Starting the NEW blog

 

Some years ago we started asking ourselves questions. Does monogamy actually work for us? What does it mean if we want to touch other people? Have sex with other people? Have relationships or even love for more than one person?  Would having an orgasm with someone somehow erase what I have with this other person? Would it really?

Could I have sex with others?  Could people I care about have sex with others and we’d still be us?  What if I loved more than one person? At the time I was married, and swinging appealed to me. I had wanted to be a swinger pretty much since I’d learned about what it was. My husband at the time and I discussed it. He was interested at first, but quickly realized he would rather have relationships with others, and we learned about and became poly. And well.. I’m not going to lie. For a lot of reasons, not all of them polyamory, my marriage exploded.

But I was here and I was still poly. I had the capacity and interest in relationships with more than one person at a time. And over the years I had these polyamorous relationships. The most people I was ever dating at once was four, and I do not recommend it. It’s exhausting and basically I was always disappointing somebody.

I read and read and blogged and blogged and lived and talked and tried, and found that hierarchies weren’t for me. I didn’t like primaries and secondaries and never did. Even my husband and I when we first opened up felt that this wouldn’t work for us.  This doesn’t mean that my existing relationships and long term loves don’t have priority with me or that they don’t matter. I am very into honoring commitments and the investment of love and time and experience.  But I liked anyone I dated to be a whole person and to not be arbitrarily forever limited, no matter what, because someone met someone first. This is long and hard to explain. We’ll come back to it.

So.. I’ve been polyamorous for 5 years. And over the years I’ve had occasion to explore, my sexuality, life and all kinds of things. I’ve discovered I’m still interested in swinging and joined a club. I’ve also discovered I’m kinky, and explored that a little bit too. And over time I just kinda discovered that I didnt’ need and didn’t fit super neatly into any tiny box.

Like most humans, I’m complicated. I’m guessing so are you.

So finding myself at need to create a new blog for a variety of reasons I thought about the next chapter. What did I want to write? It wasn’t going to be just a blog on polyamory. And it wasn’t a blog just on swinging. Or a blog even just on dating.

Love, Sex and Relationships have always interested me and are fodder for an infinite stream of thought. It’s also a stream for profound connection and I’ve made so many friends here on this journey of ethical non-monogamy, of honest open relating. And it occurred to me this new little blog could be something else.

I could have blogs on all of these open sex and love and relationships, and could invite a friend to contribute here and there too. We could have interviews and podcasts and links. In non-monogamy, in so many ways we are all defining for ourselves what any of these words and labels mean, and how they fit us, if at all.  And we’re the architects of the connections we are creating. And that’s beautiful but it’s scary and difficult too. And I learn a lot from my friends, and hope you do too.

There’s a weird thing that happens when we start asking ourselves all of these questions. We find and create the love and sex and relationships we crave, and we walk off of the path that doing things the way we were told to creates.  I have found the blogger community so informative and supportive. Starting this new broader blog, I hope that continues.

However you got here and whatever brings you, welcome. I hope to hear from you in comments or emails or on facebook or twitter or any of the other places.

I’m so excited at this next chapter. Here’s to open love and sex and relationships. Here’s to new blogs.

– Thanks for reading!

Holly

Unlocked! We Took a Turn

Sweet Metamour… please skip this.  *smootch*

I am thrilled at a recent wonderful evening.  I’m thrilled because it was.. well.. really sexy and fun. I’m thrilled because I planned a scene and then went with the flow and ended up having an amazing time.  And I’m thrilled because it turns out…. I really like dominating.  

Oh there!  I knew I was a little teeny bit switchy when it came to kink.  I am sexually aggressive and good at taking charge, and I like it, but I hadn’t played much at dominating.  I’ve done oodles of sensation play and played with impact and such with Traveler, but I’ve never been really too dominant with him or any man really.  I’ve taken my pleasure, but this was the first time I dominated a man and the first time I dominated two people at once.  In kinky domination play, for the most part, I am really drawn to being submissive.  I like to please my partners more than just about anything sexually.  I love to feel wanted, sexy, and fulfilling.  I want you to smack my ass and pull my hair because it turns you on to do so.  Most of my fantasies are about ME being the slut, me being the one to submit.  I want to be used sometimes.  I like to feel slutty.  I like a little pain.  Mostly I like passion.

