Grace

I was reading a blog written by a woman with cancer, the big bad kind. And I was awed by her ability to just not be okay sometimes, and to celebrate other times, bringing joy to everyone at her chemo center.  We all have these times when we are struggling, when we are sick, or lonely, or grinding out day after exhausting day of a huge work project, or grad school, or a rambunctious child. And some people seem to do it with so much grace.

I think it’s because some people can accept their dark and their light. They can be not-okay and be okay with that. I think maybe grace doesn’t come from sailing through everything unaffected and vulcan. I think maybe it’s letting the feelings come, letting them go, and the freedom in the in between spots to just enjoy the light, not shaming ourselves for what we feel and think, not apologizing again and again and again for having a time we were weak or wrong.

Difficult to Love

I have to admit that all my reading and writing has belonged to grad school, but I’m here and I’m thinking of you.  I do a lot of thinking these days.  I can’t stop thinking about this tonight.  I talked to a friend going through a break up from a terrible man, and this kept running in my head.

<p><a href=”https://vimeo.com/38766162″>Warsan Shire – &quot;For Women Who Are Difficult To Love&quot;</a> from <a href=”https://vimeo.com/movingonworks”>MovingOn</a&gt; on <a href=”https://vimeo.com”>Vimeo</a&gt;.</p>

You are a horse running alone
and he tries to tame you
compares you to an impossible highway
to a burning house
says you are blinding him
that he could never leave you
forget you
want anything but you
you dizzy him, you are unbearable
every woman before or after you
is doused in your name
you fill his mouth
his teeth ache with memory of taste
his body just a long shadow seeking yours
but you are always too intense
frightening in the way you want him
unashamed and sacrificial
he tells you that no man can live up to the one who
lives in your head
and you tried to change didn’t you?

closed your mouth more
tried to be softer
prettier
less volatile, less awake
but even when sleeping you could feel
him traveling away from you in his dreams
so what did you want to do love
split his head open?
you can’t make homes out of human beings
someone should have already told you that
and if he wants to leave
then let him leave
you are terrifying
and strange and beautiful
something not everyone knows how to love.

It doesn’t directly relate to my life right now, but I feel it. I have spent my entire life trying to be smaller and easier and simpler and less of a pain.  I can remember, one of my first memories and one of the few of my mother in early childhood, she was suddenly there and her face was evil red and she grabbed my arm and yanked me up by it.  I had been laughing at something.  I found something hysterical.  I have no memory of what it was.  Maybe it was a cartoon or a game I was playing with a doll.  I had been laughing in the sunbeam streaming in the living room window and then suddenly her red angry face was inches from mine as she yelled at me to stop it, that my laughter was too much and would I please just shut up.  And suddenly I was crying wracking silent sobs.  I felt so ashamed and I could see this was making her madder.  I knew I needed to just shut up but I was overwhelmed with tears.  She looked at me like I was a disgusting vile thing and dropped me and walked away.

Another time, playing with friends, we were playing house and I was the mama and my two friends were my kids.  They made me a drawing and brought it to me and I got so overcome in my fake mama role with the joy of their present and their love of me that I rushed to hug them and kiss them.  So charged was I with the intensity of wanting to love on my pretend children, I knocked my friend over and kissed her face over and over again until she shoved me off of her and stood up, infuriated.  “What is WRONG with you!  Jesus.  Holly.  You are too much”.  They both shot me a look and walked out of my room and out of house and away.

My best friend’s birthday party.  I excitedly watched her opening her presents and was thrilled that I had bought the most presents for her and wrapped them all individually in the years of Christmas wrapped paper and home made wrapping I’d decorated.  After a couple of presents people were looking at me funny.  What happened?  What was wrong?  Melissa got up and asked me to go talk.  “That’s so embarrassing.  Why did you do that?  Do you want people to think we are lesbians?  Damn it, Holly.  Too much.

I felt sometimes like everyone had a book about how to be that I didn’t.  I thought for a long time that my mother had left because I was so infuriating.  I thought my father was depressed so much when I was a child because I was a shitty daughter.  He told me he hadn’t been able to meet anyone because of me.  I think he meant being a single father made dating hard, but I heard “because you are defective nobody wants to be your step-mother”.

