Google Official

I’ve joked before about poly people and our love of Google Calendar.  It’s true.  I don’t think I know many poly peeps who don’t use the Google calendar.  We have managed pretty well for a couple of years now with all our own separate calendars, Quinky Girl and Traveler, and Quinky Girl’s other partner Jonah, and me, and Cleveland, and whoever else is in the murder, but it’s just become time for Quinky Girl, Traveler, and me to share our calendars to help us plan better .  Jonah (Quinky Girl’s other partner) shared his with her too, but I don’t see that one.  We kept having difficult weeks with scheduling and miscommunications and mix ups and such.  Things were lining up far worse than usual.  So, we’re communicating and sharing info to plan better.  Oh man is our calendar COLORFUL!

A slightly more simple mock up of our calendar

I’ve said before you can’t expect that you will always be able to schedule dates with “x” when “y” is on a date.  I know many new poly couples try, but this is mostly crazy-making.  You can TRY.. but you will also need to respect that sometimes it isn’t possible and be flexible and be good at entertaining yourself.  Sometimes all of your partners are busy.  And honestly, to be in any relationship a person has to be a whole person.

But.. well…making sure everyone sees everyone they love and gets the snuggles and the pets and the good times is a lot easier when people share schedules and communicate.  So.. we shared our Google Calendars, Jonah and I to Quinky Girl and Traveler and them to us.  Gulp.  I know.  It’s kinda… well.. it feels good.  I had to laugh because I couldn’t read Traveler on this and tell what he felt about it.  I asked him if he was okay with it and he said he was fairly convincingly, and it would make things easier.  He kinda laughed at all of us being so damn complicated we needed to share calendars.  Quinky Girl and I seemed amused I suppose, laughing about becoming Google Official and on the same day, within an hour of each other, getting our periods.  Now that’s synced!  We marked our calendars in blood.. muh ha ha ha ha!

Time After Time

Not surprisingly time is at a premium in multiple relationships.  There is a poly saying about it.  “Love might be limitless, but time and attention are not”.  Halleluiah and Amen.

I’ve gotten to spend more time with Traveler lately and have hopes to spend more with Cleveland.  I don’t know exactly what changed with Traveler or why he has been more available or wanting to schedule more time with me, but fuck I like it.  We’ve still had our dates, but we’ve had time for other things too.. skiing here and there, a dinner, a night at World of Warcraft, a dinner and a snuggle.  I love it.  I absolutely love it.  I can’t get enough of that man and I’m exceedingly grateful for all of it.  Of course I love our time at Murder events too, and that’s increased as well, but it’s different.  It fills another need and it’s another thing to be grateful for.  What it feels like though, between him and I, is like maybe he’s letting me just a little bit more in.  His wife told me once that it takes about 5 years to really get to know him, and I’d believe it.  I feel I’m still here in the beginning a year and a half in.  But man, is it glorious slowly being let into his world and having him in mine!

I’ve also been having two date nights a week with Cleveland.  Sadly they still aren’t overnights or weekends, but I do have hopes that this is temporary.  It doesn’t feel good to be falsely capped, but It’s enough time that we actually have time to do other things sometimes, taking walks and going to coffee or just getting out a bit here and there, enjoying trivia or whatever.  It’s nice not to feel like every second is precious and rare date time that must be spent in some datey pursuit.  We actually had our first little bicker.  He was critiquing the way I added bitters to our drinks, and then the way my television aspect is set.  I was getting nice and thoroughly annoyed at him thinking his way was the best way for everything and I snipped.  We got snippy.  Afterwards we laughed.  Bickering is kinda real.  It’s a good thing.  We aren’t so polite.

A stop watch obscured by rain

I’ve also gotten to spend some time with Quinky Girl.  We’ve been having a dinner here and there, sometimes with or without Traveler, and I love it.  She’s a busy busy woman with work and her other relationship too, and it means a lot to me that she’s made time to include me in her life here and there.  The other day she called me down to a local place to look at kitchens with her and Traveler.  I love house porn (looking at houses, planning houses, dreaming about houses and renovations).  It’s funny too how close our tastes actually are, my love of clear unique or vintage-like fancy lights not withstanding.  It’s fun to be included, as moral support or motivation.  It’s fun to get to watch them make decisions and dream.  It’s good to be loved with time and attention.The hard part of time is that it’s limited.

