Sexy Times Are Lovely Learning Experiences

It’s been mostly real and hard to talk about lately.. good stuff.. just deeper and harder to say, closer to the chest. And then there is sexy adventure.  😉 Traveler and I took a vacation to Idaho for skiing and had a wonderful time. It was so bonding and so wonderful.  All the good talks and all the good meals and all the fun was had.  It was nice just to be together, marveling at the joy of just having time.  And we met our lovely smart funny sexy blogger friend.  The conversation was one of those great ones that is all over and we soon talked like old friends, excitedly sharing info and relating.  It was one of those conversations were I learned a lot of Traveler’s thoughts too on things.  And she was so very sexy, mesmerizing with her beautiful mind and sexy hourglass curves and the enticing slant of her smile. I worry a little that I pushed things maybe further than they were naturally though.  It seemed like flirting and fun were welcome and the kisses fiery and sweet and everyone consented to and seemed to enjoy everything.  Late into the night we found ourselves naked and playing, Traveler and my friend and me. and it was all good, wonderful even, beyond the orgasms and the excitement, but I worried maybe I pushed things.  I would have been happy to just have those kisses, and it was hot, all of it, the kisses and play and all the sexy times that came after, but it’s just something I’ll think of in future situations, to not push so much because I’d rather be left with no doubt and be sure that nobody ever feels pushed and that no hesitancy, however minor, is ignored.  Everyone seemed to have fun and in the morning we all checked in and were good.  In no way was the evening or all that happened a bad thing.  I just want to be sure I always learn what I can. I love what threesomes teach me about myself, about someone new, and about my partner.  I’m still processing good things.

A redheaded woman reclines in the water, from pinterest.com

Making a Life

One of the really interesting parts about getting divorced, or any other major change really is the opportunity to create you and your life over a little.  Suddenly I’m not married to this person with a Navy career determining so much of my future.  All of our plans are moot.  What do I want to be if I’m not his wife?  What am I doing with my life if I’m not part of that partnership, doing the things we decided we wanted to do?

Anything.

Part of what I determined is that I want to travel.  I want to see some stuff.  I’m starting with Spain.  The woman I was in love with that we never consummated because I was married to to Hubby and I are planning a trip to Spain.  We are looking into ways to do it on the cheap and dreaming about the places we’ll go.  I can be a woman that travels.  I want to see India and Australia, South America.  I want to experience things and go places.  I want to save up and take trips.  I can’t afford to do this much of course, but what if every 5-10 years I take a big trip?  What if a couple of times a year I take a smaller trip.. like to somewhere interesting in the US?  I’ve seen a lot, but there’s plenty I have not.

One of the other things was thinking about if I still wanted to be in my 12 step program.

Opening Up To Possibility

I feel a time of growth.. of openness to thinking in new ways and to embracing new things.  It’s taking all sorts of routes.  I’m making changes, big and small.

Some of these are little things, cosmetic things or adventures.  Some of them are sea changes and big rifts with my life before.

I pierced my nipples and spent a good amount of time Friday perusing pics of pierced vaginas and deciding what I wanted to get.  I have decided on a clitoral hood piercing or a triangle (whichever fits better) combined with 6 labia piercings, 3 on each side.  I looked at zillions of pics and decided that I like a symmetrical piercing layout because I think the asymmetrical layouts can look like a mess.  2 is too few and looks like horns or something and more than 4 per side looks odd to me too, like a centipede or something.  So, 4-8 seemed good and 3 on each side seems ideal.  I am getting the hood or triangle as soon as possible when I get back from polycamp.  I will let that heal up and have fun for a bit and then get all my labia piercings at once, a couple of months later.  I am doing this because I like the look and function of them.  They make sex more fun for me and my partner and dammit.. it’s my pussy, and there isn’t anyone to weigh in and tell me I can’t.  I think I am getting a updated haircut eventually too, with bangs.  These are small changes.  If I hate them I can grow them out or take them out.  Whatever.

I am also making larger changes.  I am deciding to no longer be a member of a 12 step group and to drink.  This is not a desire to get drunk.  In fact I think I should actively avoid getting drunk and should not use drugs.  It is an acknowledgement of something I’ve thought for years. 

Rolling in the Deep

I was up really late last night. I was playing around online and I foolishly went and looked at his blog. I know what he’s doing. I know he’s hurting and so he’s lashing out and trying to hurt me. How much clearer would he be if he wrote:

“It hurts that you left me and that my drinking and lies ruined what we had, so I’m going to rewrite our relationship and pretend that it was never really that good and I’m better off without it. I’m going to show how I don’t love you and maybe never did. I’ll tell you in texts and my blog how she is superior to you; calmer, easier, easier to talk to, less intense, and less demanding.