So this is a little new.

This is a lovely lovely turn.

Simmer

You have me on a boil.  You have my mind racing with deep dark luscious thoughts.  I want to taste your skin with my lips barely brushing you and giving you goose flesh.  I want your salt on my tongue.  I want your hair slipping in my grasp and your name on my breath.  I want to know the color of the flecks in your eyes and trace your jaw with my kisses.  I want your warmth and your scent.  I want your breath.  I want to taste all of you, every inch.

I want your every dip and valley and saddle at my fingertips and on my tongue.  I want to make you laugh with small delight and purr with my heat.  I want you to take in your breath sharply.  I want your muscles to coil to me.  I want you to relax into me, warm to my touch.  I want your thoughts to turn to a hum.  I want you to think in simple small words… yes.. oh.. please.. mmm.. yes.

I want to sync.  I want to roll with you and writhe.  I want you to have to use your arms and your cheek and your leg to slide over my skin because your hands aren’t enough.  And when you are melting, easing into my embrace, I want to sink my teeth into your flesh.  I want you to wonder if the heat you feel is your broken skin.

          I want your heart to speed.  

I want to pull your head back and I want to pause so you can feel the things I want to do to you there.  And I want you to turn over to me and to crave my will.  I want you to want to please me.  I want to make me want to make it hurt just enough to make your blood sing.  I want you to feel your body’s response and I want to make you flush and squirm and swell.  I want you to growl.  I want you to course.  I want you to hear and agree with what I don’t actually say.

Mine.

Mine.

Mine. 

Zappy!

Boss and I hit the Myself! party at the kink club again this past weekend.  If it’s not obvious, this one is gonna have some explicit sex.  😉 The Myself! party is a masturbation friendly sex and bdsm party.  Pretty much anything the club allows is allowed, and all the areas are open for watching and playing.  So, we marked another introduction off of my bucket list.  Earlier that night I was thinking “why did I schedule a date for the night after I moved!?!?!”.  I was exhausted.  I’d spent all of Saturday moving and unpacking until about 9pm.  Then I’d spent all of Sunday unpacking and getting some items from my ex-husband’s house.  Everything was sore.  Even my fingers hurt.  I wanted to cancel because I could not imagine having the energy to be sexy, but I decided to go, knowing I’d have a great time if I went. Funny how some sexy energy can make you rally.  😀

Adjustment

I’ll admit it.  I miss  HER.  We weren’t dating, but she was one of my most satisfying relationships.   Maybe 50 times this weekend I thought.. OH!  I have to tell her!!! 

I haven’t worn a dress in years and did so mostly because she encouraged me and Cleveland was actually right about the tights.  I liked wearing a dress Friday and was really glad I did.  There were members of the head office and a Senate office there and I had to give out two formal awards and talk in work groups. She would have gotten a kick out of that.  I was so stressed leading up to all of this.

And when I went to get ready to go to the club on Saturday I decided I didn’t want to wear any of my clothes and went shopping at the rack.  I bought a dress and tights.  A FREAKING DRESS.  I wore it that night.  I hadn’t worn a dress since 2002 and I wore two in two days.

I found another good cocktail.

I wanted to hear how her talk went with her friends.

I flogged a man with some other people Saturday and learned a little bit about flogging in the process.  Then I got flogged.  I needed to be excited and I was a little nervous beforehand.  When I told my club friend, she grabbed me and made out with me for about 5 minutes.  We both got a little excited.  We realized we’d “wasted” it though because the person flogging wasn’t ready and we made out again a short while later. My club friend previously told me she was only bi from the waist up, but she made a point to tell me after making out with me that she had resolved that and was now bi all over, and kissed me again. I would have loved talking to her about it. It’s fun to tell her that stuff. She’s so funny and it makes me laugh so hard.

