Why why why?

God bless it. It’s day one and already it’s stupid. My husband is so convinced I want to fuck him over. I’d like not to be stupid or hire lawyers or whatever. We wanted to take some time to let this all sink in. Already he’s getting wacky. He got upset because I moved the insurance on my car and got rental insurance. Seriously? Why?

We are in fact separate and I don’t live there. Even if we wait and find we’d like to magically get back together, I still don’t live there and won’t for a while. He started talking about how he knows he’s fucked and ill take him to the cleaners. What the fuck?
I swear to god it’s like he didn’t share a life with me. I’ve never been money grubbing or weird about money and he knows this. Why would I start now?

He replaced me. He threw me away and I just keep asking to be fair. Seriously? I’m giving him the house and furniture. I’m splitting my inheritance he’s not legally entitled to because it’s morally right. What is wrong with him? But then.. Just because we’re split, why would it all be reasonable now?

The Sum Total

I went to my house yesterday to pick up some more things, and Hubby came home before I was finished.  It was all made clear.  He said he isn’t doing well, and that he doesn’t see any hope.  He would like our split to be permanent.  Honestly, I would too.  I don’t see how we could fight back from this.  We started the preliminary talks.  I get to the dividing in a second.

Right this moment, I’m shocked.  I don’t know why I’m shocked, because it’s what I’ve been thinking.  We separated and he hasn’t wanted to really talk since.  In his defense, I haven’t really either.  It’s been nice not dealing with someone’s constant hate.  The stuff he says is so patently false and strange.  I have hopes we can come to an agreement about our stuff, but I think it’s going to be a challenge because already I can see unreasonableness on his part.

http://www.eventexperts.com.au

Now about the stuff.  I need to total it all up.

We have a house here local and it’s at the about even or slightly below point.  It also has a nice big mortgage.  He can afford it and I cannot, so I’m willing to walk away.  He’ll make a pretty penny in a couple of years, but he’ll have to cover the mortgage with his big old salary to do so, so that seems fair.  Because he has this big old salary he also gets our dogs and a cat.  I’ll take the other cat.  (I can only have one).  The pets are additional financial burdens, but again, he can afford them and I can’t.  Makes sense if he’s taking the house that he should take most of the pets.  (This is by far the hardest part to divide)

Time to Think

I’ve spent a good deal of this weekend thinking.  I spent some of it with friends, and a little with lovers, but most of this weekend I spent on my own.  I tried to be busy, but I kinda felt like I needed to not be too busy.

One of the potential dangers of poly and of having other lovers to offer support and companionship would be not taking the time needed to process and feel and think.  I don’t want to distract myself too much.  What do I want from my marriage?  Do I see any hope?  Exactly what, if anything, is there to salvage?

He admitted he replaced me for being a whore

I’ve been doing okay strangely with the idea of a separation, even knowing that this usually is the way people ease into divorce.  I’ve felt resigned and settled, which has been a sign that this is a good decision.  The idea of some space, of some time where people aren’t yelling at me and angry and saying hurtful things is frankly a little enticing.

A side effect of my recent realization and remembering that I don’t have to put up with mistreatment is that I am handling mistreatment differently.  I am not owning everything.  I am owning what is mine.  I’m struggling a little not to own some stuff from yesterday’s therapy though.  Hubby made some pretty huge realizations and it was mesmerizing to hear him talk about them.  They stung, but they were true to him and it was nice to hear real realization come out of his mouth.  He wasn’t denying the truth any more. 

Rotating Cast of Characters

Hmm.. good times and angsty little outs…

So, it seems our separation will be official.  Hubby and I  tried to have a nice day and things just blew up.  While playing pool he joked “I can’t seem to find pussy without an hour and a half drive”, referring to the fact that his new girlfriend lives just as far away as RollerGirl.  Are you fucking kidding me?  Um.. I’m next to him in bed like 3-4 days a week minimum.  I got mad and didn’t want to fight, so I said I would be right back.  I went to the bathroom and took some breaths and came back and HE was pissed and would not talk to me.  I find his behavior just totally bizarre.  I got pretty mad.  Why is he doing this!?!?!

Uh oh. Resigned.

I’m laying on the bed in my play space, and I’m realizing I’m really doing this.  I’m separating from my husband.  I’ve talked to a couple of people today and oddly I’m sad and it sucks, but I’m kinda.. resigned.  I’m not crying or upset.  I’ll be honest that I don’t know if this will stick.  We said we’d just take a break and I’m staying here at my play space in the city.

I’m just honestly.. ready.  I’m tired of the months of maltreatment.  I’m tired of the mean comments and the jabs and the judgements.  Fuck you’s and explosions, often over NOTHING.  Whatever. 

Secret Hideout

I got to a mental space earlier this week where I just felt like I needed to throw in the towel and move out.  I wanted to give up, not because Hubby isn’t trying.  I actually think he is.  It was just that it’s slow work and honestly I can’t physically take being around him sometimes.  He brings so much tension in the house on a regular basis.  His incomprehensible behavior baffles me.  I never know what I’m coming home to and I’m physically feeling it.  I need a secret hideout.