I’ll talk about my relief that ‘someone is finally OK with things she says she’s okay with’, negating the fact that you endlessly supported me. I’ll pretend you didn’t give me a million pep talks when women stood me up or were mean online. I’ll pretend you didn’t help me flirt or talk me up. I will pretend you didn’t want to swing with me because the idea of sharing me turned you on. I’ll pretend we didn’t fantasize together in and out of bed about the women we’d like to share. I’ll say you were always jealous instead.  I’ll tell you how much I hated supporting you and negate the fact that I always told you how beautiful and easy it was with us and how you recharged me. I know you were jealous of PolyV, so I’ll exploit that too. I’ll do this because I know this will hurt you and I want to make you feel pain”.

I won’t lie and try to pretend it doesn’t work a little. It hurts makes me think he never loved me at all. I will get over it. I listen to music and work-out and talk to loved ones and I’m better. I see the lie in his posts.  I see the lie.

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Good quote-

    “It takes two to make drama. There comes a point where you just have to ignore the other person and not let yourself feed in to their drama”.

I didn’t like a blog post but it pointed out true things.. kinda.  I’ve defended Great Date and his propensity for drama quite a bit, but I most certainly had my own drama in the last days of our relationship, so I have to own my part.

I was overly emotional and reactionary.  I was terrified of losing this thing I thought was so good.  I had a jealous time at first with PolyV.  I had a hard time dealing with others constant jealousy and insecurity.  I took on the feelings of those around me.  I became overwhelmed and didn’t handle my emotions well AT ALL.  I’m embarrassed at how effected I was and at the emotional lability I expressed. 

Clarity

Ahhh. Clarity. It’s that moment you finally let go and see the truth and it sets you free. No guilt, no recrimination, and only peace rein. You don’t have to feel guilty or wonder if you did the right thing. You are free.

Letting Go of Great Date

I went to Great Date’s house tonight to break up with him face to face. I love him.. I love him to my very core, but I had to let him go. I will not trash him here or anywhere else, and I do not hate him or wish him any ill. I love him. But I will tell as accurate a truth as I can without sharing anything I think he’d be uncomfortable with. He is now okay with his drinking being known publicly, so I will talk a little about that however. To people that actually know him I will simply say it didn’t work out, even though we love each other. I need it to be clear- Great Date is not a hopeless drunk or an asshole. He’s an intelligent, handsome, caring, loving, sensual man with a drinking problem. I have one too. I’ve been sober over 20 years, and I sobered up as a teenager.

Want

I woke up crying today.  I miss Great Date so much.  This is killing me.  I just want him.

I want to call him up and say to forget this whole stepping back thing because I can’t do it.  I want to jump in my car, un-showered and puffy-faced and drive to his house, walk in his door, and crawl in bed with him.  I just want him.

I can’t stop crying.  I can’t imagine not holding him and kissing him.  I can’t imagine not talking to him all day.  This is the cruelest, most awful thing.  I want him.  Every selfish fiber of me wants my bull back.  I want to eat Popsicles with him and watch Game of Thrones.  I want to walk with him and cuddle.  I want to hold him and hold him and hold him.  I feel like a piece of me was ripped off and I can’t stop bleeding.

I want to people watch and have our meandering conversations.  I want his smell and touch and taste.  I just want him.  I want to be with him and I don’t care what is right.

Except here’s the fucking rub.  I think that would be bad for him.  I think I am holding him back and that he needs to deal with this thing over his head or we will never be okay and never work anyway.  I can’t watch him die.  I can’t watch him do this over and over.  I can’t watch him suffer.  I love him and want him to be really and truly free and happy.  And I think that if I just go back that he won’t or can’t.  I think the best thing I could do for him right now is to be his friend.

I keep trying to find that loophole though.  I keep trying to find a way to be with him.  This is fucking killing me.  I haven’t showered and have barely slept.  I have spent the last two days crying and then feeling dead, crying and then feeling dead.  I just want him.

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Turns out he didn’t break up with me in a text.

Great Date has been one of the best relationships of my life.  He’s an amazing man and I’m lucky to have spent time with him and I love him.  Even casual readers will know how devastating this is.  If you’re shocked, don’t feel bad.  I’m shocked too.  I have never been more honest or more vulnerable or more real.  I have never enjoyed that level of acceptance and love.  This is by far one of the most painful things of my life.

I can’t and don’t want to delve too far into what happened, but I need to say something I can’t really say in life, with people who know both of us.  I don’t want to hurt his reputation or him mine.  I want to think we can be mature and kind.  I love him.  I can’t turn it off like a light.  I just love him so fucking much and I don’t want to hurt him.  It kills me to think of that, but I’m not stupid.  I know this hurts him.

Well. There you go.

Well. There you go. Great Date broke up with me in a text.

10 months of love. All of it. A text.

“I’m going to go away now. I loved you”