On Sunday Cleveland and I had a lovely date and he said some things I felt so deeply reassured by.  I would have liked sharing that joy. She loves Cleveland and likes Cleveland stories. 

It sucks how fragile really precious things are sometimes and how quickly strong goes to gone. I get it, but I’m just saying I miss her.

Epic Date

I got to meet a really sexy amazing fun friend and her Hubby from Canada this past weekend.  On Friday Traveler and I got to have drinks with her and her Hubby, and on Saturday Cleveland and I had dinner and drinks with them.  Both times we found amazing places to go and it was just so much fun to meet and get to know them both a little.

wanderlustandlipstick.com

The first was called Zig Zag Cafe and it’s located by the market, off of western, down the hill from the furniture store.  They had seriously yummy food and craft cocktails and house made ginger drinks.  A-maze-ing.  Traveler’s drink smelled so damn good I had him drink some and kiss me for the flavor.

The second place was called Ocho.  It has delicious small plates and craft cocktails too, including one called dealer’s choice.  You order it with a spirit or whatever of your choice and they make something up.  I had three mocktails and was blown away by each one.  The rest of the table had a plethora of challenges for the bartenders and had it knocked out of the park each time.  Mulled ingredients, bitters, obscure liquors.. it was phenomenal!

http://ochoballard.com

Traveler was in rare form.  He asked if we might like some alone time before we were to meet my friends.  I ALWAYS want our alone time and said yes.  He got his things together and headed over.  It took him longer than expected and he disappointedly said, “I guess I fucked up my chance at our alone time before we meet everyone”.  We had about 40 minutes.  I told him I had been thinking about fucking him for an hour and I would make it happen.  I grabbed him and had to hold myself back a good deal.  I pushed him on the bed and just kinda took him.  He loved it!  I think our sex is getting better and better.  It was hot to take what I wanted from him and hot that he so obviously liked it.

I have to say too.. I’m doubting Cleveland is actually 40.  I’m still a little sore from the voracious and impassioned schtuping he gave me…. like.. HOURS and HOURS with zero chemical assistance.  He showed up a while before we were to meet my Canuks and showed me his thuddy flogger.  I should have asked him to flog me long long ago.  It’s a serious flogger and he’s very good with it!

Opening Up To Possibility

I feel a time of growth.. of openness to thinking in new ways and to embracing new things.  It’s taking all sorts of routes.  I’m making changes, big and small.

Some of these are little things, cosmetic things or adventures.  Some of them are sea changes and big rifts with my life before.

I pierced my nipples and spent a good amount of time Friday perusing pics of pierced vaginas and deciding what I wanted to get.  I have decided on a clitoral hood piercing or a triangle (whichever fits better) combined with 6 labia piercings, 3 on each side.  I looked at zillions of pics and decided that I like a symmetrical piercing layout because I think the asymmetrical layouts can look like a mess.  2 is too few and looks like horns or something and more than 4 per side looks odd to me too, like a centipede or something.  So, 4-8 seemed good and 3 on each side seems ideal.  I am getting the hood or triangle as soon as possible when I get back from polycamp.  I will let that heal up and have fun for a bit and then get all my labia piercings at once, a couple of months later.  I am doing this because I like the look and function of them.  They make sex more fun for me and my partner and dammit.. it’s my pussy, and there isn’t anyone to weigh in and tell me I can’t.  I think I am getting a updated haircut eventually too, with bangs.  These are small changes.  If I hate them I can grow them out or take them out.  Whatever.

I am also making larger changes.  I am deciding to no longer be a member of a 12 step group and to drink.  This is not a desire to get drunk.  In fact I think I should actively avoid getting drunk and should not use drugs.  It is an acknowledgement of something I’ve thought for years. 

