Sometimes Writing is Hard

It’s hard to be a kitten.

Sometimes writing is hard.  I wrote this long thing last night about laying it all out there when you meet someone, and included all this stuff and realized it could be said like this.

I met a guy on OK Cupid and after some discussion we agreed to meet and both talked a little about what we are open to.  I worried for a second that he might not like this or that about what I am open to and what I want and then remembered something.  If this guy is a good fit for me to date, he’ll be attracted to the things I am.  If who I am upsets him or whatever, well.. that’s good information.  He asked to share the email with his wife, which gave me a little pause for a second till I realized that if this guy’s wife had some issue with me or anything I am, that’s good information, and if he and his wife end up being a little too in each other’s business and I’d be dating  committee (something I would hate) that’s good information too.  And as it turns out I needn’t have worried.  He just really liked what I’d said and thought it was a nice way to say things he and his wife had discussed and wanted to share it with her rather than try to say it again in his words.  Every once in a great while I get afraid to lay it all out there.  I know there can be consequences for doing so, but if I’m hoping to find love or friendship with people who are into ME.. then being me does make a lot of sense.

There.  I just saved anyone who’d read it about a page and a half.

Heh.

And as a bonus, I just took that picture of my kitten, Nani.  It was too good and appropriate to the topic not to share.

Talk about Sex? Who'd a Thunk It?

Movie title for Young Visiters from http://ia.media-imdb.com

One of the nice things about living openly is that my old friend coming into town means I get to have fun introducing him to the people in my life without worry.  All of them have asked me “Is it okay to talk freely?”, “Are there things.. ahem.. he shouldn’t know?”.  Nope.  I had to laugh too because people have asked if he’d delicate, or if he’d judge them because they were going through something, or if they should “behave around him”.  Heh.

The idea that I’d be close friends with someone for 13 years and they’d be delicate or easily offended makes me laugh.

Ph.D, my friend, visited from Colorado.  He came to this academic conference and to see me and have a good time.  He is not, in fact, delicate nor easily offended.  And I told everyone when they asked to speak freely.  I’m not sure what would shock or offend my dear Ph.D, but I’m quite sure my friends and loves would have to struggle mightily to find it.  On the flip side, he asked and I let him know that he could talk to my loves and my friends about anything.  Hell, a few people at my work know a little bit about my life and if others found out I’d be relieved.  When I began my job 5 years ago I was a very happily married monogamous woman.

We opened up, and a couple of years later broke up (not directly related) and it’s hard to figure out how to say “by the way I’m in love with a man I’ve been dating almost 2 years, some of which was when I was married to my husband”.  Well.. actually that kinda answers that.  You say something like that I guess.  Or maybe you just leave off the dates.  Maybe you just say you’re in an open relationship with these two guys and it’s working.  I’m going to do exactly that eventually.  When we talk about what we all did on the weekend, or plans, I mention that I did this with a man I’m dating.  I know they assume I’m either not dating these men very seriously, or that the more relationship stuff is all the same man.  Whatever.  If I ever have good reason I’m fine with outing myself at work.  I sort of think (like a friend says) that poly people have a responsibility to out themselves in casual situations.  I think this is how acceptance starts, with familiarity.

Earnest looking character from “The Young Visiters” (yes spelled that way) from http://www.movie-roulette.com

So, yep.. good visit with Ph.D.  I was going to write a much longer and more in depth post about this, but well.. I’m not.  The visit was wonderful.  I loved having my friend here and loved some time with him.  Oh?  You hear a but?  Yeah.  There is a but.

Awkward

When I fall for someone at first I can be really awkward.  It’s a thing that has happened the few times I’ve fallen.  I’ve thought about this a lot, of course.  Yes, part of it is that I have a fear backlash that kinda occurs.  I love them and want them and am excited and happy and this thing rises up in me that is hyper sensitive and strange and worried and scared.. “oh god.. what are you doing!?!??  You trust this person and love them and want them and think they love you… eeeek… oh man, you are probably wrong.  You are an idiot.  Look for signs and react like a weirdo to things.. yes.. that will help and will keep you safe!”

scrabble tiles saying I love you at: http://media1.santabanta.com/full1/Emotions/Love/love-249a.jpg

And What If They Suck?

image of a fortune cooking saying “mind your own business” found at- http://freeisbeautiful.net/wp-content/uploads/2012/05/MYOB-Cookie.jpg

I have to start this out by saying, my metamours (partners partners) DO NOT SUCK.  This post is more of a general post.  I’ll admit that I’ve had these conversations with my metas and with my partners and others and I’ll admit that from time to time I’ve seen some of this stuff. Sometimes, much to our consternation, our partners are gonna pick people that we wouldn’t pick.

