Adieu

Traveler is about to travel a lot again for a while.  Dammit.  Over the next few months he’s gone during the week more than he is home.  Eh.  It is what it is.  I used to be a Navy wife.  It’s been a while but I got this.

Having said all of that… I’m spoiled.  I’m used to seeing him a few nights a week. So I’m soaking it all up now.  And this coming weekend we are off to a ski vacation together.  It’s 4 days and one really sweet mountain, a condo with a private hot-tub on a river, a snuggly fireplace, walking distance to cocktails and a well stocked kitchen to cook in together.  AND, I’m finally meeting a sexy blogger friend.  I’m not gonna lie people.  I have no expectations and no assumptions, but I have hope.

A backlit couple kiss underwater in the deep

I. am. stoked.

And Traveler sent himself off this week with a date to tide me over.

47 Things

Ever notice in poly you get to feel 47 things at once? 

I just got back from a wonderful vacation with Traveler.  It was relaxing and fun and beautiful.  I walked through the door and started unpacking and planning to walk down the street fair by my house.  Traveler and I plan to play WoW and maybe have a bite later and walking around sounds like a fun way to stretch my driving muscles.  Quinky Girl is outta town until tomorrow, and we got back a day earlier than her.  Poor man, Traveler has some more work stuff to do, but we’ll see how it goes and at least play WoW later.  I love it.  I love that even after all that time together we still want to see each other.  It makes me feel so fucking loved.  

So, checking in with everyone I have a brief chat with Cleveland and learn that he’s going to have bagels with his wife in the morning and can’t come have breakfast with me on his way out of town.  He can however pop by for a quick hug and kiss before his 2 week trip away.  He said he could do sexy stuff too if I like, and the only response I could muster was “heh”.  A week apart with no cell connectivity and almost no contact and seeing him before 2 more weeks apart also likely with little to no cell or other contact, and the plan had to change.  <facepalm>  I’m just not ready to feel or deal with that one.  I just want to enjoy my trip just a little bit longer, so I’m tabling my reaction to that.  And what good would it do anyway?  

Back to the good stuff.

Back to feeling wonderful.  Back to feeling relaxed and happy and loved.  Back to talk of the future and talk about the little scary things, and talk about everything else.  Back to the sweet time together.  Back to 800 miles of companionship and delicious dinners on the patio.  Back to sleeping wrapped like spider monkeys most of the time.  Back to kisses and hugs and snuggles and affection and passionate expressions that leave me breathless.  One situation in life will NEVER replace the other here in matters of the heart, but just for tonight, just for now, I’m going to concentrate on the good stuff in my life and maybe table the things that hurt.  Right this moment, right here and now, I’m deciding to feel just some of my 47 things.  I just want to keep feeling happy.  

Vacation… ahhhh.

Traveler and I are enjoying the Okanagan Valley pretty damn well indeed.  Isn’t it fun how time spools out in a vacation?  It’s never as long as it seemed it would be and it’s so lovely whiling away the hours relaxing and talking and eating and drinking good things, taking time and making time and just being.  

We found a vacation rental that is private, lovely, and perfectly suited.  It’s a carriage house overlooking a lake.  We are enjoying the grill and deck immensely.  It’s in a town called Kaleden, on the Skaha lake in Okanagan Valley British Columbia.  And it’s heavenly.  The mountains all around reflect the sun on the green rolling hills and vineyards leading down to the center lake, and everywhere are tiny little wineries and little mom and pop places.  I think I’m a little more into some of our wines than he is though.  But then, he knows a thing or two about wine.  I just like the yummy ones.

A picture in the Cascade Mountains, showing the shockingly green water

We woke up and had a leisurely breakfast of brioche french toast and pineapple and lazed about a good bit.  Traveler’s work unfortunately is intruding with something that shouldn’t be a crisis but leaves him no choice.. being annoying without really being actually urgent, but what are you going to do?  So tonight he’s snuggled into one loveseat and I’m in the other, he to work on work and me to blog.  He’ll need to spend a few hours tomorrow on it too, which is a slight bummer, but at least it’s not worse.  I’ll be glad when he’s done.  It’s been weighing on him and it’ll be nice when he can relax and have it behind him.

The time is drizzling from my fingers and going too fast.  Even this moment I’m trying to remember to take note.  I’m looking at him a little here and there, loving the shared time of separate togetherness.  It’s a thing I miss sometimes in polyamory, where time is so precious that it’s rare to have this “nothing” time together.  It’s precious stuff.. this evening computer time and laundry and errands and planning and doing the little business of life.  I’ve been enjoying more of it lately with Traveler and even some here and there with Quinky Girl, and I have to tell you, I’m a fan.