Little Things

Oh how I love the little things.  I’m stillllllllll sick.  It’s been 3 weeks on and off of this wretched cold.  I’m sick to death of being sick.

Today though I’m just feeling grateful.  I am grateful for family I can text and commiserate with.  I’m grateful for sweet men who act like a date with me hacking is still fun, though I have to admit that WAS surprisingly good sex for a woman who can barely breathe.  I’m grateful for sweet loves who bring me humidifiers and kisses and play WoW with me, because WoW made me not feel like I was in my f’ing apartment sick.  I’m grateful for sweet comfortable pettings and snuggles and promises to get a hot toddy with me.

I can’t wait to see my murder for my birthday and have a nice relaxing celebration.  I can’t wait to have a little Game of Thrones night or a nice drink with my loves.  I can’t wait to see most of the people I love at a table, watching belly dancing and eating great food.  Just feeling grateful and happy and hopeful, even if I do have the plague.

Oh.. and just because it’s funny… a comic from cyanide and happiness:

cyanide and happiness. A brilliant comic about fisting. I love those guys.

 

 

Plans

Last night Traveler and I had a lovely date planned.  We didn’t spend it remotely how we planned and it was totally lovely.  Cleveland and I had a similar thing happen this week.  In fact, this entire week didn’t go remotely to plan, and you know.. that’s all good.  I got to see both of my sweet men more than I usually do, and I’ve had this lovely connecty stuff with Quinky Girl, and it’s exactly what I need.

All Good Things

I feel like the universe is showering me with good.  I know that’s a weird thing to say, I mean, I’m getting divorced (signing papers today) and my roommates asked me to leave because they can’t stand living with me, and I am pretty broke, eating my savings to move and afford an apartment on my own.  But here’s the thing.. these are good things too.

It’s of course a sad thing still that my marriage ended, or that the good era of my marriage ended.  I do miss the good things about being with my ex.  I think you can miss who a person once was and what you had with them, even as you acknowledge that it is gone.  I didn’t stop loving him.  It doesn’t really work that way.  I was talking last night with a friend about relationships and (unrelated) I kept thinking that it’s sad when things change in ways we might not have set out to go, but it’s not necessarily a bad thing to change a relationship that no longer really works or is not really fulfilling.  Every relationship involves compromise but there’s a limit to that.  Holding on to relationships that aren’t right for us, even if they are with really lovely people, blocks us from the motivation to pursue and devote ourselves to things that are more fulfilling.  It keeps us from growing and it keeps us stuck.  It’s hard, but it’s good to see relationships for what they are.  (again this isn’t about my friend.. just a thought I was having)

Having my marriage end was awful and hard and painful.  If you’ve read this at all,  you know that. But it was ultimately healthy for me, I think.  It was a catalyst for change and growth.  It made me think about who I want to be and what I want to be doing, and I’m working on that.  And I feel like I’m making progress.

I’ve gotten to travel a little bit and bond more with my friends.  I’ve fallen madly in love with Quinky Girl, aka Traveler’s wife, and we’re having a polyaffective love affair.  (I like to call it courtly love).  Do you ever fall in love with your friends?   You’ll hear more about that on the podcast, when it posts, and you can read more about it at her blog post here.

I’m moving on from a living situation that caused a lot of discomfort and starting my life in my own place.  I’m dating kind, loving, sweet, intelligent, sexy, passionate, interesting men who treat me very well.  I am in love and falling madly.  The people in my life are honest with me, as far as I can tell, and none of them seems to have an overly difficult time talking to me about things honestly.  I mean, I AM still dating men, engineers and computer dudes at the moment, so you know, there’s THAT.  But I am really grateful for men that are good to me.

