Today was My Day

Image of pig with stethoscope from blog.conqueryourdebt.org

A while back I told readers that I had a genetic problem with BRCA.  I tested positive for an abnormality of my BRCA gene that is strongly associated with breast and ovarian cancer.  I was tested because I have a very strong family history of breast and ovarian cancer, and unsurprisingly I was told I had it.  I slowly came to terms with it, accepting that while I didn’t want to have this, I wanted to know and to have surgeries to remove and rebuild my breasts and remove my ovaries to avoid getting cancers of my breasts or ovaries more than I wanted to have cancer and chemo and have these things taken out anyway because they were killing me.  I’ve seen cancer.  And honestly I figured I’d kill myself when I was ready if it came to that.  I had this whole thing about how I want to be able to choose and to die with dignity.  Anyway.. knowing I had BRCA was a chance to not have all of that.  It sucked, but it also meant that I might actually live like other people.

The Book of Love

I’m just gushing on about love.

I’m so in love with you that I wish there were songs for us.  I wish there were words for this.

I think of you and I feel warm... I smile all the time.  I love the timbre of your voice, the exact sound of you.  I love to make you teach me things to listen to your voice‘s honey.  And the way your skin feels on my lips and my fingertips, it’s magic.  I want you.  I want everything about you.  I want you in so many ways.. carnally, sweetly, gently, warmly, softly, but mostly I just want you. 

Magic

tea light candles glowing from: http://thepalmbeachcandlecompany.com/images/candle1.jpg

We missed our kink class, so this one has some frank sex..  Just letting you know.  🙂

A bunch of us planned to hit a kinky technique class at the local club last night, but it was cancelled due to the instructor being sick.  It happens.  So Traveler and I kissed our loves and friends goodnight and pondered what to do.  We were all gussied up.  We thought maybe we’d start out with cocktails and dessert since we’d wolfed down some tacos thinking we had to hurry to class.  After some talk we decided we’d grab some port and chocolate and have our little evening at my house.  I admitted I was a little disappointed that the kinky fun wouldn’t be happening and Traveler reminded me that we could have kinky fun all on our own.  Hilariously we’d just discussed who might cuff whom when Quinky Girl suggested in her text that maybe one of us could tie the other up.  Oh great minds!  Huzzah!

In a few hours

a birthday cake lit with candles and sparklers found at: http://www.recruteuretcandidats.fr/public/.gateau-d-anniversaire_m.jpg

In a few hours I will be 40 years old.  Yeah.. I’m feeling pretty good about it, and pretty nostalgic.  I just took a long hot shower and actually laughed and cried thinking back on things.  Do you ever get like that at milestones?  

I’m 40, and you know.. I’m mostly happy.  I read a few things about turning 40 today and I have to admit I agree with a lot of them.  With a few rather large exceptions, the last 5 years or so have been some of the happiest of my life.  I was suicidal a lot in my teens and my early 20’s.  It’s been a long time and I don’t entertain those thoughts much these days, but they come.  I still think about it on those rare times, and then it comes to me.. all the times I’ve thought over the years, “If I’d been successful, and If I’d killed myself at 15, or 16, or 19 or 22 I would have missed THIS”.  

I’ll be standing at a big moment or a small one and I’d know I would have missed it.  I would have missed all of that if I’d kept believing that life would always be so dark.  Life isn’t like that.  It isn’t like that all.  Life NEVER stays the same, not even when we want it to.  It’s never all dark or all light.  It just isn’t.  Everything spins and everything changes.  If I’d have given up then I’d have missed everything.  I have gotten nearly every happiness I’ve ever wanted and most of what I’ve feared.  And tallying it all up, I’d hate to have missed it all.  