Recently I met a guy online that worked for a while with one of my partners.  I told my partner I’d met this guy online and he said only “Oh.  That’s cool.  Maybe meet him in person before you make any decisions”.  It turns out this guy was maybe a little bit nutty.  Afterwards I asked my partner why he didn’t warn me.  He said that he didn’t want to meddle and he had no way of knowing how this guy conducted relationships, of course.  He said he didn’t want to appear protective or to influence me into not dating someone if I liked them.

We try to not meddle in each others relationships. Beyond matters of safety, it’s honestly none of my business.  I choose for myself how involved I am with the people my partner is dating.  Some of them I have become absolutely loving with and some I see now and then.  I haven’t always liked everyone that dated everyone I dated and I likely won’t.  What matters in who my partner dates is who THEY want.  Now, clearly if my partner has issues with partner selection and maturity, that’s gonna be an issue eventually.  But it will be an issue between my love and I, not between me and who they date.  Take for example dudes that seek out youngin’s all the time.

classic black and white image of a well dressed man saying “chill out slut” found at http://www.funnyjunk.com

I am 39 years old, almost 40.  I don’t date 20 year olds because they are simply too young for me.  It’s a maturity thing.

He said that. Nice.

I’m writing a different post that’s kinda related to this, but I had to kinda write this out, and well.. that’s what a blog is for sometimes.

I had this really great evening that started out less than stellar.  I went to this class Washington makes you take when you are getting divorced, which is really stupid because you have to take it after you file and it’s all about resources and such for how to file.  Good job guys.  Who is there tonight?  Yeah.. Hubby.  So I sit by him and I’m trying to be amicable and he’s being moody, of course.  In his defense he was dealing with something, but also not in his defense.. it’s no excuse to act the way he does and I’m done making excuses.

I just shrugged and played on my phone, talking to friends and reading blogs and stuff.  Whatever Dude.  He was supposed to have plans with someone and lied to them, and there he was calling someone else and making plans in the city.  Again, more reasons to be grateful my life is moving in a different direction.  He can be his nasty, moody, lying, thoughtless, inconsiderate, selfish self all he wants.  He is no longer my problem. My revenge is living well.  Yay!

So I meet up with Quinky for fun drinks and dish.  She’s started her new job and is working insano hours and it’s time to celebrate and relax too.  We met at Canon, a place I frankly couldn’t afford, but I’m a lightweight and wouldn’t be drinking heavily, so it was all good.  Holy crap is it delicious.  We shared a pizza with duck confit and these cake things made out of rice and roasted veggies and awesomeness.  We dished like we do, all over the map, and I told her about the way that Boss tends to talk to me of his interests and flirtations.

They Might Come Out

Recently Cleveland told me that he’s increasingly thinking about coming out.  I have to admit I’m excited for him.  Traveler also said he’d been considering being out, and might after certain conditions are met.  This surprised me.

It’s nice to be out, and I have to admit I agree with Dan Savage’s call to come out.  Lots of bisexuals are still closeted and this does contribute to the stigma about bisexuality and the lack of percieved support.  Even more non-monogamous people are not out.  I can’t remember the figures, but I think it’s something like only 20% of bisexuals are out and I have no idea what percent of non-mono folks are out.  Much like homosexuals, most people know a bisexual or non-monogamous person or a few, and if more of them were out there would be more people who knew they knew a bisexual or a non-mono person and it’d be that much less weird.  I’ve been out about being a bisexual since I was a teenager and came out as non-monogamous in stages over the last year.