I’d like to date a woman, and have more of a connection with a lovely woman that included sexy times, but it’ll happen or not as it needs to and I feel no urge to chase.  My life is abundant.  You never know.  Maybe lovely Amelia will resurface.

I’m enjoying writing more again with this program my friend gave me that allows me to talk and dictate, and I’m looking forward to leaving my easel up so I can paint more regularly.  I’m loving roller derby and finally seeing improvement in my skating.  I’m getting excited to cook more and have fun learning how to make yummy relatively healthy things.  I’m thinking of taking some classes.  I’m exploring my kinks.  I’m getting things together to go back to school.  Growth for me has often been a process that starts with pain.  Pain is a great motivator.  But after the pain, action and reflection ushers in a period of joy and of loving the growth.  I don’t always like the process or the changing, but I love the results.  It’s so nice to be marveling at the good stuff right now.  It’s just so nice.

I have to add and admit to one last thing too… I have such fun sexy plans.  I’ve been talking about trying something new.  I’m talking about trying a few somethings new.  In fact, we’re talking about sexy adventures in all of my relationships.  Oh, how I love that.  I’m awash with sexual energy and musing.  I’m having the best time not really imagining anything specific, but liking the promise and planning little explorations.  I love when I’m like this.. all sensual energy and writhing excitement at my sexy plans. I can’t wait to explore.

 

 

All the Kinds of Love

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays.  I just woke up and smiled, thinking of last night.  The December drought of kisses and dates and yummy sex continues, but I can’t help feeling loved.  I had a pretty bad minute coming home, and then.. a bunch of joy.  Do you ever think about all the kinds of love in your life?

I’d finally checked my old FaceBook messages, bored on the plane and learned the my husband had taken our dog walker to San Francisco to meet his sister.  A bunch of people were asking me if Hubby was in fact polyamorous because he’d taken his new girlfriend to California and had her meet his sister.  This was news to me since he and RollerGirl had recently broken up.  Then it clicked.  Hubby has been dating our old dog walker and RollerGirl for months.  Well, kiss my grits.  He threw me away, after months of abuse because he wasn’t poly and he was angry at me for being poly and that he was going to go be monogamous with RollerGirl.  But, here he had been dating two women for at least 4 months.  Fuck me sideways. 

Bon Voyage

** I talk about more traveling, some thinky bits, and a sexy time date with Cleveland.  Just letting you know.  ;)**

I’m going to my brother’s today in Phoenix.  It’s the last of my trips for a bit, thank god.  I’ve been having a lot of fun traveling and seeing cool things, but it’s going to be nice to have December over and go back to normal.  I miss time with my honeys and metamours and friends and my regular life.

I have been brimming over with happiness just lately though.. so happy and so grateful.  Traveler’s Wife and I had a text convo that left me smiling even the next day… just about our happiness, about love and connection and friendship and all these amazing blessings.  And last night I had my little sandwich date with Cleveland.  He was out of town until the day before and I’m going out of town now, the day after.  Thus the sandwich.  Wonderful.  It was so nice to see his sweet face and talk to him about everything and nothing.  There was so much snuggling and petting and kisses and the sex was ridiculously hot.  I asked him after if it’s like that for him too.  I don’t know if our bodies are just learning each others or we’re just syncing more, but it’s been really good lately.  And the talk!  We talked and talked about all kinds of things.. and he leveled with me on something.  He finally had a twinge, just a little thing, but we were able to talk about it and I’m hoping that I’m offering reassurance.  It was nice to see such real feeling from him.  I don’t want him to get twinges, but I have to admit it was nice to be able to talk about it.

It’s been funny.. vacillating between so much joy at all kinds of happy things and feeling so much love and feeling so loved, and also frustration and uncertainty in my few small moments.  I’m trying to remember that I’m tired and it’s just a stressful time of year, and that I shouldn’t read into anything, but I find myself more uncertain in these little moments, you know?  I’m not a girl who asks “what does it mean” all the time, of every decision and statement and behavior of my loved ones. I don’t have my friends read things to decipher the hidden meaning in them.  I assume people mean the things they’ve said.  I tend to be direct and I always assume others are too.  It makes me crazy to try to read into everything and I just don’t do it much.