I’m not going to lie.  This last year has been in many was one of the toughest of my life.  But here’s the thing.  Amazingly.. I’m mostly pretty happy.  My injuries healed most of the way and my heart is healing too.  I’m working on the damaged bits and that might take a while, but I’m headed in the right direction.  

hands shielding a candle to be lit from another found at :http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-1MoxWx49VlA/T9t1lIadVgI/AAAAAAAABmY/vnKNirXwUPk/s320/candle1.jpg

They say in your 40’s you come into your own.  You have a lot of things figured out and a lot of things you’ve learned.  I agree.  And sex really does seem to get better and better too.  A lot of the articles talked about the success we’ve built up in our careers and our families, and I don’t really have that.  I never had children of my own and I’m not very financially successful.  So I don’t relate to the obvious kinds of family and success the articles name, but I have to admit that the success is still true.  I have built a little family that is absolutely precious to me.  I’m blood-related to almost none of the members, but they are family none-the-less.  I can’t tell you how many times I’ve counted on Ph.D or Squirrel.  And here I’m building a life with my little chosen family.  

I could go on and on, but I keep deleting that, realizing that the details are rather unimportant.  The point I kept trying to make was that I’m going to be 40 here soon, and I’m pretty happy about it and happy in general.  My ex hated it that I said it all the time, but I do keep marvelling and it keeps coming to me… “what a long strange road it’s been”.  🙂

 

All Good Things

I feel like the universe is showering me with good.  I know that’s a weird thing to say, I mean, I’m getting divorced (signing papers today) and my roommates asked me to leave because they can’t stand living with me, and I am pretty broke, eating my savings to move and afford an apartment on my own.  But here’s the thing.. these are good things too.

It’s of course a sad thing still that my marriage ended, or that the good era of my marriage ended.  I do miss the good things about being with my ex.  I think you can miss who a person once was and what you had with them, even as you acknowledge that it is gone.  I didn’t stop loving him.  It doesn’t really work that way.  I was talking last night with a friend about relationships and (unrelated) I kept thinking that it’s sad when things change in ways we might not have set out to go, but it’s not necessarily a bad thing to change a relationship that no longer really works or is not really fulfilling.  Every relationship involves compromise but there’s a limit to that.  Holding on to relationships that aren’t right for us, even if they are with really lovely people, blocks us from the motivation to pursue and devote ourselves to things that are more fulfilling.  It keeps us from growing and it keeps us stuck.  It’s hard, but it’s good to see relationships for what they are.  (again this isn’t about my friend.. just a thought I was having)

Having my marriage end was awful and hard and painful.  If you’ve read this at all,  you know that. But it was ultimately healthy for me, I think.  It was a catalyst for change and growth.  It made me think about who I want to be and what I want to be doing, and I’m working on that.  And I feel like I’m making progress.

I’ve gotten to travel a little bit and bond more with my friends.  I’ve fallen madly in love with Quinky Girl, aka Traveler’s wife, and we’re having a polyaffective love affair.  (I like to call it courtly love).  Do you ever fall in love with your friends?   You’ll hear more about that on the podcast, when it posts, and you can read more about it at her blog post here.

I’m moving on from a living situation that caused a lot of discomfort and starting my life in my own place.  I’m dating kind, loving, sweet, intelligent, sexy, passionate, interesting men who treat me very well.  I am in love and falling madly.  The people in my life are honest with me, as far as I can tell, and none of them seems to have an overly difficult time talking to me about things honestly.  I mean, I AM still dating men, engineers and computer dudes at the moment, so you know, there’s THAT.  But I am really grateful for men that are good to me.

I’d like to date a woman, and have more of a connection with a lovely woman that included sexy times, but it’ll happen or not as it needs to and I feel no urge to chase.  My life is abundant.  You never know.  Maybe lovely Amelia will resurface.

I’m enjoying writing more again with this program my friend gave me that allows me to talk and dictate, and I’m looking forward to leaving my easel up so I can paint more regularly.  I’m loving roller derby and finally seeing improvement in my skating.  I’m getting excited to cook more and have fun learning how to make yummy relatively healthy things.  I’m thinking of taking some classes.  I’m exploring my kinks.  I’m getting things together to go back to school.  Growth for me has often been a process that starts with pain.  Pain is a great motivator.  But after the pain, action and reflection ushers in a period of joy and of loving the growth.  I don’t always like the process or the changing, but I love the results.  It’s so nice to be marveling at the good stuff right now.  It’s just so nice.

