Coming Out Sideways

If you don’t deal with feelings they don’t come out the regular way and instead burst a hole to the side, creating a lot more wreckage.

I’ve heard people say they never get jealous and you know.. I don’t usually like to be so harsh.. but fuck you and your self righteous bullshit. I know, I know. I’ll probably get emails or messages about how “no.. I am a special and unique human being and I never get jealous. I might be insecure at times, or something far less stigmatized than jealousy, but I don’t get jealous”.

The people I have really known who say things like this tend to have a jealousy problem. It’s like people saying they hate drama. Drama creators are usually the people you hear vocally spewing about hating all these people with all this drama. They whip everyone around them into drama filled scenes and then moan about the drama, never owning that they draw it to themselves. You can’t stop being a drama llama if you think the drama is always everyone else. I know that I am the maker of most of the drama in my life, either directly or indirectly playing my part, and that’s the first stop toward unraveling drama.

Jealousy is much the same. I don’t care how evolved you are. You will feel jealous at times and if you own it, understand it and will look at it, you won’t stomp over the tender hearts of all in your midst as you passively aggressively exert your desire for control and relief from your jealousy.

We can plan out too, and think how okay things are, only to find these ugly little surprises. All of a sudden we’ll have this thought, or this fear, and that is okay if we can deal with it directly and maturely.

Most of the time I really love watching Traveler fuck a woman we are with. I love seeing his passion from another side. I love knowing how she feels. I love watching their pleasure. It’s hot. But of course I’ve had little moments. I will have more I am sure. Once when it happened I realized it was me pulling away and got back in there and helped. What is NOT okay would be bursting into tears and slamming the door as I storm out in an emotional explosion. It’s okay if later I need to curl up and ask for extra kisses or need to talk about my feelings with my partner or a friend.

In poly I see it often as people display their jealousy by getting territorial or reactive and emotional or withdrawn. Sometimes it involves a lot of insecurity, and sometimes people hide from their jealousy and say they are just a little insecure for a moment.  They do little meddling things to fuck with each other. They keep score. They try to exert control in the other relationship. They get petty. They try to make sure they are given better or best or more. They try to limit others, or sabotage even. I have seen it over and over. It’s corrosive when ignored and even more so when denied, and for what? Foolish pride?

Jealousy is not inherently bad. It can be used as a healthy signal for self-examination and a sign that there is a need to be met. I hate the bad rep jealousy gets because it isn’t all bad and it can be a really helpful and healthy reminder.

But I’m telling you… jealousy is a dirty bomb when allowed to explode. Get it out, or it’s coming out sideways.  Just sayin’

 

People Lie

Sometimes people tell themselves things.

I posted a rather stupid comment on my grown daughter’s Facebook page that implied something I honestly hadn’t meant.  I was trying to be funny and failed.  The dog walker jumped on there and called me out and said something to the effect of “shame on you.  (Ex-hubby) and (daughter) are father and daughter!”  I replied that it wasn’t her business and that I knew they were father and daughter since I helped raise my daughter since she was 7.  But I realized my comment was kinda stupid and apologized to my ex and my daughter and deleted it.

The dog walker sent a message to me saying it was her business because my daughter is her family and my ex and my daughter belong to her now.  Um. Okay.  Like they are cows.  It’s not like I think my ex is mine at all, in any shape or form.  I get that my daughter is also becoming the dog walker’s family.  This is natural.  They are in each other’s lives daily and likely care a great deal about each other.  More people loving and treating my daughter well is awesome in my book.  My daughter becoming family is awesome, but it doesn’t make her any less my family too.  And as I said here many times, I genuinely liked the dog walker.  I think she’s a good fit for The ex and she was always really nice.  I’m honestly not sure what beef she could have with me.  I never talk to her, have no dealings with her, talk to my ex (her boyfriend) hardly ever, and have never said a negative thing about her.  I’m a grown-up.  She was always amazing with my pets, and seemed like a genuinely nice person.