I tried to be simpler and easier and to care less about everything.  I was a disaster with the first guys I dated and I got hurt.  It happens.  I’ve learned and learned and learned and learned and it’s been HARD work.

But I know I’m still a little difficult to love.  And maybe that’s okay.  Maybe I *am* a little difficult to love, and maybe there will be people, as there have been and are people who are up to the task.  I am a lot, but sometimes people want a lot.  Maybe you are a bit much too, and maybe there are people in your life or in your future that are looking for something a bit much.

 

More

Relationships. Oi Vey.  We’re working out good things and it’s hard but good work.  So, let’s just talk about sexy adventures instead.  Except for this one thing… this one huge thing.  Traveler did it again a few times now, talked about me as one of his two partners.  He said it a couple of ways now.  Holy shit holy shit holy shit.  Happy.  I’ve literally been smiling at random times just thinking about it.  Now.. on to other stuff…

I met someone new,and I don’t wanna jinx it or read into it, so I’ll just say I’m excited.  What is it?  I dunno.  What could it be?  Not sure.  But it’s fun to have hope.

coins shine in a wishing well

As you might know, Traveler and I are entertaining sexy adventures with women.  It’s been fun to dream and wish and fun to have a little play.  We had some very nice sexy times with my friend and have some dreams about another friend who is also maybe a little interested.  She and I talked about not wanting to muck up our beautiful budding friendship and reassured each other.  I don’t know what that’ll be, but I’m hopeful.  Aside from being cool as hell she’s so fucking sexy.  And she and Traveler have mutual admiration too.  Squee!

Anticipation

Cat hoping on his back legs with his hands clasped found at: http://lisabttc.files.wordpress.com/2012/08/cat.jpg

I said something tonight at trivia that got me thinking a little.  I said I didn’t want to hope too much when it looked like we won or it wouldn’t happen.  My friend asked if I really believed my thought could change the outcome and I said I didn’t.. not really.  See, intellectually I don’t believe my mind can control things.  But it is an old old habit.  I catch myself wanting something, excited and I try not to want it too much.  I shut it down.  I have this old tape that says if you really want it it won’t happen.  And I realized I do this all the time.  I actually tell myself “don’t get too excited or you’ll mess it up”.  It’s so funny the things we tell ourselves, isn’t it?

Having said all that, I’m really getting excited for my trip with Traveler.  I can’t fucking believe it.  We’re planning a big road trip to British Columbia for.. get this.. 4 nights and 5 days.  It’s like a real vacation!  It is a real vacation!  I need to kill leave and I think he does too and what a great way to do so.  I spent a while before my date with Cleveland tonight and after looking at lodging and getting stoked at the idea of grilling with Traveler, and getting to drive with him a good long while, and going to wineries, and maybe hitting a hot spring.. and just.. whatever.  We could play axis and allies or stay in bed until 1.  We could do anything.  I’m almost giddy.  He seemed excited too, planning it with me last night.  (Don’t want it too much).  🙂

It felt like a while since I’d seen him and I guess it was a while since we’d had much time.  My last date with him was a week before and we’d met right before our weekends away for a quick bite.  It was a precious few hours after work and before we fell asleep, but it felt like a lot to reconnect and have fun planning our vacation.  We were both yawning a lot with our bellies full of tuna pasta and we blissed out on touch.  It was so nice to reconnect in all our little ways and to fall asleep sated and warm and happy.  I love our little mundane weeknights too.  It’s funny how long it feels now when I don’t see him for a week.  Time with my beautiful men has me spinning like the hills are alive with the sound of music.

 

Yours and Mine

Mythology Cassandra painting by: http://www.art-prints-on-demand.com/kunst/evelyn_de_morgan/cassandra.jpg

It’s come to my attention that I need to accept the love in my life.  I had life experiences that led me to believe that there is a lot of danger in wanting and loving and trusting and believing.  I have little experience that says this is a good idea.  And it’s time I decided to jump anyway.  I can’t keep living so that I am always prepared to the inevitable fall because it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy, but more importantly because living life in fear is no way to live.