I have to add and admit to one last thing too… I have such fun sexy plans.  I’ve been talking about trying something new.  I’m talking about trying a few somethings new.  In fact, we’re talking about sexy adventures in all of my relationships.  Oh, how I love that.  I’m awash with sexual energy and musing.  I’m having the best time not really imagining anything specific, but liking the promise and planning little explorations.  I love when I’m like this.. all sensual energy and writhing excitement at my sexy plans. I can’t wait to explore.

 

 

Dumb Questions

I had the nicest time last night at a very lovely New Year’s Eve party.  It was nice, everyone just relaxing and having fun.  Cleveland and his wife threw a truly lovely party.  She made her addictive cookies, a pork roast, and spaghetti squash with pesto.  I brought a super rich delicious mocha cheesecake that gave the girls afterglow, and Traveler and his wife brought caprese.  Peaches and her beau made yummy homemade sushi and these cookies she’s kinda famous for.  Cleveland made the best cosmos and whiskey sours in town.  There was lovely conversation, food appreciation, and just general relaxing good times.

On the way to make an appearance at Traveler’s Wife’s Boyfriend’s party the conversation meandered with Traveler and I and I asked him, after he’d talked about how he’d been in love with someone, if he felt he was in love with me.

All the Kinds of Love

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays.  I just woke up and smiled, thinking of last night.  The December drought of kisses and dates and yummy sex continues, but I can’t help feeling loved.  I had a pretty bad minute coming home, and then.. a bunch of joy.  Do you ever think about all the kinds of love in your life?

I’d finally checked my old FaceBook messages, bored on the plane and learned the my husband had taken our dog walker to San Francisco to meet his sister.  A bunch of people were asking me if Hubby was in fact polyamorous because he’d taken his new girlfriend to California and had her meet his sister.  This was news to me since he and RollerGirl had recently broken up.  Then it clicked.  Hubby has been dating our old dog walker and RollerGirl for months.  Well, kiss my grits.  He threw me away, after months of abuse because he wasn’t poly and he was angry at me for being poly and that he was going to go be monogamous with RollerGirl.  But, here he had been dating two women for at least 4 months.  Fuck me sideways. 

Bon Voyage

** I talk about more traveling, some thinky bits, and a sexy time date with Cleveland.  Just letting you know.  ;)**

I’m going to my brother’s today in Phoenix.  It’s the last of my trips for a bit, thank god.  I’ve been having a lot of fun traveling and seeing cool things, but it’s going to be nice to have December over and go back to normal.  I miss time with my honeys and metamours and friends and my regular life.

I have been brimming over with happiness just lately though.. so happy and so grateful.  Traveler’s Wife and I had a text convo that left me smiling even the next day… just about our happiness, about love and connection and friendship and all these amazing blessings.  And last night I had my little sandwich date with Cleveland.  He was out of town until the day before and I’m going out of town now, the day after.  Thus the sandwich.  Wonderful.  It was so nice to see his sweet face and talk to him about everything and nothing.  There was so much snuggling and petting and kisses and the sex was ridiculously hot.  I asked him after if it’s like that for him too.  I don’t know if our bodies are just learning each others or we’re just syncing more, but it’s been really good lately.  And the talk!  We talked and talked about all kinds of things.. and he leveled with me on something.  He finally had a twinge, just a little thing, but we were able to talk about it and I’m hoping that I’m offering reassurance.  It was nice to see such real feeling from him.  I don’t want him to get twinges, but I have to admit it was nice to be able to talk about it.