Image of pinocchio from stevemehta.com

So, here’s the thing that puzzled me with this.  When she sent her irate message, she started it with “your cheating is out in the open now”.  Um.. yeah.  I’d say me having sex outside my marriage is pretty fucking well documented.  I’ve been writing a blog about it for 3 years now and it has gotten over 120,000 hits and has 750 or so regular prescribers.  I am out to pretty much everyone.  My husband and I told our families we were open.  Even a few people at my work know.  It’s not a secret.  I had sex with others.

Fuzzy Landmines and Invisible Fences. Damn. Thanks Aggie and Minx.

Sometimes things are really uncomfortable to read or to hear because I really need to read or hear them.  The truth about a thing I’m not proud of makes me cringe.  This happened this week.  I’ve been doing some work on some insecurities and jealousies and judgements of my own and I came across Aggie’s post on Solopoly.net, titled “Entering an Existing Relationship.  What’s the Problem?”.  You can find that here.  It’s pretty fucking brilliant and I recommend it to any non-monogamous person. Then I heard Minx’s podcast about it at PolyamoryWeekly.net, Episode 401 “Fuzzy Landmines”.  You can find that here.

Dammit.

cute felt bombs found at http://www.kotaku.jp.

This first example.. yeah.. it hits really close to home.

EXAMPLE: Joe requires his wife Sarah to spend every weekend with him (and no other partner) as a symbol of his primary rank in her life. Joe and Sarah realize that admitting this to anyone, including potential partners, would highlight Joe’s insecurity, which would embarrass both Sarah and Joe.

So Sarah claims to be flexible about her time, but then avoids makings weekend dates with her boyfriend Sam. Rather than explain the true reason, Sarah always has an excuse ready when Sam asks or complains about this pattern. Or she tries to dismiss each instance as isolated and “not a big deal.” Such diversion cuts off opportunities for the three of them to explore options to collaboratively resolve the underlying issue of Joe’s insecurity and possessiveness.

Since Sam has a demanding weekday job, this time restriction significantly limits how his relationship with Sarah can develop. Eventually he breaks up with Sarah in angry, bitter frustration.

I’ve been here so many times this past year.  Cleveland I have been working out some of our stuff, which mostly stems from my frustration at the limits of our relationship.  We’ve talked about it now a few times, and he’s been a LOT more accessible and I’ve been pretty happy about that overall.  We’ve had more time for relating.. more dates with things like trivia and trips to Ikea and watching a show.  We’ve had time to do more than fuck and that’s really been pretty awesome.  I hated bringing up at all with him that I’d been so unhappy with our once a week dinner and a fuck.  And I didn’t want to be a pain in the ass and I wanted to be very sensitive to his situation.  I don’t want to be too demanding.  

This One's For Me

Girl laying on her bed wearing headphones by: http://37.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m0k0nznZy61qes9dro1_500.jpg

Holy typos and unfiltered writing!  This one was supposed to save as a draft and I accidentally published it.  Correcting now.  There will be two posts today.  I was holding on to this one and accidentally put it out, and I have one from this fucking amazing performance I have to tell you about today too… so well.. I’m releasing both.  ________________________________________________

Driving home today from a fun night of trivia I heard a song that made me think of someone.  Music brings back a person or a moment.  Do you do that? I do that all the time.  I walked through the door to my apartment and I thought of a song I haven’t heard in a million years.  It was my mom’s.  Well, technically it was Kenny Rogers’.  It’s this song about a woman who just keeps having faith in a man and missing him.. sleeping alone.  It’s called “She Believes in Me”.  I’ve listened to it a lot when I was missing my mother.  She loved Kenny Rogers and played that song and a bunch of Dolly Parton too.  She didn’t listen to music very much, my mother, but she loved those two.  Listening to “She Believes in Me” tonight I thought about how different I saw that song than Kenny Rogers wrote it.

