he knows I love, from the sweet to the intense, and I came and came and came, surprised at him.  I asked him, between his ministrations, what had gotten into him and he said “this is what you hoped for with that outfit, isn’t it?”.  Well, no.  I’d just hoped for some yummy passionate sex.  I hadn’t dreamed he’d play me like a fiddle!  I told him I’d wear ANYTHING HE WANTS.  I was already a puddle of sweat and flood and tingling nerves when he finally fucked me, so deep and lingering and so well.  I was jelly by the time we finished.  My nerves were singing too loudly to work well together any more.  We held each other and shook and kissed for a while.

Our starvation took over after a while and I made him dinner and we talked about all kinds of things.  It was a good conversation, clearing the air.

And then the most miraculous thing happened.  We were washing dishes and kibitzing.  He said he thought Boss had been to his OKCupid and I showed him Boss’s pic.  (They are both straight.  I am assuming this is curiosity).  He asked about Boss’s “situation” and I told him the layout as I knew it of Boss’s relationships.  I mentioned that the members of Boss’s house have their own rooms but tend to stay with each other, and he said he’d like that.  I held my breath as he explained that if he had the money he thought it’d be nice if he and the people he lived with could each have their own rooms, and then have a room that is just for the people in the house.. kind of a sacred space.  He talked about his thoughts for that room.  There was something about him talking about “the people” he’d live with that touched me.  Currently he lives only with his wife.  He has mentioned in the past that they’ve talked about the possibility of cohabitation with others, and he and I have talked about things like the realm of possibility for our relationship, but he was talking about what he’d like with the people he was going to live with and talking about the thoughts he had about how they’d do it.  It sounded like something that would happen, even if the details were still totally open.  I said “Don’t be scared, but it makes me really happy that you are talking about this”.

He smiled and kept washing.  He said it was obviously something he thinks about with me, living together and being a family.  He said he thought it made sense for us to live together not just for romantic reasons, though of course there are lots of those.  He told me a few.  He said, “you know there are good practical reasons for us to live together too, and to be a family”, and he told me some of those too.  I must have looked like kid on Christmas morning.  I was overjoyed.

I don’t want to get married again, but I would like to be a family, when I’ve had more time to heal, to have the people that I care about and that care about me together in some way.  Traveler’s wife and I have talked about our tribe and our people.  It was just so nice to hear Traveler talking about our little family too, and that he included me in it.  We were talking about things that are far away and we weren’t making any decisions or plans, obviously, but it was  such a heartening thing to hear my sweet man talking in a concrete way about these things with me.  I had been grasping my dishtowel, listening, and went to him and hugged him hard from behind.

We weren’t making promises or saying how it would look, but we were saying openly that we wanted it.  It wasn’t abstract.  He was talking about me and I was talking about him and we were acknowledging the family we are making and talking about little dreams we might have about it.  He was braver or bolder than I am and I’m really grateful.  I like the idea of some day.  I love that he went there.

I’m getting to see him Tuesday too after a work thing.  It won’t be a big old date, and will likely be 20 mins of snuggling followed by sleeping in his arms, but I WILL TAKE IT.  Happy.  Just happy.

Black and Blue

**I thought this posted yesterday, but it actually saved as a draft, so today will be a two-fer.  Just a heads up too.. skip if graphic talk of sex and kink with Boss would be unwelcome.  Thanks!**

First a few little housekeeping details… I saw Rollergirl last night for the Roller Derby meet and we had a nice visit.  She and my ex Hubby have broken up.  I knew this was coming.  They have both told me they wanted to break up with the other for weeks now.  They like and care about each other and there were lots of good things, but there was lots of bad too on both sides and their being together was just really unhealthy.  They had reasons that were more about now and reasons that were more about incompatibility, but I still think it was hard.  I thought it would take longer than it did. I feel the tiniest bit vindicated somehow, but I really do feel bad for both of them.  I think it’s healthy and they both seem to think it’s healthy too that they broke up, but endings aren’t fun and despite it all I still love them and therefore don’t wish them to be unhappy.  Hubby and I divorcing, RollerGirl and I broken up, and Hubby and Rollergirl finally breaking up with each other is a sucky end.   It is what it is.  I hope some day he’ll be better.  I hope RollerGirl and I are too.  There are lots of good things I miss about him as a person, and it’d be nice to be friends.  You never know.  Someday…

But on to better things.  I went to the black and blue party last night with Boss.  It was a bunch of firsts for me.