It’s been funny.. vacillating between so much joy at all kinds of happy things and feeling so much love and feeling so loved, and also frustration and uncertainty in my few small moments.  I’m trying to remember that I’m tired and it’s just a stressful time of year, and that I shouldn’t read into anything, but I find myself more uncertain in these little moments, you know?  I’m not a girl who asks “what does it mean” all the time, of every decision and statement and behavior of my loved ones. I don’t have my friends read things to decipher the hidden meaning in them.  I assume people mean the things they’ve said.  I tend to be direct and I always assume others are too.  It makes me crazy to try to read into everything and I just don’t do it much.

But in these little moments here and there I find myself tallying.  Does him blowing me off mean I’m out here alone.. in love by myself?  Does taking 2 days to answer a text when I know they see every text mean anything?  Does this sweet gesture mean anything?  Did he mean it when he said what he said?  Ugh.  I HATE being like that, so when I catch myself I actually shake my head and tell myself a few things.

Its usually something like. “Self, listen.  This is an adult relationship.  If this person is trying to tell you things they have proven to you that they will say them.  You do not need to turn into the damn Riddler asking why why why.  This is you missing them and feeling a little vulnerable and sad to be without them.  Knock it off.  Look at all of this good evidence and remember that these doubts are existing now because you are just a little off of your balance.  Look at all of the proof, gained over time, that you love and are loved. Don’t let your fear tell you things that aren’t true.  It’s okay that you’re vulnerable and that this makes you a little afraid.  You are allowed to feel this, and don’t need to beat yourself up about it.  Feel the things you feel and when you’re asking yourself why you feel them, again you will see it’s just that you miss your lover.  They miss you too.  Look at the things that show you they miss you.  Think about all the good things you have felt and said lately.  Remember that you are actually happy and sure most of the time.  There is a reason for that.  It makes sense.  Relax.”

It’s funny how quickly a good little pause and reminder work.  As soon as I understand what is happening I feel it shrink and it’s a perspective change.  I see all the beautiful things.  I feel so loved.  I feel secure and happy and cherished.  I feel lucky beyond belief.  I can’t believe I am allowed so much love, to flow through me and to me.  I feel grateful.  I think of all the support and affection and laughter and giving of self I get, and I am bowled over by my blessings.  I have friends who shower me with love.  I have loves who are kind.  What a blessing of abundance.

I think of sitting in my car nearly weeping with joy, texting back and forth with Traveler’s wife about so much happiness and I can’t help but smile.  My people are so very good to me and I love my little budding family.  I can’t tell you what that means to me.  I literally don’t have the words.

Ahhhhhh

I just had great dates and a great night with friends.  Cleveland and I had this sort of wonderful midweek date with talking and walking and fucking and eating and petting and snuggling.  We’re getting excited for our Portland trip and I just love how things are going there.  It’s funny when things are kinda right how easy and good they are.  There isn’t any angst or gnashing of teeth.  There isn’t any big discussions or issues.  It’s just good.  The affection is good, the sex, the talk, the fun, the plans the hobbies.. all of it.  I just enjoy being with him.  The only hard part is sometimes missing him.

Then Traveler and I had a great date.  I had all these plans and in the end he was just too tired, which worked because I was too tired too.  We went to get a cocktail and the food looked yummy and we ate there.  Then I got a little randy and attacked him, and he was an all too willing victim, and then we played Wow and snuggled each other to sleep.  It sounds like a boring date, as so many of our dates do, but it was not at all boring.  Again, I just have so much joy.

I love that the men I love are such good friends to me.  I love the level of conversation I can have with them and the just… good.  I can’t tell you somehow or express how much I am just in pure and utter joy.  I like it.  I like it all.  I like it exactly, in every way, exactly as it is.  I find myself gazing at them sometimes, while they blog or fold clothes or smile at me, and I am thinking just how lucky I am.  It’s an amazing thing to find someone you respect and love, who excites you and holds you, gets you and lets you get them.  It’s just such a marvel to so love and be loved.  It’s one of life’s precious things and I rain kisses on their faces and soak up all the smiles.  Ahhhhhhh.. Just Ahhhhhhh.  After the long and difficult road at times… Ahhhhhhhh.