I’m going to exaggerate this to make my point.  When some kind of disappointment happens I jump to feeling stupid.  I jump to tell myself “well.. there it is.  You are a big dummy to fall in love like this.. see… see.. here is the proof of some terrible thing.  You are dumb.  He doesn’t love you.  She will walk away like everyone else.  You are a fool.”  Obviously it’s not this obvious, because I’d never tolerate such a thing and I’m actually kinda smart.  No.. it’s subtle.  It’s the way I interpret some action and have this tinge to my perceptions.  Time and time again I’ve have some occurrence, imagined the worst, spun, and then talked about it or got more info and felt silly because of course I know he’s not like that or she would never do that.  Why do I jump to cruel intentions and self flagellation?  I’m not a glass is half empty kind of girl.  I’m the girl seeing the silver lining in everything.  So, what’s up with the incredibly negative slant I have here sometimes?

Love is a Legacy

She said “I like to think that the love we make never really disappears”.  Yes.  That.

I answered, “sounding woo woo here.. I don’t think it does”.

She talked about the love as energy sent out into the world and you know how you just know that things are true?

I thought about this a lot, after I had had my last pregnancy and there wouldn’t be any more.  When I understood I would never have children I thought about it.  When my father died and my ex-husband and I were going through his accumulated stuff and deciding what to keep and what to shed, and when we’d packed our precious cargo of the things I’d keep from my dad, I had thought over and over about that the things I was saving, the things that were so precious to me and what would happen to them when I died.  I felt like I was preserving something of my dad and that I couldn’t do it well enough.  Some day someone will go through my things too.  My paintings and my fathers will get thrown away.  My half-finished or miraculously-someday-completed novel and the pictures of everyone I love, my precious books and my short stories and my motorcycle jacket will all be trash someone has to deal with.

match and a pile of ashes

Ambivilent

This one has really descriptive sex.. skip it if you’d rather not read that.  🙂  Thanks!

I filed my divorce papers yesterday.  After I filed I went to the nearest coffee shop, feeling like lead.  Ironically it’s the coffee shop where I met Traveler.  I sat where he stood way back then, just for a bit.  Traveler’s Wife, Quinky Girl, and I texted a bit and she said she’d meet me for a drink.  Cleveland and I had a date that night, but I took her up on it and met her at a local place.  By the time I got there I felt a lot better.  I keep vacillating.  It’s been months and months, so part of me is glad to have it wrapping up.  I’m relieved it’s finally resolving.  I’m excited about my new place and I feel like I’m finally really starting over, not just camping and sitting in shock. 

But I also feel phenomenally stupid.  I feel like a failure.  Useless.  Thrown away.  I don’t understand and I can’t understand.  I want there to be a neat reason for it and there just isn’t.  The entire time he has been lying and changing his story.

I don’t know what happened and the more I think about that the more I feel something tear.  Why was he so cruel?  How could he be with me all those years and think the things he thought and said about me?  Did he even believe them?  Was it just an excuse?  He said them to RollerGirl too later, when she became the bad Madonna and another girl the Whore.  He lied to her as much as he lied to me.  He’s lying to the dog walker too.  Lies lies lies.

Quinky Girl’s very presence was a balm.  I keep having to remember it doesn’t make sense because it doesn’t make sense.  And life is like that.  We talked about honesty and relationships before Traveler and Cleveland arrived.  When Traveler came she asked him to sit with me and give me snuggles because it’d been an eventful day.  I kissed her face for her generosity.  We had a good dinner and some laughs.  Cleveland arrived in time for happy hour tacos too.

Old Comfortable Love

This beautiful post was shared by a Ginger at “Poly Nirvana”, and I have to share it too.  It’s achingly true.

Old Love is Not Like Comfortable Slippers by Poly Oliver, at “An Open Book”.

THAT is what I had.  THAT is what I lost.  THAT is why I took so very very long to walk away and why me, a girl who would never tolerate such things, sucked up abuse for almost a year.  I kept thinking any day that he would turn back into himself.  And he didn’t. 