Tit for Tat

Oh Please.  Lies are see-through.  You’ll pretend and say anything to “compete”, though of course it’s not a competition.  When you play that game, you always lose because love and sex and relationships aren’t a sport.  They aren’t a contest.  You don’t have to dangle carrots you think others are dangling to get the attention you crave.  And you sure as shit aren’t going to make any real converts by trying to out be what someone else is.  Be you. 

Be you.  Be who you are.  Do what you do well.  Love those you love for what they are.  Don’t pretend you want what you don’t.  Don’t use people.  Be authentic about what you want and need and what you like.  Tell people clearly and directly what you want and show them who YOU are.  Those that belong in your life will love you for that.  Stop playing games to deal when you are jealous or insecure or unhappy.  Don’t create drama and whisper darkness to hurt others because you are hurting.  Talk to people honestly about these feelings when they come up, because they do in all of us, and work on what is driving them.  Until you admit you are tweaked, you will never be free of what is chapping you.  Sigh. 

Quinky Girl Understands "Too Much"

I read this post by Quinky Girl at Blogspot.  It’s called The Mystery of Medusa.  Holy shit.  Holy Shit. 

I said to her:

“Holy shit.  Printing.  I can’t believe someone said it.  I can’t believe someone gets “too much” and all the layers of it.  I simply can’t explain too much.  I get twisted and don’t have the words and it comes out weaker and stronger than I mean it and with all the wrong emphasis.  You’re right that the particulars are different, but that the feelings are similar.  I saw my thoughts and feelings in so much of what you wrote.  It’s been a year of coming to terms with “too much” again.  I thought this was one I had licked.  I grew so much with it and at first I was exhausted to find myself here again, but I see it’s a journey with me.  I’m not in the same place, but I am on the same path or digging in the same vein or whatever.  I like the growth but I don’t always like the process.  I accept it, but it’s not comfortable.  That’s okay.  My life is not about being as comfortable as I can be.  Thank you for digging this up and posting it”.

Fugees – Killing Me Softly

I felt all flushed with fever, embarrassed by the crowd.
I felt he’d found my letters and read each one out loud.
I prayed that he would finish, but he just kept right on.

Strumming my pain with his fingers.
Singing my life with his words.
Killing me softly with his song.
Killing me softly with his song.
Telling my whole life with his words.
Killing me softly.

He sang as if he knew me in all my dark despair.
And then he looked right through me as if I wasn’t there.
But he was there, this stranger, singing clear and loud.

 

The Scab Isn't That Thick

I was talking to Peaches about slowly investing in and enjoying a new relationship, because she had a great date and is cautious.. intelligently.  I just had one of the nicest dates ever with Cleveland last night.  It was maybe the hottest sex we’ve had, but that wasn’t really the thing.  I just felt sweet.  I felt the connection there.  We were talking and laughing and I was petting his belly and we just kinda… connected.  I wrapped myself around him like a cat.  I fell for him a little while ago and I find myself tentatively starting to trust him.  It’s not a thing I’m good at.  It takes me a long long long time to really invest.  Even Great Date, who I dated for 9 months.. I loved him and wanted him, but I had only started to trust him around the time things fell apart and he actively tried to hurt me.  I trusted Hubby to my very core, but it took years to get there and in the end… I was wrong.  I’ve been taking those tentative steps with Traveler for a little while now, but it’s really just begun.  It’s okay.  Slowly investing is a good thing.

I think the men I am involved with are good men, but then I would always think that or I wouldn’t be with them.  And they may be good men who just aren’t right with me too.  That’s of course a possibility.  I’m dealing with my stuff and taking it slow.

tribune.com.pk

I find myself stumbling across landmines, not often, but every now and then.  There are these little thoughts and I kinda rub against them.  “I’m starting to really trust Traveler.  Is that a good idea?  Should I be investing here or am I seeing what I want to see?”.  “I love him and I’m falling in love with him.. and I think maybe he is too.. but is that real?”.  Most of the time I can kinda process and reason, but every now and then it sets off a landmine of stuff.. from old things and from Hubby.  It’s okay.  I spend a little time thinking about things, or writing, and maybe talk it out with a friend.  It’s to be expected, right?  I mean, my marriage just unraveled.  That does shake things up a bit.  I’m just accepting that I need to do this work and deal with this stuff.  I hate what a girl it makes me feel like though.  