A delicious Okanagan wine, Haywire Syrah

I love that this is a real vacation, a trip long enough to have touring and fun and delicious passionate sex and hours of snuggles and naps, and dishes and grilling and watching a family of deer and trying again and again to video chat with Quinky Girl on her trip back east and just.. everything.  I don’t think I could ever stop wanting to hold him and pet him and kiss him.  I love listening to him talk about this work thing, hearing some of his philosophy on the ridiculous practice of evaluations.  I love our fits-and-starts game of Axis and Allies.  I love the delicious meals we are making together and his hands on my hips as I cut broccoli or him reading things off the net to me while I’m sautéing.  I like taking my time and washing every inch of him in the shower, exchanging smiles and wet kisses.  I am so content sitting here together.  Vacation.  Ahhhh.

Good Idea

Frank talk of me talking about and having sex.  Skip this one if you’d rather not read that. 😉

“I’m pretty tired”.  Yawn. “Man I got up early”. 

Sigh.  Snuggle.

“Oh.  Did I ruin your plans for tonight?”  Squeeze.

“Yes.  I thought of you all night.  But that’s okay.  I can still hold you, and get wrapped up with you, and you know I like any excuse to hold you.”  Snuggles in.

Contented petting and happy sighs for a while.  Settling in and just loving it.  Light conversation and then…

“Hey.  This isn’t a ploy to get you to fuck me.  I swear.  But do you think it’d be okay if I sucked  your cock?  No sex.  I just.. I like to suck your cock and I usually try to make you not come so I can fuck you, and then I don’t get to like.. do all the stuff I want to do to you, and well.. we’re not fucking and I’m totally happy with that, and the thought crossed my mind it’s kinda a golden opportunity, you know?  I could just enjoy sucking your cock.  And that made me just really want to.  I.. I just.. I would really like it.  Do you think it’d be okay if I just sucked your cock and that’s it?”

“Um.  Well.  I wouldn’t mind that for sure.  But what if it made me really want to fuck you?”

Laughs.  “Well, I would not say ‘no’.  But honestly… It would really make me happy to taste you right now.  I think it’d be hot to taste you and to make you come.”

Pause.

“Okay.  I think you should fuck me.  Now. I need to fuck you right now.”

…

Oh how I love a good idea.  🙂

 

Plans

Last night Traveler and I had a lovely date planned.  We didn’t spend it remotely how we planned and it was totally lovely.  Cleveland and I had a similar thing happen this week.  In fact, this entire week didn’t go remotely to plan, and you know.. that’s all good.  I got to see both of my sweet men more than I usually do, and I’ve had this lovely connecty stuff with Quinky Girl, and it’s exactly what I need.

Getting It In

Time is so precious in poly relationships.  I’m traveling to Chicago to see my old friend today.  It’s one of the trips I’d hoped to make this year.  I’m traveling more and it’s part of that “making the life I crave” thing.  I’m not taking all the trips I’d hoped, but I am taking a few.  I got to see Portland finally and Victoria.  And I’m headed to Chicago and Phoenix.  It’s not totally responsible of me frankly because I’m using my savings for some of this, but my Dad left me a little money and I wanted to spend part of it doing something like this.  I know he’d like it that I used a little to see people I love and have new experiences.  He always said “get the power windows honey.  You only live once and you’ll never regret having gotten the power windows”.

Enjoying Myself at "Myself!", the kinky play party

Sweetnesses- If you date or love me or just don’t wanna read about sexy times with others, skip this one.  Muah!

I attended Myself! for the first time tonight with Boss, on our first ever play date.  I got nervous beforehand and did this thing I often do before a big date.  I didn’t want to go.  It’s not that I actually don’t want to go.  It’s that I get nervous.  It occurs especially when it’s a first time”sexy type” date.  I get all excited and look forward the date, and then all of a sudden it’s here and I feel like there is pressure and I don’t want to go because “What did I do? Setting an expectation for sex!?”.  I’m a weirdo.  I went and was happy to go, but on the way there I was nervous.  I’ve talked to Boss quite a bit though and I knew I actually wanted to go and that whatever happened it’d be a good time.  He seems like a genuinely good person and I’m quite sure it would have been no problem at all if I’d said I didn’t feel like having sex.  Feeling like I could say no at any time conversely made me want to have sex again.  Like I said, I’m a weirdo.

The Myself party is a masturbation-friendly party that has morphed into this really cool party with lots of things and a huge attendance. It may be one of my favorites.  It’s open to members and non-members and it’s relatively cheap, and the atmosphere is pretty hot.  There are rules in place to make people feel safe and it’s more open than most of the parties I’ve been to at the kink club.  Pretty much anything the club allows is allowed and a few things are allowed that seem unique to this party.  First, there are lots of men and lots of men masturbating.  This is not allowed at most parties.  I loved that!  It’s funny how comfortable it made me feel to have men undressed and touching themselves, watching people play.  They were just somehow… more vulnerable or not at all predatory in this way.  They were just appreciators and that was less intimidating.  I really liked it.  It made me very comfortable to be naked and to play around them with them in various stages of undress and/or masturbating.  It appealed to my exhibitionist and voyeur streaks.

