Starting the NEW blog

 

Some years ago we started asking ourselves questions. Does monogamy actually work for us? What does it mean if we want to touch other people? Have sex with other people? Have relationships or even love for more than one person?  Would having an orgasm with someone somehow erase what I have with this other person? Would it really?

Could I have sex with others?  Could people I care about have sex with others and we’d still be us?  What if I loved more than one person? At the time I was married, and swinging appealed to me. I had wanted to be a swinger pretty much since I’d learned about what it was. My husband at the time and I discussed it. He was interested at first, but quickly realized he would rather have relationships with others, and we learned about and became poly. And well.. I’m not going to lie. For a lot of reasons, not all of them polyamory, my marriage exploded.

But I was here and I was still poly. I had the capacity and interest in relationships with more than one person at a time. And over the years I had these polyamorous relationships. The most people I was ever dating at once was four, and I do not recommend it. It’s exhausting and basically I was always disappointing somebody.

I read and read and blogged and blogged and lived and talked and tried, and found that hierarchies weren’t for me. I didn’t like primaries and secondaries and never did. Even my husband and I when we first opened up felt that this wouldn’t work for us.  This doesn’t mean that my existing relationships and long term loves don’t have priority with me or that they don’t matter. I am very into honoring commitments and the investment of love and time and experience.  But I liked anyone I dated to be a whole person and to not be arbitrarily forever limited, no matter what, because someone met someone first. This is long and hard to explain. We’ll come back to it.

So.. I’ve been polyamorous for 5 years. And over the years I’ve had occasion to explore, my sexuality, life and all kinds of things. I’ve discovered I’m still interested in swinging and joined a club. I’ve also discovered I’m kinky, and explored that a little bit too. And over time I just kinda discovered that I didnt’ need and didn’t fit super neatly into any tiny box.

Like most humans, I’m complicated. I’m guessing so are you.

So finding myself at need to create a new blog for a variety of reasons I thought about the next chapter. What did I want to write? It wasn’t going to be just a blog on polyamory. And it wasn’t a blog just on swinging. Or a blog even just on dating.

Love, Sex and Relationships have always interested me and are fodder for an infinite stream of thought. It’s also a stream for profound connection and I’ve made so many friends here on this journey of ethical non-monogamy, of honest open relating. And it occurred to me this new little blog could be something else.

I could have blogs on all of these open sex and love and relationships, and could invite a friend to contribute here and there too. We could have interviews and podcasts and links. In non-monogamy, in so many ways we are all defining for ourselves what any of these words and labels mean, and how they fit us, if at all.  And we’re the architects of the connections we are creating. And that’s beautiful but it’s scary and difficult too. And I learn a lot from my friends, and hope you do too.

There’s a weird thing that happens when we start asking ourselves all of these questions. We find and create the love and sex and relationships we crave, and we walk off of the path that doing things the way we were told to creates.  I have found the blogger community so informative and supportive. Starting this new broader blog, I hope that continues.

However you got here and whatever brings you, welcome. I hope to hear from you in comments or emails or on facebook or twitter or any of the other places.

I’m so excited at this next chapter. Here’s to open love and sex and relationships. Here’s to new blogs.

– Thanks for reading!

Holly

Sometimes Writing is Hard

It’s hard to be a kitten.

Sometimes writing is hard.  I wrote this long thing last night about laying it all out there when you meet someone, and included all this stuff and realized it could be said like this.

I met a guy on OK Cupid and after some discussion we agreed to meet and both talked a little about what we are open to.  I worried for a second that he might not like this or that about what I am open to and what I want and then remembered something.  If this guy is a good fit for me to date, he’ll be attracted to the things I am.  If who I am upsets him or whatever, well.. that’s good information.  He asked to share the email with his wife, which gave me a little pause for a second till I realized that if this guy’s wife had some issue with me or anything I am, that’s good information, and if he and his wife end up being a little too in each other’s business and I’d be dating  committee (something I would hate) that’s good information too.  And as it turns out I needn’t have worried.  He just really liked what I’d said and thought it was a nice way to say things he and his wife had discussed and wanted to share it with her rather than try to say it again in his words.  Every once in a great while I get afraid to lay it all out there.  I know there can be consequences for doing so, but if I’m hoping to find love or friendship with people who are into ME.. then being me does make a lot of sense.

There.  I just saved anyone who’d read it about a page and a half.

Heh.

And as a bonus, I just took that picture of my kitten, Nani.  It was too good and appropriate to the topic not to share.

In the End

I love spending time with Cleveland.  I love our communication and humor and affection and sex.  I love the ridiculously excellent way our chemistry works. It’s honestly rarefied stuff to me.

But.

I love him.  I love spending time with him and our little projects and podcasting and all of it.

But.

I am always spitting out my horse’s bit.  I rankle at it.  I hate my limits.  I accept them and rail against them and become resigned.  He leaves after a beautiful date, cooking together and snuggling and hot delicious sex and warm conversation and fiery passion.  He gets up and he goes home.  I long ago got used to him leaving and it honestly isn’t that bad. Sometimes I LIKE that I get to curl up in my bed by myself  and watch a little something as I drift off to sleep.