This latest little one is a small snowball.  Traveler’s Wife was talking to me about how someone wasn’t in love with someone and I had this tiny passing thought that I quickly dismissed.  “Was she trying to tell me something about Traveler?  Telling me that I’m out there alone?”.  Then I thought “Wow.  Way to make it about you” and laughed it off.  People have all kinds of goofy thoughts all the time.  A day or so later in a totally unrelated train of thought I wondered “When exactly did Hubby stop loving me?  Wait.  Did he actually love me?  What if I invented the whole thing?”  That one was more thorny.  It comes up from time to time. 

And then last Saturday with Traveler and last night with Cleveland.  “Did I imagine it?  Was it there?  Did they feel what I did or did I just hope they did?  They have great loves.  Maybe to them it’s just fun…”

It presented this little nugget of insecurity and self doubt and fear of vulnerability that I get to process and deal with.  It’s a good thing for growth but it’s sometimes unlovely.  I cried for an hour today, bringing up all the little things I’ve been gathering to fear and feel bad about.  I walked and read.  I talked to a friend.  I cried because I needed to cry and I cried for about an hour.  That’s a long long long time for me but sometimes I guess you just need that.  I am apparently after-all a big old girl.  I feel better.  I think I’ll ask for some snuggles tonight.  We’ll have a nice dinner and play a game or snuggle to a movie and I’ll love him and let him love me.  Sometimes old fears and old securities come up and I’m learning that it’s less helpful to beat myself up for a moment of weakness than to just deal with it and accept that we all have weak moments.  Maybe it’s more about what we do with them.     

Showing my Ass

I’m gonna show my ass again.  Lest anyone ever thinks I’m so together (hah) I figured I’d admit to a little passing idiocy.  Today we moved Peaches.  All was totally cool.  It was a pretty easy move and she had Traveler and me and her friends, this couple.  She didn’t have a bunch of heavy furniture and her place was ready to go.  We laughed and had a generally good time the entire time we moved her out of her old place and into the new.  I was glad I could be there to help.  I know how much it sucks to move, having just done it in July, and I was glad to be part of things coming together for her.  Her new place is awesome too, which helps.

So.. what’s this about ass?

My letter to Traveler

I wrote the following letter to Traveler. I changed only the names.

“Hey honey. I am afraid this is going to be a long and woo woo one and I totally get if you don’t have time to read it, but I feel like my heart is really open and I wanted to say a couple of things to you. I know I tell you all the time and I try to show you, but I am so fucking crazy about you. I love you. I love your very soul. Wow. That’s just… I’m not deleting it, though I want to. I think I tell you all the time, but I hold something back sometimes because I don’t want to be “too much” or scare you or be weird.

I just got back from a talk with [your wife], and damn. I totally get why you talk about her wisdom and her heart. The more I get to know her the more I am in awe and I just love her. She is one of the most unique and wonderful people I have ever met. It takes a long time for people to get to know me usually, which isn’t something a lot of people get because I seem so open and easy to know. I keep this well of all my woo woo shit and my vulnerable bits kinda to myself. You of course have seen some of that and I’ve gotten a bit dramatic or vulnerable or woo woo with you, but I’m usually pretty careful too. It just kinda flowed with her tonight. She just brought it out in me. I just felt so open. Something about her I guess..

Anyway, I could not fight this urge, all the way home to think of the email I wanted to send you. I wanted to pour my heart out and tell you every damn thing I think, but I’ll just tell you a few.

I am grateful for you. I am grateful that you are the person you are. I see how hard you try to do the right thing and to be honest and just and kind. I see the strength it takes to live that way and the difficulty. I see the impossible position you are in sometimes and I’m sorry that I contributed to that. I hate those times I’ve been insecure and splashed you with the stuff I’m feeling and processing.

