Comfort

I’ve been tired, so tired my love.  My mind is weary.  I felt like I’d drown in this and needed those few hours to dig in the dirt with you and to make my body ache.  I needed to quiet my mind and rest in the labor.  I needed our breath, and the sounds of us working, and the little smiles and dirty kisses and the sun that was there even if it was cloudy.  I needed to rest, but my mind won’t ease now.  There is too much to do and to think about and I’m thinking deadlines deadlines deadlines.  So I needed to just work with you.  I needed the comfort and ease of the way we work together.

I’ve felt a little distant from you love.  I’ve felt far away and too deep in my head with all of this work.  I’ve needed to linger and spend time looking at each other, but it’s time we don’t have.  Thank you for your little touches while we worked side by side later on the couch.  I needed those little smiles.  I needed those pets.  Soon love.  Soon.

Thank you for fantasizing with me a little afterward, for giving my mind something to chew on that wasn’t academic.  Thank you for knowing how to please me so well, for your warm skin and your soft kisses.  Oh, when you call be beautiful or pull me to you.  Oh when you trace my curves.  Oh god I was so tired but I could not stop touching you and being touched by you.  I love you I love you I love you on my breath and in my heart and my head.  I fell asleep sated and tired and ready for blissful sleep, such comfort.

image from alligator-sunglasses.com

And thank you for not being able to get out of bed. Dozing in and out of sleep with you curled to me…. heaven.  Why can’t I ever stop touching you? Craving your touch?  So many little kisses.  Everywhere.  Your taste.  Your smile.  Your scent.  On my lips and in my breath and in my heart.  I love you I love you I love you.  The warm comfort of you lingers.

I’m so tired, love.  But we’re almost there.  You’re such a comfort.

And Then It Was Just Us Now

I’m still processing some stuff, but for now the storm has passed with Traveler and I.  I didn’t resolve my future tripping and I don’t have it all ironed, but I decided that right now I just need to love and be loved.

This is from Worst Cat Tumbler. It’s funny. Check it out if you haven’t seen it. 🙂

So we had a wonderful mid-week date.  He helped me bring home groceries and then talked with me while I made dinner and cleaned up my kitchen.  We talked about Clash of Clans and World of Warcraft and Halloween parties.  We laughed and ate my delicious chili.  Afterwards I was hot and went to change and called him in to lay on the bed with me.  I asked what he wanted to do tonight and he said “I really don’t care at all what we do.  I just want to be with you and spend time with you”.  Of course I kissed him for that.

We planned to lay together for a minute and then go back out to the living room to play World of Warcraft together.  And we never left the bed.  We ended up in bed from about 630pm on.  We got utterly blissed out on touch, just petting each other and snuggling and kissing and saying sweet loving things.  We didn’t even really talk.  We smiled and kissed and petted and snuggled and writhed together.  We looked at each other and smiled.  We twined our limbs together like roots.  We rolled over.  We sighed happily.  We hummed pleasure.  And it was utterly and completely perfect.

It didn’t answer any future questions and it didn’t need to.  It made me feel loved.  It made me feel deeply and completely loved, and I told him that.  I also told him he was kinda crazy about me.  He agreed.

Did you know that snuggling releases oxytocin and that oxytocin is healing?  It’s true.

Don't Trip Over Molehills

There’s a saying, “People don’t trip over mountains.  They trip over molehills”.  The reason for this is simple.  When you encounter a mountain, you know it’s a challenge and you take precautions and adjust and do the things necessary to climb or go around it or whatever.  You take notice of a mountain.  Molehills though.. you don’t even see sometimes, or you just don’t lift your foot high enough.  You don’t give them much care, and so that’s where you trip.

Last night I had a nice little midweek extra snuggle sleep over with Traveler.  I think we were both a bit beaten by our days and the snuggling was a godsend.  I had this little thing on my mind, a tiny niggling thing like a seed stuck in my teeth.  I brought it up to dismiss it.  I wasn’t really sure what I was asking of him, if anything.  I just wanted to address this thing and move on.  It was kinda an incomplete thought.  He reacted defensively and we talked a teeny bit about it and then it hit me what was actually wrong and it was embarrassing.  The reason I needed to talk about this little thing wasn’t that I thought he’d done something wrong. The problem was that I had this little no-good thought. A small thing had rubbed against it and I really didn’t want to say it, which was a clue I really had to.  I told him my little insecure thought.  He was relieved, got it, pulled me close and said “you know that’s not true.  C’mere”. 

Yep.  That’s what I needed.  I needed to see that thought, admit it, and have a tiny reassurance.  I could have pushed that to a recess of my mind where it would likely make friends over time and make a resentment, or I could just admit it, get a kiss, and really let it go because it was resolved.  

It’s a molehill, these little thoughts sometimes. 