But I hate that it’s pretty much never an option for him to stay in my bed.  I hate that on our last date he was so tired and we were so warm and comfortable and comforting and he had to go.  It’s just how things are.  I hate that he had to leave my arms to go shower all traces of me away and crawl into his bed.  Every single night.  But it’s not really the overnight lack that rankles.  It is, but it isn’t.  It’s that no matter what happens.. no matter what we feel or how things are it will always be in this little box.

I’m sad for the limits.  I’m sad for everything that could be and won’t.  I’m sad for this little box.  It is what it is and I accept it for exactly what it is, and I love him.  I have a choice and I choose this.  In the end, it just makes me a little sad sometimes.

Fuzzy Landmines and Invisible Fences. Damn. Thanks Aggie and Minx.

Sometimes things are really uncomfortable to read or to hear because I really need to read or hear them.  The truth about a thing I’m not proud of makes me cringe.  This happened this week.  I’ve been doing some work on some insecurities and jealousies and judgements of my own and I came across Aggie’s post on Solopoly.net, titled “Entering an Existing Relationship.  What’s the Problem?”.  You can find that here.  It’s pretty fucking brilliant and I recommend it to any non-monogamous person. Then I heard Minx’s podcast about it at PolyamoryWeekly.net, Episode 401 “Fuzzy Landmines”.  You can find that here.

Dammit.

cute felt bombs found at http://www.kotaku.jp.

This first example.. yeah.. it hits really close to home.

EXAMPLE: Joe requires his wife Sarah to spend every weekend with him (and no other partner) as a symbol of his primary rank in her life. Joe and Sarah realize that admitting this to anyone, including potential partners, would highlight Joe’s insecurity, which would embarrass both Sarah and Joe.

So Sarah claims to be flexible about her time, but then avoids makings weekend dates with her boyfriend Sam. Rather than explain the true reason, Sarah always has an excuse ready when Sam asks or complains about this pattern. Or she tries to dismiss each instance as isolated and “not a big deal.” Such diversion cuts off opportunities for the three of them to explore options to collaboratively resolve the underlying issue of Joe’s insecurity and possessiveness.

Since Sam has a demanding weekday job, this time restriction significantly limits how his relationship with Sarah can develop. Eventually he breaks up with Sarah in angry, bitter frustration.

I’ve been here so many times this past year.  Cleveland I have been working out some of our stuff, which mostly stems from my frustration at the limits of our relationship.  We’ve talked about it now a few times, and he’s been a LOT more accessible and I’ve been pretty happy about that overall.  We’ve had more time for relating.. more dates with things like trivia and trips to Ikea and watching a show.  We’ve had time to do more than fuck and that’s really been pretty awesome.  I hated bringing up at all with him that I’d been so unhappy with our once a week dinner and a fuck.  And I didn’t want to be a pain in the ass and I wanted to be very sensitive to his situation.  I don’t want to be too demanding.  

The Lonely Polyamorist

I Have To Be Alone?

The Google Logo with lots of hearts floating around it found at: http://christofouche.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/10/Google-love.jpg

One of the surprising things (to me) about having multiple relationships is that you have to be or get good at being alone.  When people ask me stuff about poly.. well they ask about the sex.  But after they’ve exhausted that, they ask about the handling jealousy and finally about how it actually works.  It’s a lot of scheduling.  Most poly people use Google Calendar, for a couple of good reasons.  You can access it anywhere.. any computer or smart phone or whatever, and you can share calendars.  When your lives get a little entwined and you’d like to see each other’s schedules you can “share” your Google Calendar.  Some of us call this “Google Official”.  It’s just a little joke, like getting Facebook official.

Podcast 13 – Get Quinky!

On the podcast, this episode 13, we “Get Quinky”!  We interview and out Traveler’s other partner as the sexy poly blogger girl, Quinky Girl of blogspot.  Download it or stream it on your computer, tablet, or phone for free.  Listen to it here.

We talk about polyamory, PTSD, kink, metamours, open marriage, long term poly, polyaffective relationships, courtly love, jealousy, insecurity and more.  🙂

And Quinky’s blog is here.

Books We Talked About:

The Polyamorists Next Door: Inside Multiple-Partner Relationships and Families by Elisabeth Sheff

The Erotic Mind: Unlocking the Inner Sources of Passion and Fulfillment by Jack Morin

Blogging with Others.. Yay!

I recently had the honor of being asked to blog with Kitty over at Loving Without Boundaries.  She had a reader question and let me weigh in with herself and Solopoly.net.  She wrote a really nice post with the collaboration, and here it is –> Click Me!

Also, we have Peaches and Traveler’s Wife on board to do interviews for the podcast.  Look for those posts soon.  🙂

If you want us to ask something specifically please comment here with questions or send me an email at seattlepolychick@gmail.com, and we’ll try to work those in. 