The Light Side

I want to talk about the light side.  I’ve written a lot of angsty dramatic drama-llama stuff lately.  Hey.. the dissolution of a 13 year relationship is a little hard.  This week especially has been difficult.  Oddly enough, the actual “we are over” part has not been as bad as I feared.  I’m actually pretty okay.  It’s been a relief.  All the pressure and misery is lifted.  I come home and people are consistent and pleasant.  Nobody hates me or yells at me or stomps around angrily.  (He just called as I was writing and ended up yelling and screaming at me.   Whatever.)

A n y w a y, the lighter stuff.

Yesterday was a tough day.  Hubby and I had talked about a list of stuff I would be taking, and he talked about “why?”.  He said he’d replaced me because I was such a slut I’d made him feel unsafe.  He’d taken away his love.  RollerGirl had been willing to make commitments to him that I hadn’t at the time and that made him feel safe.  (Namely we’d opened our marriage and agreed to date others and she’d agreed to see only him for a while.)  He said he was also realizing he wanted more kids.  He would like to raise a family with someone he loves and I cannot have children after our 3 miscarriages.  RollerGirl can have children and has a young child now that Hubby is crazy about.  It was the most tender of my tender spots.

It was kind of a sucker punch.  I’m a slut and he wants a family that I can’t give him.  At least I finally understood why.  I can’t give him a family and my sexuality made him feel unsafe.  Okay.  Time to move on.

infinitesuccesses.com

I took my tender feelers out to dinner with the girls.  We’d planned it a week and a half ago and I was glad we had.  We talked only briefly about my junk and then moved on to better things.  We laughed our asses off, talking about dating and life.  Traveler’s wife, his girlfriend Peaches and I just enjoyed the night.  We ate good food and commiserated.  We dished.  It was one of the worst days of my life and my face hurt from laughing and my muscles had the relief only a good orgasm or evening laughing can give you.

Gratitude

I am feeling like everything will work out.  I don’t mean that I will get everything that I want or that I have the foggiest damn clue of what I think things even should be right now.  I’m just saying that I feel like maybe whatever they are will just be okay. 

Hubby and I are still doing our crazy dance but for today things are calm.  Today he might come have lunch with me at work.  I’m going to work-out after work and have yummy sushi.  Hubby and I might make it and work and stay married forever.  We might break up soon or we might make it a while and break up at some time in the future on some thing I can’t even imagine.  One of us might die.  Nothing is certain and I have no more answers today than I have had for a while.  I’m sitting here in this place and it’s hard, but I don’t have any answers yet.  I just don’t.  I keep thinking will we and won’t we and guessing guessing guessing.  I just don’t know, but for today I’m okay with not knowing.  Today I am in the moment and letting it be what it is.  I will continue to try to spend time with him, and go to counseling, and work on it, and try to work it out.  I will continue to prepare to be okay if we don’t work it out.

Some of the apartments I can afford are by Traveler, so he took me on a tour of his area last night and we looked at some of the buildings from the outside.  There are some really…errrr choices and a few nicely cared for places too.  I can actually afford to live somewhere safe and nice and okay.  I probably won’t have a dishwasher and may have a 70’s kitchen.  It may be small, and it may be a clean and well cared for older building, but it will be okay.  I will be okay. 

Great Date is turning a really healthy corner too and thinking of things like balance and building a more full and good life for himself.  This can be nothing but good.  I love him and I love seeing him take such positive steps.  He is even going somewhere tonight.. no promises.. to find a potential other source of support for himself and the things he needs to work on.  I’m excited but staying totally out of it.  It’s totally his decision, but I won’t lie that I’m inspired and happy he’s trying new things. 

Some friendships are budding or reconnecting and I’m excited about that.  I too need to be a balanced person and I need friends and love and art and rest.  I need work and workouts, nature and support too, and a lot of that is building and proving itself here. 

I just feel.. right now.. today.. right. 

I feel like I will be okay.  The paths may be harder but have benefits too.  There aren’t really any easy paths and that’s okay.  I don’t mind working and I will be okay to weather some trials because I have before and will again.  Right now I am clear. 

I really will be okay. 

I am grateful for love and friendship and laughter.  I’m thankful for the work that has come before that has shown me how to do this.  I’m grateful for a clear mind today and for good perspective.  I’m grateful for the lovely sun and for the freedom of choice.  I’m lucky I have options at all and I’m grateful whatever happens I will ultimately be just fine.  I’m just grateful today.