Did he do that because?…

What is that about?…

Maybe it’s me.. something wrong with me…

Hey, that feels…

Little molehills every one, easily brushed under or pushed aside, and as easily brought out and resolved, never to garner resentments.  I like being resolved.  I like getting to the root of something and getting it out when it’s a tiny thing.  I spent the night curled to him, warm and happy and content.  I got my kisses and my pettings and we laughed at YouTube videos and talked about our stressful days and meetings and tough conversations and tiredness.  We petted each others knotted muscles into a sweet relaxed dozing off and slept in our little pretzel. My overwhelming feelings were “safe” “comfortable” and “grateful”.  I woke smiling and petted him through a few alarms before helpfully pushing him out of the bed.  He kissed me goodbye and ran off to another horrific work day, and I snuggled into his pillow and his scent, and dozed till my alarm and my own chaotic work day began.  

 

Dumb Questions

I had the nicest time last night at a very lovely New Year’s Eve party.  It was nice, everyone just relaxing and having fun.  Cleveland and his wife threw a truly lovely party.  She made her addictive cookies, a pork roast, and spaghetti squash with pesto.  I brought a super rich delicious mocha cheesecake that gave the girls afterglow, and Traveler and his wife brought caprese.  Peaches and her beau made yummy homemade sushi and these cookies she’s kinda famous for.  Cleveland made the best cosmos and whiskey sours in town.  There was lovely conversation, food appreciation, and just general relaxing good times.

On the way to make an appearance at Traveler’s Wife’s Boyfriend’s party the conversation meandered with Traveler and I and I asked him, after he’d talked about how he’d been in love with someone, if he felt he was in love with me.

Black and Blue

**I thought this posted yesterday, but it actually saved as a draft, so today will be a two-fer.  Just a heads up too.. skip if graphic talk of sex and kink with Boss would be unwelcome.  Thanks!**

First a few little housekeeping details… I saw Rollergirl last night for the Roller Derby meet and we had a nice visit.  She and my ex Hubby have broken up.  I knew this was coming.  They have both told me they wanted to break up with the other for weeks now.  They like and care about each other and there were lots of good things, but there was lots of bad too on both sides and their being together was just really unhealthy.  They had reasons that were more about now and reasons that were more about incompatibility, but I still think it was hard.  I thought it would take longer than it did. I feel the tiniest bit vindicated somehow, but I really do feel bad for both of them.  I think it’s healthy and they both seem to think it’s healthy too that they broke up, but endings aren’t fun and despite it all I still love them and therefore don’t wish them to be unhappy.  Hubby and I divorcing, RollerGirl and I broken up, and Hubby and Rollergirl finally breaking up with each other is a sucky end.   It is what it is.  I hope some day he’ll be better.  I hope RollerGirl and I are too.  There are lots of good things I miss about him as a person, and it’d be nice to be friends.  You never know.  Someday…

But on to better things.  I went to the black and blue party last night with Boss.  It was a bunch of firsts for me.

I’ve never been to the black and blue party, though I have wanted to go.  I love impact play.  By impact play I mean being spanked and flogged and hit with things.  We met beforehand at this amazing little neighborhood place called Essex.  They have ridiculously good drinks and make a bunch of stuff there themselves.  So after a quick drink and some delicious cauliflower toasts we hit the club.

When we arrived people were already playing and there was some nice grindy blues on the sound system.  We greeted friends and got situated in the center of the play space.  I was excited and nervous.  I’ve been to a lot of events and had a few dabblings, but this was my first time playing playing with Boss and my first time really playing at the club.  Boss opened his bag and explored things with me, and it was my first time with some of that stuff too.

He had a few single tale whips, which excited and scared me.  I like the idea of some delicious pain, but I didn’t know if I was ready for straight up whipping.. turns out I needn’t have worried.  He had canes and a loop fabric thing with a handle and metal shot filling, and paint stir-sticks and gags.  He had me ask for what I wanted, which I was slightly ready for since he’d told me he would.  I wanted all of it, except maybe the gags, and I managed to pick a few things.  It’s uncomfortable to ask for what I want.  I have this especially with kink, where I feel like I’m asking him to do a lot of work to please me and I’m not totally clear that it’s not a selfish wish of mine.  I have the same difficulty asking people to eat my pussy or give me a back rub or whatever.  I don’t want to ask him to do something he doesn’t want to do.

We got set up and he said “take off whatever you are comfortable taking off”.  Oh man.  I asked him to kiss me.  He did.. a little… and said I’d get more when I took more off.  Oi Vey.  I took off my pants.. kiss kiss.  I took off my shirt.. kiss kiss kiss.  And he pulled me to him and kissed me deeply and pushed himself against me as he unhooked and removed my bra.  Sizzle. 