Sometimes the men were invited to take part of the festivities or scenes but party-goers didn’t have to have any interaction at all if they didn’t want it.  People playing could wear arm bands that indicated if they wanted to be approached or asked and it seemed people didn’t ask much without the arm band.  There were all kinds of people.. kinky and vanilla, straight and gay and queer young and old and just.. everything.  This too was very comfortable.  There were all kinds of bodies and orientations and such.

It was pretty damn hot.   There were places in back to play and be watched or interacted with as people chose and places in the midst of the crowd on the main floor to put on a show.  There were chairs to watch different areas and room to mill about and see what struck your fancy.  There was gay and straight porn and plenty of supplies to be safe and contain messes if you made any.

Boss and I said greetings to various people and then sat off to the side for a bit.  We wandered the back room and the main floor and took in the sights and settled into conversation in our corner.  At one point I laughed that we were talking about such everyday stuff while a couple writhed naked 5 feet from us and there were people watching and fucking and masturbating and spanking all around us.  We went in back again after a bit and watched a lovely girl in bliss with a few men just touching her and Boss and I went around to the other side.  He asked if I’d like to get up into the swing.  Clothed, I did.

Travel Plans

I’m excited to have travel plans.  I am looking forward to camping with Traveler and his Wife and a trip to Portland with Cleveland.  Last weekend Traveler and I were planning a night away with a hike and an overnight somewhere, and the poor man had meetings…. all weekend… at 7 am!!!!  I’m lucky we had a date at all.  We kept it low key and it was marvelous, and we rescheduled for this weekend.  Then we put off and put off talking about the plans and I’m pretty sure we aren’t over-nighting anywhere.  I was disappointed for like 7 minutes. 

Sunny Day Snuggling by Pettyart

Taking Stock

I was paid a few very nice compliments this past weekend, and I have to say they are making me feel a lot more secure.  Of course it’s also helped that I’ve been writing (off line) about my stuff and tracing it back and having a few good realizations.  Knowing where a lot of this recent insecurity is coming from is helping, as is making a plan to mitigate it.  And well.. it didn’t hurt that I had some dates with my honeys that were maybe some of the best dates I’ve ever had.

One Year with Traveler

Today is the one year mark for Traveler and I.  One year.  Wow.

He started out as just a nice guy that offered to answer questions for me.  I needed a friend.  I got a friend, and a lot more.

I messaged him because he popped up in my matches and I was intrigued by his profile.  I didn’t know how to start a conversation, so I just said he’d popped up and I was intrigued and I wasn’t sure how to start a conversation.  He answered “I think you just did!”.  We kibitzed back and forth, and I admitted I’d liked his interests and that he read to his wife.  Something about that… a man that reads with his wife.  It sounded like a guy who appreciated intimacy and like a man who knew how to treat women.

He was flirty but nice.  He mentioned my caboose, but also wanted to know about the games I liked and how my trip to the Shakespeare festival had gone.  We chatted back and forth for a few days, sharing tidbits and interests and finally I confessed that I was actually pretty exhausted from poly drama and wondered if he’d like to be friends.  He responded that of course he’d be interested in just being friends, and that he’s been open a long time and could relate to drama stuff, and that if I’d like to talk he’d be happy to be a friend.

We chatted then on gmail, and arranged to meet and talk.  He told me about his own difficulties with open relationships and was really thoughtful and kind.  And dammit.. he was so damn cute.  I remember seeing him for the first time like it was yesterday.  He was wearing these nice pants and a purplish grayish shirt with just the collar unbuttoned.  He smiled really warmly and was so welcoming and sweet, and ridiculously cute.  I remember thinking that he was a little too cute for me and I was glad we’d decided to just be friends.  He was so open and warm and generously shared some of his own really private struggles.  I just liked him so very much.  He was intelligent and kind and sexy.  But we were just being friends.

Since it wasn’t a date, we got gyros and talked like old friends and then hit a poly meetup together, meeting my husband there. We were just friends, remember?  Anyway.. the meetup was odd and afterwards we hugged goodbye.  I sent him a message later that night or the next morning, and I thanked him for coming and for telling me such private stuff.  It had really helped.  He said, of course, “It was good to meet and talk with you.  I had fun, even if it was a little hard not to flirt with you when you looked up at me that one way you do”.  melt. 

I hadn’t picked up on him being attracted to me.  I guess I’m a little dull.  I said I hadn’t even guessed.  He said “well, you told me you needed a friend, so that’s what I was.  I was trying to be respectful and I enjoyed your company.” melt melt.

I told him I’d changed my mind and I wanted to date him.