Surprise and Yummy Plans

Hmm.. Cleveland surprised me a little.  Good times.

Yesterday Cleveland showed up to go to Trivia with me and Peaches and Traveler and his wife.  We had about 10 minutes till we had to get ready to go get Peaches’ and he totally surprised me.  I don’t know if he was less stressed or just feeling randy, but he was so close to making me blow off everyone and everything and stay home to fuck him.  He was a little of what I have been craving.

He pushed me on the bed, pulled my head back by my hair, and played with his hands on my throat.  He was forceful, powerful, and taking charge.  We made out and I was ridiculously turned on. He left a few little bruises on my breasts and my thighs.  I could not get enough.  We calmed down a little late but made it to trivia, amazingly, and I was wet all night with flashbacks to the early evening and his vicious teasing.

After Trivia, back at my place, we picked up again.  He was feeling a bit of lingering stress and we played around a bunch and I reveled in him.  We were passionate and aggressive and sweet and loving in turns.  Afterward I ran the idea of my sexy Canadian friend and her Hubby coming here to Seattle by him and asked if he’d like to meet them.  They are here next weekend.

I have no idea if anything would develop between the parties, but it could.  Canadianne and her Hubby are poly swingers, and they’re fucking cute as hell.  I figure we’ll just meet without pressure and expectation and see if anything can develop.  I’m just excited to meet them and have them meet my sweet Traveler and Cleveland in any capacity.

On the note of yummy plans, I have some.  I have to pick up a few small things, but I have some plans to play a little with an old part of my personality.  I’m not a Domme or a Top really, but I like to play with certain little things and was historically the aggressor in my sexual relationships.  I have a few things assembled and am looking forward to a date tonight with Traveler and a mini weekend with Cleveland.  I have plans to top each in their own way.  I’m upping my game.  Delicious.

Creep at the Sex Party

I went to my first event at the local kink club.  It was a midweek sex party/bdsm party that is usually separate but got smooshed together because there were so few people at the club due to it being the week all the kinksters go out to an all week bdsm camping thing.  Cool.

I met a cute foreign guy and was having a lot of fun chatting with him.  Another guy came up and was chatting too and would not leave.  He was funny though, so I suppose that was okay.  Then a girl I’d said I would meet there showed up.  I didn’t recognize her because I’d met her with clothes on and was distracted at the moment by her big pretty boobs.  We all got to talking and laughing and were having a great time for a while. 

The Kink Club

I’m going to talk about how I got kinky and how I’m exploring that now.

I’ve had a resurgence of my Dom quest.

Ever since I broke things off with Kinky boy I’ve been on and off craving exploring more in the vein we had begun.  I’ve always been kinky, even if light in the expression of it.  I’ve long loved handcuffs and ice, wax and kneeling, spanking and passion, dirty talk and manhandling.  It’s the mainstream path my proclivities took.  I read Anne Rice’s kinky books (The Beauty Series) in the early 90’s (my early teens) and have fantasized ever since.

I have had mildly kinky lovers and gotten to try some fun things, but serious “in the scene” kinky kink had eluded me, until last year when I dated Kinky boy.  That relationship was a train wreck of epic proportions but holy god… the sex.  He was seriously kinky.  He was “a huge suitcase full of things I barely know what they are” kinky.

On our first date he laid out all of his toys from his big old suitcase.  I stood there in the center of the room as he completely covered the king sized bed with things I could recognize and those I couldn’t at the time.  There was a ball gag and cuffs, a leather bondage harness, a hood, floggers, paddles, crops, and a cane.  There were gloves and lubes and a candle.  He arranged his ropes and straps and a spreader bar next to his kit of needles and supplies.  I saw a shocker and a tail with a butt plug.  I stood there, mostly naked, as he’d told me to, as he slowly and methodically covered the bed.