But in these little moments here and there I find myself tallying.  Does him blowing me off mean I’m out here alone.. in love by myself?  Does taking 2 days to answer a text when I know they see every text mean anything?  Does this sweet gesture mean anything?  Did he mean it when he said what he said?  Ugh.  I HATE being like that, so when I catch myself I actually shake my head and tell myself a few things.

Its usually something like. “Self, listen.  This is an adult relationship.  If this person is trying to tell you things they have proven to you that they will say them.  You do not need to turn into the damn Riddler asking why why why.  This is you missing them and feeling a little vulnerable and sad to be without them.  Knock it off.  Look at all of this good evidence and remember that these doubts are existing now because you are just a little off of your balance.  Look at all of the proof, gained over time, that you love and are loved. Don’t let your fear tell you things that aren’t true.  It’s okay that you’re vulnerable and that this makes you a little afraid.  You are allowed to feel this, and don’t need to beat yourself up about it.  Feel the things you feel and when you’re asking yourself why you feel them, again you will see it’s just that you miss your lover.  They miss you too.  Look at the things that show you they miss you.  Think about all the good things you have felt and said lately.  Remember that you are actually happy and sure most of the time.  There is a reason for that.  It makes sense.  Relax.”

It’s funny how quickly a good little pause and reminder work.  As soon as I understand what is happening I feel it shrink and it’s a perspective change.  I see all the beautiful things.  I feel so loved.  I feel secure and happy and cherished.  I feel lucky beyond belief.  I can’t believe I am allowed so much love, to flow through me and to me.  I feel grateful.  I think of all the support and affection and laughter and giving of self I get, and I am bowled over by my blessings.  I have friends who shower me with love.  I have loves who are kind.  What a blessing of abundance.

I think of sitting in my car nearly weeping with joy, texting back and forth with Traveler’s wife about so much happiness and I can’t help but smile.  My people are so very good to me and I love my little budding family.  I can’t tell you what that means to me.  I literally don’t have the words.

Getting It In

Time is so precious in poly relationships.  I’m traveling to Chicago to see my old friend today.  It’s one of the trips I’d hoped to make this year.  I’m traveling more and it’s part of that “making the life I crave” thing.  I’m not taking all the trips I’d hoped, but I am taking a few.  I got to see Portland finally and Victoria.  And I’m headed to Chicago and Phoenix.  It’s not totally responsible of me frankly because I’m using my savings for some of this, but my Dad left me a little money and I wanted to spend part of it doing something like this.  I know he’d like it that I used a little to see people I love and have new experiences.  He always said “get the power windows honey.  You only live once and you’ll never regret having gotten the power windows”.

Change is Good

bitrebels.com

Little things you do can make a big difference to those who love you.  I think there’s a lot of talk about how to show people you love them and there’s lots of stories of grand gestures.  I’m not against them, honestly, but it’s the little stuff that I crave and the little stuff that sustains me.  I love epic dates with deep talks and insanely large amounts of kissing and touch and amaze-balls sex and all of that.  BELIEVE ME.. I don’t turn my nose up at that kinda thing.  But a million little things adding up over time is somehow more soothing to me.  Maybe it’s that I’ve had so many grand gestures that add up to nothing or because I’ve lost really important things when the every day was forgotten, or maybe it’s just my perspective.. whatever.  But big big gestures just aren’t enough.

Old Comfortable Love

This beautiful post was shared by a Ginger at “Poly Nirvana”, and I have to share it too.  It’s achingly true.

Old Love is Not Like Comfortable Slippers by Poly Oliver, at “An Open Book”.

THAT is what I had.  THAT is what I lost.  THAT is why I took so very very long to walk away and why me, a girl who would never tolerate such things, sucked up abuse for almost a year.  I kept thinking any day that he would turn back into himself.  And he didn’t.