I can’t agree more that it’s important to be out if you can.  As more and more gay people came out there were more and more places and people with whom being gay was okay.  I think a lot of people talk about coming out “if it’s ever a good situation to do so”, and I think it doesn’t really work that way.  I can’t wait for the climate to change so it’s easy to come out before I come out.  We need to come out to change the climate.  Those first lesbians and gay people didn’t come out to rosy acceptance everywhere.  Someone had to start and it might as well be me… or you. 

Taking Stock

I was paid a few very nice compliments this past weekend, and I have to say they are making me feel a lot more secure.  Of course it’s also helped that I’ve been writing (off line) about my stuff and tracing it back and having a few good realizations.  Knowing where a lot of this recent insecurity is coming from is helping, as is making a plan to mitigate it.  And well.. it didn’t hurt that I had some dates with my honeys that were maybe some of the best dates I’ve ever had.

One Year with Traveler

Today is the one year mark for Traveler and I.  One year.  Wow.

He started out as just a nice guy that offered to answer questions for me.  I needed a friend.  I got a friend, and a lot more.

I messaged him because he popped up in my matches and I was intrigued by his profile.  I didn’t know how to start a conversation, so I just said he’d popped up and I was intrigued and I wasn’t sure how to start a conversation.  He answered “I think you just did!”.  We kibitzed back and forth, and I admitted I’d liked his interests and that he read to his wife.  Something about that… a man that reads with his wife.  It sounded like a guy who appreciated intimacy and like a man who knew how to treat women.

He was flirty but nice.  He mentioned my caboose, but also wanted to know about the games I liked and how my trip to the Shakespeare festival had gone.  We chatted back and forth for a few days, sharing tidbits and interests and finally I confessed that I was actually pretty exhausted from poly drama and wondered if he’d like to be friends.  He responded that of course he’d be interested in just being friends, and that he’s been open a long time and could relate to drama stuff, and that if I’d like to talk he’d be happy to be a friend.

We chatted then on gmail, and arranged to meet and talk.  He told me about his own difficulties with open relationships and was really thoughtful and kind.  And dammit.. he was so damn cute.  I remember seeing him for the first time like it was yesterday.  He was wearing these nice pants and a purplish grayish shirt with just the collar unbuttoned.  He smiled really warmly and was so welcoming and sweet, and ridiculously cute.  I remember thinking that he was a little too cute for me and I was glad we’d decided to just be friends.  He was so open and warm and generously shared some of his own really private struggles.  I just liked him so very much.  He was intelligent and kind and sexy.  But we were just being friends.

Since it wasn’t a date, we got gyros and talked like old friends and then hit a poly meetup together, meeting my husband there. We were just friends, remember?  Anyway.. the meetup was odd and afterwards we hugged goodbye.  I sent him a message later that night or the next morning, and I thanked him for coming and for telling me such private stuff.  It had really helped.  He said, of course, “It was good to meet and talk with you.  I had fun, even if it was a little hard not to flirt with you when you looked up at me that one way you do”.  melt. 

I hadn’t picked up on him being attracted to me.  I guess I’m a little dull.  I said I hadn’t even guessed.  He said “well, you told me you needed a friend, so that’s what I was.  I was trying to be respectful and I enjoyed your company.” melt melt.

I told him I’d changed my mind and I wanted to date him.

Blogging 101

I hurt someone I love very much with this blog and my thoughtless writing.  I shared personal information about her and hurt her.  I shared parts of private conversations and painted her in a bad light.  It was not malicious or intentional, but it was hurtful and wrong and worst of all.. public.  I told myself I was okay and not sharing confidences because she had said I could write anything I wanted about her in my blog and that she was never going to read it, and the things I shared I shared after she’d told another person… but that’s bullshit.  That’s all bullshit.  It’s total and utter bullshit.

Her telling her close person things is not license for me to tell the blogisphere because “now it is out”.  That was really thoughtless and ridiculous.  I should absolutely have known better.  Some things are private. I know that may sound ridiculous on a blog of this nature.  I talk about private conversations and sex and love and feelings and all kinds of private stuff here all the time.  BUT.. that’s okay when it is MY PRIVATE INFO, not when it is someone else’s.  Also, the people in my life that I talk about okayed me talking about love and sex and relationships, not every aspect of their lives.