I’ve never been to the black and blue party, though I have wanted to go.  I love impact play.  By impact play I mean being spanked and flogged and hit with things.  We met beforehand at this amazing little neighborhood place called Essex.  They have ridiculously good drinks and make a bunch of stuff there themselves.  So after a quick drink and some delicious cauliflower toasts we hit the club.

When we arrived people were already playing and there was some nice grindy blues on the sound system.  We greeted friends and got situated in the center of the play space.  I was excited and nervous.  I’ve been to a lot of events and had a few dabblings, but this was my first time playing playing with Boss and my first time really playing at the club.  Boss opened his bag and explored things with me, and it was my first time with some of that stuff too.

He had a few single tale whips, which excited and scared me.  I like the idea of some delicious pain, but I didn’t know if I was ready for straight up whipping.. turns out I needn’t have worried.  He had canes and a loop fabric thing with a handle and metal shot filling, and paint stir-sticks and gags.  He had me ask for what I wanted, which I was slightly ready for since he’d told me he would.  I wanted all of it, except maybe the gags, and I managed to pick a few things.  It’s uncomfortable to ask for what I want.  I have this especially with kink, where I feel like I’m asking him to do a lot of work to please me and I’m not totally clear that it’s not a selfish wish of mine.  I have the same difficulty asking people to eat my pussy or give me a back rub or whatever.  I don’t want to ask him to do something he doesn’t want to do.

We got set up and he said “take off whatever you are comfortable taking off”.  Oh man.  I asked him to kiss me.  He did.. a little… and said I’d get more when I took more off.  Oi Vey.  I took off my pants.. kiss kiss.  I took off my shirt.. kiss kiss kiss.  And he pulled me to him and kissed me deeply and pushed himself against me as he unhooked and removed my bra.  Sizzle. 

We began to play, so slowly and lightly at first.  We kissed here and there and had intense eye contact as he lightly cropped me.. here and there.. dancing on my skin.. warming.  We started with me facing him, facing out into the room, and I was very cognizant of the people watching and of my nakedness at first.  It was a delicious fear.  It excited me to be watched, to watch him, to gauge his facial expressions and briefly flick my attention to the crowd here and there until the sensations increased and I forgot they were present.  My body warmed and my skin sang and I got wetter and wetter as he teased me and tantalized me and built…so.. very… slowly.

He surprised me too in these little fits, when he pressed himself against me, kissed me, and when we let me reach and stroke his cock.  He smiled and gave me a sort of low laugh as I squeezed him, pleased.  He kept it fairly light, since it was our first time together and I’m still so new, but he left me some excellent reminders.  I’m guessing he’s working up.  It’s a good plan.

I’m a little sore, and I’m bruised fairly well on my breasts and thighs from the cane, but I like it.  It’s a little delicacy to have flashes back to last night.  His hands, him grinding against me, the thud and sting and snap, and his taste come to me in little bursts.  I like to be reminded of the lick of his whip and of grasping the bed with my white knuckles while I flooded, and the pounding grinding aching delight of the back room.  I like the smile I get thinking of making him tingle with my fingertips on his skin and of the warmth of wrapping myself around him after, not wanting to let go and not feeling like I had to.

Cleveland asked me already how last night went because he was so compersive and felt such joy at the idea of me having naughty fun.  It’s a rare treat to get to enjoy his pleasure at my pleasure.  I think I’m starting to believe he really isn’t going to be mean or spiteful or accusatory.  I’m starting to get that he really might be okay, and that if he ever isn’t, maybe he’ll talk to me about it like a human being and we’ll work it out.

I don’t know what Traveler will say about the marks.  We have a date tonight.  He surprises me all the time, but he’s usually so supportive of the exploits of me and his wife and Peaches.  A few times when I’ve had a bruise here or there he’s guessed its origin, smiled, and said something like “very nice” before he fucked me silly.  I don’t know if it’s just that he knows how I feel about him and how he rocks me and therefore he doesn’t have cause for insecurity or that he’s just so happy with what makes the women he is with happy that it doesn’t matter, or maybe even just that he’s used to how well things run so well with him and his wife, but generally I feel like he’s in my corner and he celebrates whatever my successes are.  If he shocks me and needs reassurance or love or whatever I’ll give it gladly.

Ah, but it’s time to get ready.  Time to go shower and enjoy the view of my delicious reminders.  🙂