I want to shield you from it and not make you pay for anyone else’s mistakes, but it DOES affect me and it has affected you and I’m sorry. I’m sorry for every tiny jealous bit or insecure moment. I think you know it’s not how I generally am, but I’m sorry it’s splashed you at all and I know you’re empathetic enough that you’ve felt it. You work so hard to be even and just and it sucks that you even have to. I wish I didn’t do that to you. It sucks that it’s anything you ever have to worry about. I dislike that I am part of that.

I think of you a lot, and it is generally counting my blessings. I just wanted you to know that I see the effort and the heart you are putting out there and I appreciate it. I see how kind and loving and compassionate and intuitive you are. I see the things that weigh on you and the ways you live with decency and kindness and empathy. I’ve leaned really heavily on you and I’m not sure what I would have done without you.

I’m thinking of how exhausting this past weekend must have been for you. You really had no time for rest or relaxation or time to yourself and that must have been difficult and tiring.

I can’t seem to capture it now and it doesn’t seem as good as it was in my head. I guess I just want to tell you that I love you and I’m sorry for my mess. Thank you for loving me the way you do. Thank you for getting me and sharing your life and your self with me. Thank you for being who you are. Thank you for bringing [your wife] into my life. Just Thank You.

Enough of my mushy drivel. I will regret this tomorrow and be embarrassed that I went on and on, but whatever. I’ll blame the fact that it’s late or that I had a drink. We won’t concentrate on the fact that it’s only 1220 and I had one drink for almost two hours. It was the bourbon that made me mushy. Yeah… the bourbon.

As long as I’m so “influenced” I can say whatever I want, and go on and on with impunity, I have to tell you that I love your very soul. I love you for being exactly who you are exactly as you are.

Kisses”

——————————————–

I had this talk with Traveler’s wife about some of what I’ve been going through and life and such.  We just were able to talk.  She kinda opened up and I’m thanking my lucky stars and I opened up with her too.  I was so woo woo.  I needed that.  It just soothed me.  I felt so open and so full of love.  I felt like someone really got it and got me and told me I wasn’t crazy and I was safe.  I really can’t do it justice.  I just needed it so much and didn’t realize how much I needed it.  It was a balm to me.

Not Like That

***I try not to edit the past or edit blogs for content if I later find them upsetting or embarrassing or whatever, but this time it wasn’t about me and that’s not okay. This post was edited because it contained information other people did not want shared and I have deleted their information. It is important that I am more careful with others info and I was not as careful as I should have been, so it was deleted.***

I like to have dreams about my sweeties, but not like that.

I had a dream last night that Traveler, Traveler’s wife, Peaches, Dragon and I were at a party. After a while we noticed Traveler and Dragon were gone and Traveler’s wife wanted to ask them something. We went looking and found Traveler and Dragon in the host’s big old tub in a sea of bubbles. They had champagne and looked smug to be caught together at the party. Traveler’s wife asked Traveler what the hell he was doing and Traveler said he was celebrating. He said he and Dragon were finally on the same page and that he would be moving to San Francisco with Dragon and they were planning to marry. Peaches and I put our arms around Traveler’s wife, who was shocked. I asked, what about us (meaning Traveler’s wife, Peaches and I)? Traveler laughed and Dragon did too, cruelly. Traveler said he was sorry to hurt his wife, but really.. what did I have to be upset about? “Oh, you didn’t think this was like.. really love, did you? Oh god. You did. Wow. That’s kinda pathetic”. And then he and Dragon laughed and laughed and laughed.

I went to Cleveland for some solace and he pulled away from hugging me when I shared the last line, about how Traveler was amused I thought he’d loved me, and Cleveland said “well he has a point. I mean.. oh.. wow… you really do think that we loved you. Um. Honey. That’s really sad. Of course we don’t LOVE you love you. God you’re needy.”

I woke up crying.