OK.. but I share private info about my partner’s sex lives and conversations and feelings here too.  I asked them for permission and received it before I shared stuff here, but that’s not a blanket okay.  Just because someone knows I have a blog about love and sex and relationships and ok’ed me talking about a dating situation they had doesn’t mean that they are now okay with me sharing absolutely everything about them.  It’s one thing for me to choose to talk about what I am feeling or doing and entirely another to talk about others.  MY INFO IS MINE TO SHARE AND THEIRS ISN’T.

I was writing a blog about feeling relieved and a blog about some hurt feelings I had.  I could have talked about both of those things without sharing details about others.  I could have sent them to her and had her okay if she wanted to share the things I shared.  I could have called her and talked about the posts before posting.  I could have done any number of things that would have been better. 

I made it hard for her to feel okay about going to certain things because there may be a person there who has read the blog and could know who she is.  I hurt her feelings and broke her trust.  I embarrassed her and betrayed her.  I did not do it on purpose, but the damage is still the same and still bad.  The part that compounds this is that I did it on a public blog.  And worse, this is not the first time I’ve wrestled with the whole public blog thing.

In the end, with my stuff I chose to accept the things that I was putting out there and to keep being honest even if I found it embarrassing or upsetting later.  But the thing is that I am the one writing it.  She isn’t choosing what is put here and was the victim of my sharing.  She didn’t decide she wanted to share that to get it off of her chest or in hopes that it would be useful or part of a story she is telling.  She didn’t get the choice that I did.  She told her friend things in private and her friend chose what things to say and said them with her own hurt feelings entwined.  That’s shitty.  That’s really shitty.  I like to think I’m not an asshole, but I was here. 

I don’t know yet how I am going to address this or make amends moving forward. I think it’s pretty clear I’ve ruined our friendship and that I’ve lost that.  I’m not sure I’ll even get the opportunity to make peace there or to make direct amends.  What I mean is that I’m not sure what to do about this fucking blog.  It’s important to me and I love writing it.  I love the damn thing, but it’s clear I need to have a much better way to avoid hurting others or I need to kill it because it’s costing me people I love.

Of course one thing would be to not post anything I wasn’t okay with absolutely all parties reading, whether they read the blog or not.  Obviously I should do that and will if I write more.  Another might be asking if people would like to okay any blogs they are mentioned in before I post them.  Obviously I also need to be much more vague about others and maybe not post blogs with a lot of feeling until after a cooling off period.. maybe a day or two?  I don’t know.  If I keep writing this, and honestly I do want to, I need to learn a lot more about how to protect others and how to avoid anything remotely like this ever happening again. 

This has cost me dearly.  Things I said were not as clear as I’d like them to be and that’s the trouble with writing.  I didn’t think enough. I know the blog isn’t really that anonymous, especially since we’ve been to polycamp.  I think at a minimum I need to radically change a few things about others and privacy and this blog.  I also need to talk to the people in my life and have a very clear and much better understanding about what is and is not okay to share here. 

The absolute worst part of all of this is that I hurt someone I care about.  I made things hard for them and they don’t need any more hard things right now.  Even if I get a change to apologize, and even though I’m retooling the blog and deleting ANYTHING like that, I can’t take it back or change that it happened or undo it.  It’s out there.  I guess this one I’m definitely sharing as a warning and as an explanation.  I want to promise I’ll kill this blog, but that’s bullshit drama too.  I love this blog and want to keep it.  I have to find a way to keep it that doesn’t damage those around me though or I’m not going to be able to justify its existence.

Reading Between The Lines

cyanide and happiness

I recently got a text from a friend that they’d meant to send to someone else. It was a not very nice thing about me. They had never said this to me. I said “wow. ouch”. They responded “It makes me sound like a bitch, but I love her. I just think it’s post trip annoyance”. I said “No. Ouch because you are talking to me. Great. Thanks”. They had confessed that they were trying to manipulate situations and that they had all these unresolved feelings with their partner and that they’d been upset with me about that.

They finally realized they were talking to me.