They Might Come Out

Recently Cleveland told me that he’s increasingly thinking about coming out.  I have to admit I’m excited for him.  Traveler also said he’d been considering being out, and might after certain conditions are met.  This surprised me.

It’s nice to be out, and I have to admit I agree with Dan Savage’s call to come out.  Lots of bisexuals are still closeted and this does contribute to the stigma about bisexuality and the lack of percieved support.  Even more non-monogamous people are not out.  I can’t remember the figures, but I think it’s something like only 20% of bisexuals are out and I have no idea what percent of non-mono folks are out.  Much like homosexuals, most people know a bisexual or non-monogamous person or a few, and if more of them were out there would be more people who knew they knew a bisexual or a non-mono person and it’d be that much less weird.  I’ve been out about being a bisexual since I was a teenager and came out as non-monogamous in stages over the last year.

I can’t agree more that it’s important to be out if you can.  As more and more gay people came out there were more and more places and people with whom being gay was okay.  I think a lot of people talk about coming out “if it’s ever a good situation to do so”, and I think it doesn’t really work that way.  I can’t wait for the climate to change so it’s easy to come out before I come out.  We need to come out to change the climate.  Those first lesbians and gay people didn’t come out to rosy acceptance everywhere.  Someone had to start and it might as well be me… or you. 

What do you think?

I was thinking of newbie questions and got curious.

If polyamory is multiple loving relationships with the knowledge and consent of all involved members, how do you approach a potential dating prospect? How do you respect your love interest’s existing relationships? Do girlfriends/boyfriends input matter to you? Do husbands/wives?

If you like to have input or involvement on your partners prospects, do you respect other people’s partner’s input too? Would them being a married partner or a committed partner affect how you’d answer that?

Maybe it's Ok to Want

I got to the root of my possessive feeling and was able to let it go.  Good.  Then I had kind of a funny train of thought.  I felt like I had to suddenly  be shiny happy people about absolutely anything a partner wanted and that I shouldn’t have pesky needs of my own that impact them.  I realized what I was thinking and actually laughed.

I think it’s bunk to say that because I am poly and I don’t own my partners and they don’t own me, and we don’t get to dictate to each other that we can’t want or ask for things.  It might be in my head (and likely is) but sometimes I get the feeling like wanting something or needing something or asking for something is taboo if I am a GOOD poly.  I feel sometimes like I should just be ever happy compersive un-needful things.

Of course being open and loving and “good, giving and game” are awesome, but where would I get the idea that it meant I was allowed no wants or needs or requests in my relationships?  I told Traveler I wouldn’t like to share time with a fourth and that I would not be happy with less time than I currently have with him, and that had been perfectly okay.  He hadn’t wanted that either.  But either way.. even if he had felt different, I’m allowed to tell him what I want and need.  I won’t always get it but I need to at least say what it is.

I don’t want less than one day a week.  I’m sorry, but to me that feels like the minimum.  Less than that feels like it’s not a relationship but a booty call.  Ideally it’s a little more here and there.  It doesn’t all have to be date/dates.  It feels as good if those extras are time with them in social settings and polycule things and whatnot too.  To be a relationship though, I need time.  I have been getting it and it’s okay to say I would like to keep doing so.

The same goes for Cleveland and asking for things, of course.  I realized that I have been trying not to ask too much of him.  I have been trying not to ask for dates, especially on the weekend.  I’m trying to be sensitive to his wife, but I think I may be taking that too far.  She’s really supportive, for one, and I just have to kinda come to terms with the fact that the time I am asking for potentially takes time away from wives.  It’s a fact.  These men and women have agreements and understandings in their marriages, whatever they are, but they are signing on to be poly, and this does mean that their partners will have relationships and those relationships matter and deserve time too.  If they wanted to have convenient booty calls then they probably wouldn’t have been poly.  They’d just have convenient booty calls.

Both of these women are totally on board and supportive of their husbands.  And more to the point.. I need to trust my partners to know and honor their agreements and tell me if I can help them do so.  I can’t keep trying to guess and cater to the imagined feelings of other people.  For all I know Cleveland’s wife WISHES she had more weekend days with the house to herself to do as she wishes.

I want to try to schedule around what works best for everyone involved when I can, of course.  I want to be sensitive to the people that are important in the lives of the men I love.  But I also need to keep being being clear about what I want and need, and generally I am.  I need to remember that this is okay. I have to watch my desire to be so accommodating that I trade in my own happiness.

I matter too.  The people I’m dating treat me as though I matter.  I respect the role of my sweetie’s wives but I can’t assume and create a situation where I will forever and always be second no matter how long we are together or where my needs don’t matter.  NOBODY is asking that of me and it’s not necessary, helpful, or a good idea.  It’s okay to say I don’t want less time than I am getting or that I’d like a more regular shot at weekend days eventually.  I won’t get everything I ask for or everything that I want in life any more than I do in bed, but the same rules apply.  If I tell my partners what I want.. uh.. they just might DO IT!!! 

          Shrinking wall flower just doesn’t look good on me.