We began to play, so slowly and lightly at first.  We kissed here and there and had intense eye contact as he lightly cropped me.. here and there.. dancing on my skin.. warming.  We started with me facing him, facing out into the room, and I was very cognizant of the people watching and of my nakedness at first.  It was a delicious fear.  It excited me to be watched, to watch him, to gauge his facial expressions and briefly flick my attention to the crowd here and there until the sensations increased and I forgot they were present.  My body warmed and my skin sang and I got wetter and wetter as he teased me and tantalized me and built…so.. very… slowly.

He surprised me too in these little fits, when he pressed himself against me, kissed me, and when we let me reach and stroke his cock.  He smiled and gave me a sort of low laugh as I squeezed him, pleased.  He kept it fairly light, since it was our first time together and I’m still so new, but he left me some excellent reminders.  I’m guessing he’s working up.  It’s a good plan.

I’m a little sore, and I’m bruised fairly well on my breasts and thighs from the cane, but I like it.  It’s a little delicacy to have flashes back to last night.  His hands, him grinding against me, the thud and sting and snap, and his taste come to me in little bursts.  I like to be reminded of the lick of his whip and of grasping the bed with my white knuckles while I flooded, and the pounding grinding aching delight of the back room.  I like the smile I get thinking of making him tingle with my fingertips on his skin and of the warmth of wrapping myself around him after, not wanting to let go and not feeling like I had to.

Cleveland asked me already how last night went because he was so compersive and felt such joy at the idea of me having naughty fun.  It’s a rare treat to get to enjoy his pleasure at my pleasure.  I think I’m starting to believe he really isn’t going to be mean or spiteful or accusatory.  I’m starting to get that he really might be okay, and that if he ever isn’t, maybe he’ll talk to me about it like a human being and we’ll work it out.

I don’t know what Traveler will say about the marks.  We have a date tonight.  He surprises me all the time, but he’s usually so supportive of the exploits of me and his wife and Peaches.  A few times when I’ve had a bruise here or there he’s guessed its origin, smiled, and said something like “very nice” before he fucked me silly.  I don’t know if it’s just that he knows how I feel about him and how he rocks me and therefore he doesn’t have cause for insecurity or that he’s just so happy with what makes the women he is with happy that it doesn’t matter, or maybe even just that he’s used to how well things run so well with him and his wife, but generally I feel like he’s in my corner and he celebrates whatever my successes are.  If he shocks me and needs reassurance or love or whatever I’ll give it gladly.

Ah, but it’s time to get ready.  Time to go shower and enjoy the view of my delicious reminders.  🙂

I'm a cuddle slut

I love cuddling.  I love it.  I crave that affection.

I have had the best cuddles this week.  It’s like the universe knew how much I needed them.  I’m having a friendassance and loving good times with friends new and old, and I’ve been enjoying some sexy times with my sweeties too, but I have to admit.. right now.. I’m all about the snuggles. 

Cleveland and I just blissed out on snuggle time yesterday.  He was feeling a little under the weather.  I accidentally got him going with my knee and there was a little uh.. “naked snuggling” too, but all the normal petting and snuggling and touch just had me blissed beyond belief.  I don’t know where hours went.  We were snuggling and talking and then hours later we realized the time.  I love that.  I love him.  He’s marvelous. 

Traveler and I had a really a totally chill Halloween.  We had a lovely talk about things serious and fun and went and got a cocktail and got some dinner and headed back to his place.  We planned to play World of Warcraft but ended up turning on some Game of Thrones for “just while we ate” and hours later realized we’d snuggled our way to the end of season 2.  It was perfect and exactly what I needed.  He was so warm and so comfortable.  I love him so damn much.   

It’s funny… I have all these sexy plans on the horizon and I am having fun exploring things fun and flirty with my loves, but the stuff that is really just thrilling the shit out of me right now is the snuggles.  It’s amazing to hold and be held like that.  It’s so fulfilling to love and be loved and to just chill like that, enjoying fun conversations and warm loving touches, to relax so fully in a warm tangle.  I feel filled and recharged.  I feel languid and happy. 

Travel Plans

I’m excited to have travel plans.  I am looking forward to camping with Traveler and his Wife and a trip to Portland with Cleveland.  Last weekend Traveler and I were planning a night away with a hike and an overnight somewhere, and the poor man had meetings…. all weekend… at 7 am!!!!  I’m lucky we had a date at all.  We kept it low key and it was marvelous, and we rescheduled for this weekend.  Then we put off and put off talking about the plans and I’m pretty sure we aren’t over-nighting anywhere.  I was disappointed for like 7 minutes. 

Sunny Day Snuggling by Pettyart

Taking Stock

I was paid a few very nice compliments this past weekend, and I have to say they are making me feel a lot more secure.  Of course it’s also helped that I’ve been writing (off line) about my stuff and tracing it back and having a few good realizations.  Knowing where a lot of this recent insecurity is coming from is helping, as is making a plan to mitigate it.  And well.. it didn’t hurt that I had some dates with my honeys that were maybe some of the best dates I’ve ever had.