When he finished he led me to the bed and told me to pick what I wanted to try.  I told him I didn’t know what a lot of it was.  He explained all the different things and asked me again what I wanted to try.  I asked what he liked to do and he said he liked to do all of it and again asked me to pick.  I was shy.  I didn’t want to ask for what I wanted.  He sat down.  He got up and went to the bathroom.  I peeked in the kit with the medical stuff and the needles and touched a few things.  He came back and sat down again.  After a little bit I cleared my throat and said what I wanted.  I wanted him to use the flogger, and the needles.  I figured a person that was brand new like me would pick the things I’d already recognized… and I wanted to do something bolder from that.  I wanted to do something I was afraid of.  I liked his look when I said “needles”.

It began a four month exploration of a whole other side of my sexuality and my personality.  Independent, headstrong, feminist, determined me.. was a sub.  I loved being bruised and stinging.  I loved being spanked till I thought I couldn’t take it anymore and wincing and wriggling at his fingers so lightly touching my ass before he fucked me so hard I could not breathe.  I loved that I wanted to do anything to please him.  I loved utterly letting go sometimes, not being in charge or responsible or in control.  I loved reading all about this new world in books and websites, and looking forward all week to Friday nights and how he’d make me shake and surprise me.

There was so much about the relationship that was unhealthy and wrong for me, but I could not let go of our sex.  There was this whole new world of sex and this whole new side of me.  Everything about this was out of character.  It was hard for me to see how much I loved to give it over to him, but I came to terms with it by understanding that I was relinquishing my power.  He wasn’t taking it.  I was giving it to him.

I think I dated him about 3 months longer than I would have because I didn’t want to let go of the sex.  But he just made it impossible and I cut him loose.  And so, I’ve been hoping to find some of that dynamic again.

I’ve talked to a lot.. LOT.. L O T of dudes.  I added and deleted “kinky” from my adult friend finder and my OK Cupid accounts.  I’ve been to lots of munches.  I’ve discovered a few things.

1. A great number of dudes think kinky means “does anal”.  For the record that’s not an opener.  Also, anal is hardly kinky.
2. There are a lot of assholes masquerading as Doms.  They try to get all ordery with you the second you show up to a coffee meet and greet.  “Eat that cookie!”.  Um.. you might be a Dom, but you aren’t MY Dom.
3. Sharing some really cool kinks does not mean you are otherwise compatible.
4. Lots of guys who say they are Doms have pictures that are VERY different than what they really look like on their OKC profiles.
5. I’m not an easy sub I guess.  I don’t run all over just submitting.  I want to have crazy awesome kinky fun time sex, but I’m picky.  I want to be attracted to the person and feel like they are trustworthy.  I want them to earn it a little with how they treat me.  I also like being disease free and I want to stay that way.

I recently found Cleveland, of course, and we are having seriously fun times.   There are entire plethoras of stuff we can explore and every time we talk I find 10 more things I want to do to and with him.  He’s a lovely lovely lovely kink.  More importantly he just turns my crank.  He turns me on with his kink and his sensuality.  I love that there is so much I’d like to do with him and eventually I’ll work up the courage to say so.  I’m getting there.  I’m loving him in and out of the bedroom and I’m excited to get to some of the things we dream about.

I’d like to do the harder stuff though too.  I’d like the endorphins of needles again and I’d like to be beaten with a flogger, nicely at first, and then the thuddy pain of it.  I’d like to be taken down and I’d like to play with consentual non-consent, more ropes and more bruises and more handprints.  I’d like to play with power and breath and my edges.  I’d like to be pushed.

So… I’m trying yet another tack.  I joined the local kink club myself, instead of waiting for someone to take me there or guest me in.  I’m hitting events and doing an “all you can eat” month, where I’ll attend a bunch of events.  I’m making friends.  Maybe, just by having fun and meeting cool people and just going about my life, I’ll be around those with similar interests and maybe something can materialize.  And hey.. If not, at least I’ve made cool new friends who share my interests.  There HAS to be people out there who like the twisted shit I like that I can have attraction and chemistry with.  Right?